Joint account for bills - stuck in a cycle of debt

ninnoodle

When my OH and I bought a house together 2 years ago, I became a joint holder of his bill account. This meant we would both pay an equal amount of money into the account each month to pay off all our bills and mortgage.

So imagine my horror when I received a letter from our mortgage provider to say we had not paid the previous month. When I finally got round to checking online, I found we had a £2200 overdraft which was fully spent, my OH had regularly taken out cash and had also set up a direct debit to pay off his personal credit card!

Since then, I have tried to improve our situation. I have found us the best possible deals on electricity and insurance, and upped our payments going into the account every month. I have also stopped my OH from taking money out of our account to pay off his credit card, and have hid his debit card so he wouldn't withdraw cash on a night out (I tried reasoning with him, he ignored me, so this was a desperate measure).

My OH is hopeless with money - he is just.not.interested, no matter how much I try to reason with him. He recently confessed he had personal debts of £21K!! :eek: I have also totted up all the charges from our joint account from the last 1.5 years - it comes to about £1,200. I have tried to reclaim these back from the bank but they have just sent me back a SOA to fill out so they can judge whether we are in financial hardship or not. And we are not.

The situation is not improving. No matter how much we seem to pay in to the account, despite the good deals and stopping my OH's silly spending, we are now stuck in a cycle of charges. My OH is living on credit, so this will be up to me really to pay it all off since he has no spare cash. I don't feel I should do this - I am careful with my own money and worry that if I did end up paying it then my OH would just spend it again. Could I remove my name from the joint account and have it solely in his name again? Not sure what else I can do. I hate being in debt like this and feel a bit powerless. Any suggestions?

USM

Wow this person has absolutely no respect for you... silly question but why are you with them?

You can get individual bank accounts and that will safe guard your money slightly better but at the end of the day if you have a joint mortgage you are financially associated and his lifestyle will ultimately impact you.

Also, if he's in debt to an extreme level AND you have missed mortgage payments or other payments, getting another mortgage when your current rate expires or any form of credit is going to be much harder.

ninnoodle

Yes, I realise the missing the mortgage payments part. It is very worrying because we have a terrible mortgage deal and the monthly payment is very high on it. I really want to change us to a better one next year (or when the fixed term runs out) but not sure now of our chances since we missed 2 payments on time (they were paid eventually, just not when the mortgage provider tried to take the direct debit the first time).
So....any suggestions as to how I can improve our situation? (short of splitting up)!

Lotus-eater

ninnoodle wrote: »

So....any suggestions as to how I can improve our situation? (short of splitting up)!

Nope ........................

Do you think he'll change?


I think you already know the answer is no.

DS4215

If you can get him on board with this, set up an account to pay all the bills and transfers on payday from your accounts to cover them - including any debt repayments. Don't give him a card for it. The bills will then be paid on time.

He gets to keep his bank account, but the money left in it is his for spends. Once he is spent up, then he has to learn that he is skint and can't do anything else until payday. If possible, balance transfer his credit cards to 0% and cut up the old cards.

It might not help him out of his debts, but it will ensure the house and bills are all paid.

Any

Oh dear. This is horrible situation to be in.
Unfortunately, the road is long and windy and difficult - and there has to be willingness from his side.

I have been in similar situation myself, though I do have to say not as far as you have gone without your knowledge. I have fought long and hard, and I was on the verge of leaving, only then he started to do something. We still get into an argument every time we transfer his balances to 0% deal (fortunately he kept his immaculate credit rating, despite £25k credit card debt), but every time he appologises and does what he is told before the day is out because I WILL leave and he knows it. Being financialy incapable is kind of like an addiction in my mind, firstly they have to admit they have problem (and that is HARD!!) and then struggle with it, they don't like talking about it or letting other people know they have a problem.

Few things:
- no, forget about the mortgage change next year, you have no chance now. You can definitely try, but don't build your hopes on it. In these difficult times one slip or high debts mean a lot to a mortgage company.

- having joint financial product affects your rating as well. Until you can get him sorted try to keep everything separate if you can!!!!

IF you are going to stay, you need to change everything to your name only. Dissasociate (sp?) yourself from him at credit bureau, so at least you can get better deals after a period of spotless record.

Control all your money, the bills etc yourself and don't leave him with access. To ensure the main things are paid.

Let him with his money and his account (less his share of bills) and help him out on planning and budgeting. He has to prove himself, manage.

The thing is that this is your life and something like a partner who is careless and carefree can damage it for many many years to come. I am not scaremongering, it is true. No one is worth that - if they were, they would have the respect to you and took your concerns on board to start off with!!

This is very serious. You both need to realise it.

albionrovers

I never get these type of threads.
Anyone who has 'threatened to leave or else' - it's already over? Leave ASAP?

Seanymph

Blimey, so he has no respect for money, for you, for your home security - and you want to parent him and are asking for how to parent him effectively?

You can't.

He is a grown up, so can sign things in his own name.

I could bring my 15 year old son under control because I'd stop his allowance - you are going to have to give up on him sooner or later - get yourself off the joint account, make sure you have no joint debt, start a saving account and make sure you have some money in that to offer yourself security should you two seperate.

if you decide to stay (and you'll excuse me for saying you don't sound yet ready to leave) then you need to consider an exit strategy and have it in place JUST IN CASE something else comes out and bites you on the bottom.

This isn't going to get any better - if you want all the responsibility in the relationship whilst he deceives you and has a ball on your money well ok - but when that tires you need to be able to walk away fairly financially intact.......... or you'll end up with the debt whilst he wanders off as free as possible and suckers someone else.

ninnoodle

albionrovers wrote: »

I never get these type of threads.
Anyone who has 'threatened to leave or else' - it's already over? Leave ASAP?

I'm sorry but I've not said I have 'threatened to leave or else'. Where did I say that?

albionrovers

ninnoodle wrote: »

I'm sorry but I've not said I have 'threatened to leave or else'. Where did I say that?

==

You didn't. "Any" did above my original post.

ninnoodle

Thanks folks, it is indeed looking grim. After New Year I will speak to him - fresh start and all that. And will see from there.
I wasn't looking to leave him - I was more asking for advice on if there was anything I could do (apart from leave him ) to improve the situation. I guess I will see when we speak. We have spoken a few times but it always ends in an argument with him not at fault. But, maybe if I approached this in a more adult way (than accusing) it would appeal to him more....I shall see!