Ex-partners - how involved?

lime1996

If the post is in the states, then part of the divorce papers could be that he is required to pay for health insurance, or he may have even agreed to this. The courts could even order him to pay for health care for the children and his wife if she is a stay at home mom throughout the marriage.

If they are in the States, then each State does have health insurance for low paid workers such as Husky. But, if the post is working she should be able to get private health care herself through her own employer, which would be deducted at source from her wage packet.

Some health insurance companies will only allow family to be placed on health insurance policies. And, technically by the sound of it, he is still married hence why the wife is still on the health insurance. Depending on his policy the girlfriend may not be classed as family and be allowed on the policy.

ska_lover

Phoning up an ex to take her car to the garage is just plain wrong. How can such a feeble woman possibly manage to parent three children, if she cannot manage a simple task like this is beyond me.

I think he SHOULD be involved in helping, but hes going to have to ''man up'' and stop being at her beck and call for little things - like taking cars to the garage, when she is clearly pushing the boundaries.

I must admit op, i am confused about her borrowing the car if she lives a plane ride away

fluffnutter

Supporting his children is one thing. Getting a flight (fgs!) to take someone's car to the garage is something else entirely. As is continuing with the same insurance policy. They're not married any more; joint financial products are completely inappropriate and could in fact cause lots of problems.

Tell your other half to draw some better boundaries between him and his ex. Guilt is a powerful motivator and I suspect he wants to do the right thing by his children. This is not the way to go about it.

brians_daughter

Goodness, we (my ex and i ) confuse people with stuff like this.

We see each other and do more for each other now than we did when married lol. We do a lot for each other, so much so i dont know how i would cope without his help at times

I will drop his (and his new partners) dry cleaning off if i need to go myself, he will service my car for me, i will pick their son (ex's step son - partners son from previous marriage) up from school if they are running late -which happens often as they both commute a fair distance.

Infact the ex coming over at the wekend to decorate my kitchen as his new partner insisted i wasnt paying a decorator when i said i was having it spruced up for xmas... her son is sleeping over at mine next Thursday whilst they go away for the night as a christmas treat from him to her.

People are amazed when they find out some of the things they do for me or i do for them but the way i see it is we are all part of a family (all be it an extended step family) and we all want the best for the children. If we can all get along and help each other out then why not, as long as its done willingly and without pressure

Luckily his new partner is an amazing woman, infact i couldnt have wished for a better stepmother to our children and she is fond of me too so we are all happy with our arrangement and it benefits us all.

I dont have a partner, and have no intention of finding one anytime soon, but if i did he would have to 'slot into' our strange little family

fluffnutter

brians_daughter wrote: »

Goodness, we (my ex and i ) confuse people with stuff like this.

We see each other and do more for each other now than we did when married lol. We do a lot for each other, so much so i dont know how i would cope without his help at times

I will drop his (and his new partners) dry cleaning off if i need to go myself, he will service my car for me, i will pick their son (ex's step son - partners son from previous marriage) up from school if they are running late -which happens often as they both commute a fair distance.

Infact the ex coming over at the wekend to decorate my kitchen as his new partner insisted i wasnt paying a decorator when i said i was having it spruced up for xmas... her son is sleeping over at mine next Thursday whilst they go away for the night as a christmas treat from him to her.

People are amazed when they find out some of the things they do for me or i do for them but the way i see it is we are all part of a family (all be it an extended step family) and we all want the best for the children. If we can all get along and help each other out then why not, as long as its done willingly and without pressure

Luckily his new partner is an amazing woman, infact i couldnt have wished for a better stepmother to our children and she is fond of me too so we are all happy with our arrangement and it benefits us all.

I dont have a partner, and have no intention of finding one anytime soon, but if i did he would have to 'slot into' our strange little family

This works for your family. But the OP doesn't want her partner to be at his ex's beck and call; she probably feels that the relationship is unbalanced - I don't see much evidence of the ex-wife doing things for her ex and the OP. That's perfectly her right to feel this, and her feelings should be taken into account.

brians_daughter

fluffnutter wrote: »

This works for your family. But the OP doesn't want her partner to be at his ex's beck and call; she probably feels that the relationship is unbalanced - I don't see much evidence of the ex-wife doing things for her ex and the OP. That's perfectly her right to feel this, and her feelings should be taken into account.

Oh yes, i do agree. The OP says that her bf doesnt really voice much resistance to the ex. I would like to think that a grown man could, if he really had issues could tell the ex straight what is and isnt acceptable or at least step down the help a notch or 2. If hes not making noises about helping the ex may feel hes happy to help out in wnatever she asks.

OP. you need to assess if your bf actually minds doing these things for his ex, if hes fine doing them then there isnt much (imo) you can do. However, if he feels hes being knelt on then you need to work together in order to reach a resolution. Work out what is really unacceptable and work on this 1st (like you have the car) . The ex should get the picture soon enough that he is slowly withdrawing additional help that doesnt encompass the children.

FBaby

I think it al depends on the situation. How long were they together, how old she was when they got together (has she ever been independent), how long have they been seperated, did he leave her for you (might be an element of guilt on his part)?

sharrison778

Apologies, I didnt explain very well.

The city the ex wife lives in is a 3-4 hour drive away or a short one hour flight. Generally my boyfriend chooses to fly back and forth but driving is an option.

She has a car in the city that she lives in however she feels it is too big and doesnt like driving it. Our car is also a large one but she prefers it so there have been times when she wants to use it. (And no, before someone suggests it, the cars cant be swapped)

In my view, if she doesnt like her car, she should sell it and buy something she is comfortable driving, rather than asking for our car (which means a 3 hours drive to her city and leaves me without a car here).

Re health insurance - she can stay with the same insurance provider and still retain a good deal for her and the children. I'm simply suggesting she get her own policy rather than wanting to stay on one connected to her ex husband. The deal he has access to is a good one and whilst she is on the policy, I cant be.

As for my comment abut her getting a good deal in the divorce - its not bitterness. I completely agree that the children should be well looked after.I'm just noting that she's by no means close to doing it hard so she could easily afford to take the car to the mechanic and get a taxi on to work. Its a hellova a lot easier than my boyfriend flying down there to do it for her.

sharrison778

Oh and in response to:

I think it al depends on the situation. How long were they together, how old she was when they got together (has she ever been independent), how long have they been seperated, did he leave her for you (might be an element of guilt on his part)?

She was 30 when they got together. Married for about 8 years. She lived overseas before they got together so you'd assume she's pretty independent.

They've been seperated 3 years and no, he didnt leave her for me. He and I have been together 2 years and we are considered de facto (so a joint health care policy is fine).

doodoot

There's 2 solutions as I see it.

1. Your boyfriend tells her straight that she can't keep requesting favours which have nothing to do with the children - borrowing your car because she doesn't like her own is pathetic, she is just trying to keep some contact and control.

2. You split up with him and have an easy life, use your own car when you want and purchase your own health insurance.

If your boyfriend was being asked to go to hers to help out in some way with the children, then that's another kettle of fish...but to use your car...:rotfl: