Ex-partners - how involved?

sharrison778

I'm genuinely open to advice on this issue because its one I have been giving a lot of thought to lately.

My boyfriend and I live together and we consider it a serious relationship.

His soon to be ex wife seems to accept that the relationship is over (and as an aside, she's doing very nicely in the divorce settlement) but she doesnt seem to have reconciled that she doesnt have a husband anymore. She still tries to reply on him to do things, like take the car to the mechanic. I should point out that we live in a different city to her, so its not like he can pop over and help her out. It involves a flight. She wants to stay on the same health insurance policy with him because its a good deal for her but it means I lose out.

I've put my foot down on a few issues, like stopping her using our car.

My difficulty stems from the fact that they have 3 kids together and its not always black and white in terms of what it helping her and what is helping her with the kids.

My partner likes to avoid conflict so he tends to take the path of least resistance - which doesnt help in the longer term.

I'd be interested to hear from others who have been in this situation and how you handle it.

Molly41

Anything that helps her in the practical sense helps her kids in the long run.

Gloomendoom

sharrison778 wrote: »

I'm genuinely open to advice on this issue because its one I have been giving a lot of thought to lately.

My boyfriend and I live together and we consider it a serious relationship.

His soon to be ex wife seems to accept that the relationship is over (and as an aside, she's doing very nicely in the divorce settlement) but she doesnt seem to have reconciled that she doesnt have a husband anymore. She still tries to reply on him to do things, like take the car to the mechanic. I should point out that we live in a different city to her, so its not like he can pop over and help her out. It involves a flight. She wants to stay on the same health insurance policy with him because its a good deal for her but it means I lose out.

I've put my foot down on a few issues, like stopping her using our car.

My difficulty stems from the fact that they have 3 kids together and its not always black and white in terms of what it helping her and what is helping her with the kids.

My partner likes to avoid conflict so he tends to take the path of least resistance - which doesnt help in the longer term.

I'd be interested to hear from others who have been in this situation and how you handle it.

I had this with my ex. It will probably settle down after a bit. If they had been together for a while it may be difficult for them both to just to flick a switch and become totally separate, especially if the divorce was amicable and there are children involved. I've since remarried but still ended up sorting out the purchase new car for my ex and occasionally other things too. Luckily my wife isn't the insecure type so she doesn't have a problem with it.

rachbc

From the second we separated I asked ex for nothing, but then I was independent in the relationship so could take my own car to the garage.

I can see the point some posters make that supporting her supports the chldren but having a capable indpendant mother who can stand on her own 2 feet will also help them too. Taking her car to the garage isn't difficult and something she needs to be able to do as a grown up.

clearingout

Life as a single parent with 3 children is very hard - he will know that. Perhaps he feels guilty, bad, upset, distressed...about the breakdown of the relationship, the affect this has on his children and ultimately, not being able to see them as he once did. Helping out is one way of dealing with this.

It took me a long time to realise I no longer had a husband. Not that my ex husband ever helped me with anything in the short term and certainly doesn't in the long term. But building support networks to deal with everyday issues is actually quite difficult if you have had a person there to share it with in the past.

Comments heavily loaded with sarcasm 'doing very well out of the divorce settlement' demonstrate an anger? bitterness? on your part and will go along way to causing problems between you and your partner if you don't get on top of it.

lime1996

You have to realise that you are in a relationship with a man who has three children with his wife. So, when you entered the relationship you knew about the kids, and his commitments to them. To me it shows he is a good man, who is willing to continue his commitment to his children regardless of any future relationships he may have.

Please don't take this the wrong way but at the moment you are just the girlfriend so I don't know how many demands you can put down in regard to his wife and children, as they are always going to be connected through the children and have to deal with each other until the kids are 18 at least.

Your comment "His soon to be ex wife seems to accept that the relationship is over (and as an aside, she's doing very nicely in the divorce settlement)" sounds like green cheese to me, she is the main carer of the kids so why should she not have support and a good settlement from the marriage?

If you are going to continue in this relationship you have to realise she is going to be around for a long time, and you need to accept this. By working with your boyfriend and supporting him, will show how committed you are to this relationship, after all one day you could be step mum to his three children.

newcook

I don’t get the bit about the car – if she lives a plane ride away how have you ‘put your foot down’ with her using the car?!?

pinkclouds

sharrison778 wrote: »

My difficulty stems from the fact that they have 3 kids together and its not always black and white in terms of what it helping her and what is helping her with the kids.

I suppose you have to examine each case to see whether there is a net benefit to the kids or not. Obviously, the kids gain directly from mom having an operational car or the home having a functioning boiler. What you do to assist with that can vary according to practicalities e.g. boyfriend could drive the car to the garage while mom is looking after the kids, boyfriend could look after the kids while mom drives the car to the garage, boyfriend could contact a nearby relative to babysit while mom drives the car to the garage, boyfriend could give some reassuring words and mention a garage who'll come out to collect the car and return it at her convenience, etc. If the car is essential to the school run then it is important that it is always fixed as quickly as possible.

Stuff like painting the walls or putting up wallpaper, when the home is in a perfectly adequate state of repair, is not on. Or making a special trip to babysit, when the kids are supposed to be under the mom's sole care, so she can get her nails done is also not on.

If there's not much family nearby then I guess the "calls" will only start to ease up when the mom has rebuilt a local support network. When they were married, whenever something cropped up, one of them could look after the kids while the other one sorted the problem out. Now, she needs to call someone to do that - at the moment it's your boyfriend but, given a little time, this will probably become her nearest good friend or neighbour. Maybe she is wholly unused to doing any of these things herself?

Re the health insurance... is it a luxury or a necessity? It would be tragic to lose a parent for the sake of a few pounds per month. If mom lives in Britain, then the NHS provides free universal healthcare - might not be as fast or as comprehensive as private but it is still very adequate cover. If mom lives somewhere else, then insurance might well be a necessity. If she cannot get (affordable) insurance in her own name, then I really feel your boyfriend should maintain cover on her behalf - if anything tragic happened, he wouldn't be able to look his kids in their eyes and explain why mom wasn't there anymore.

pinkclouds

newcook wrote: »

I don’t get the bit about the car – if she lives a plane ride away how have you ‘put your foot down’ with her using the car?!?

I'm wondering if it's America. It would explain why the city is a plane ride away and why she needs to stay on the health insurance policy. I could be barking up the wrong tree though...

Lil_Me_2

pinkclouds wrote: »

I'm wondering if it's America. It would explain why the city is a plane ride away and why she needs to stay on the health insurance policy. I could be barking up the wrong tree though...

Based on the time of the post, and her other post in another thread mentioning visiting the ex in another state I think you're right and that the OP is actually in America, not the UK.

newcook

I thought that too but still think its odd that if her car broke down that she would get on a plane and borrow the car!