Joint account for bills - stuck in a cycle of debt

Dinah93

So many alarm bells go off in your posts it's a bit scary. If he has this great plan to pay off the debt once you get pregnant, and having a child is the most important thing to him, then why hasn't he taken the steps already to get your family in a position to have a baby by making these big chunk payments? Not to be blunt but it won't happen, those big chunk payments will go out the window when you see it's £500+ for a good travel system, £300 for a cot £60 for a baby monitor etc etc. Yes you can get them second hand, but from the sounds of him he's a bit impulsive and won't want his baby to have anything but the best. Those payments will buy gadgets and nessessities for the baby, but boy will that leave you up the creek without a paddle when 36 weeks have flown by since those two lines appeared and you still have all these minimum payments, a decreased salary and the worry that missing a payment suddenly has much bigger repercussions when this tiny life depends on you. The stress and anger you're feeling right now will be a drop in the ocean next to that when your wage is down to £500 (ish, SMP varies) a month, you're tired, the baby is outgrowing clothes at a rate of knots, and you resent him because this miracle you've fought so hard for should be your sole focus for a few months, and instead you're having to return to work early in order to meet your outgoings due to his money mismanagement.

I'm not going to approach the decision itself to try for a baby, that's too personal. All I will say is those statistics are way out, it's a even decrease from the age of around 18 through to the early 30s, when the curve exaggerates slightly, before falling away more quickly after the age of 41/2, and falling off a cliff after around 45. What does increase is the rate of birth defects and miscarriage risk with age, but there isn't some magic point somewhere in your 39th year where your fertility decides it's going to halve, every year that's gone past from your late teens it has declined a little bit, so if it doesn't happen the first time, don't think that because it is a year later you have half the chance you did previously. What I will say is if he's serious he could show you that he's going to change his behaviour in not too long a time - delaying IVF for 3 months is going to have no real impact on your fertility, but will show you very clearly if he's all words or if he really does start making huge inroads into the debt.

That £1000 you're saving for a financial rainy day? Sweetie, it's freaking monsoon season out there. You're getting what, £2 in interest a month and £65 in charges? Stop and think about that.

paddy's_mum

Dinah93 wrote: »

So many alarm bells go off in your posts it's a bit scary.

Seconded, with knobs on!

ktb

ninnoodle wrote: »

I do know he wants a child more than anything – it was him that suggested trying in the first place

You are baseing far too much on words and nothing on actions. If he wanted a baby 'more than anything' then he would be acting in such a way as to help his partner prepare to both emotionally and financially to bring one into the world. The stress this is causing you and the inaction on his part to grow up, be a man and tackle his debts, show exactly ZERO consideration for the reality of the situation. Words are not going to keep your baby fed or in nappies. Don't you deserve better than this?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you have the chance to make some really positive changes in you life - things could be so much better for you and any future children. Many women find themselves trapped before they get the chance that you now have before you.

You may well need to shock him into action as some others have suggested, letting him know that if things don't change that is the end for you - but you will need to brave. Empty threats won't change things one jot if you end up not following through, (in fact they might make things worse) so you need him to know that you are serious if you do threaten drastic action.

Sometimes you have to risk what you have in order to get something truly worth having. I have been there myself and I realised that what I lost wasnt actually worth having - took a while for me to accept that, but it was 100% true. I really do wish you luck hun!

adamantine

only read the first page and im going to go against the consensus on this.

do not put anything into your name! get him to put everything in his name and give him money towards it.

i put everything in my name when i was with my ex. he was useless. now has over 40 grand of debt. when i left him he left me penniless. wiped the bank accounts totally. im now bankrupt after he literally left me with no money to feed myself and our kids till my benefits came through. my credit rating is now pretty much screwed for life because i tried to help my husband out and teach him about budgetting.

also with regards the IVF, having a baby drastically changes your finances. you need to get this sorted out sharpish BEFORE you progress onto having a baby. trying to pay off his debt, keep the house and buy everything a baby needs is a task not alot of people can manage to do especially when one of you (ie you) will be taking a cut in pay while on maternity leave and also may go back at reduced hours or not at all once baby is born.

by all means work towards the IVF but make him see how much harder it will be with the added costs of a baby.