11-year-old may be having sex - what do I do?

NAR

FWIW I think you have got it spot on. Good luck.

elona

Good luck with this but please make sure that you protect yourself and your own family as well, even though your heart may go out to the girl she is a bit like a ticking bomb at the moment.( probably not her fault)

jellyhead

definitely not her fault, poor kid. she's lucky to have you, sounds like she's looking to you as a surrogate family, i'm not sure if girls that age are flirty with their fathers but many seem to flirt with uncles etc. just to test their own allure lol! i think you sitting down and having a proper talk with her is exactly what she wants. she's probably finding the transition between primary and high school difficult, it's such a big change to go from an environment suitable for 4 year olds to one where the emphasis is on social life, celebrities, sex, personal attractiveness, etc. - we had a middle school in between, i wish kids still had that.

Caz2_2

Hi leftm
I think you are out of your depth with this. This child is displaying inappropriate behaviour towards your husband probably to gain acceptance, she is vulnerable and not being protected. She will have a social worker and that is who i think you should be informing, hopefully you will be included in this process. Your family and this child are at risk. These problems need careful mamagement, if however you decide to deal with it yourself and talk to her be careful to write everything the child says down factually without your own interpretation and try not to put anything in her head. This sounds serious but that is what you may be dealing with she may disclose something worrying and will need support and care. Good luck with your decision. PS you may be asked to explain why you didn't inform social services or her guardian at the first sign of this child displaying sexualised behaviour.
Sorry to worry you but be very careful

Bossyboots

Caz2 is spot on.

My job involves working on cases relating to children in care. I have seen many psychiatric and social work assessments and in fact, the story told here is one I have come across twice before, almost in exact detail. I have also worked in a primary school, including with special needs and vulnerable children.

The flirting with the husband is a give away of, if nothing else, past inappropriate experiences.

You must report this to social services. As has been said, this little girl will have her own social worker who is experienced in dealing with these matters. I am trying to refrain from saying what you should and shouldn't do but I cannot hold back on the issue of you speaking to the little girl. DO NOT DO IT. You are not qualified to counsel this child, you do not know how to cope with the revelations that may be made. If you notify social services anonymously you are unlikely to have to take it further. If you allow her to disclose to you, you will find yourself a witness in any proceedings, both civil and criminal that may be brought.

Do not worry that you did not report it sooner or that you will be asked to explain why. The child is not in your care so you have come to the realisation bit by bit. You only need to say that you were not sure what to do before and that you thought she was making it up, but felt it best to err on the side of caution now . You are not the villain in this. You will be doing what is right for the child by reporting it now but please do not delay any longer.

1jim

I agree with bossy
Tell social services about this and tell them now!
Dont delay!
If she is having sex it is a child protection concern, if she isnt having sex but is behaving in the way that you describe it is also a big concern.
Dont phone social servixes annonymously tell them who you are, i know you dont want to get involved but you are, it may be that she is telling you this so that you get help for her, social services may find benefit from talking to you and finding out what has been happening.
For this girls sake please call social services now!!!!
jim

trafalgar_2

Bossyboots wrote:

Caz2 is spot on.

My job involves working on cases relating to children in care. I have seen many psychiatric and social work assessments and in fact, the story told here is one I have come across twice before, almost in exact detail. I have also worked in a primary school, including with special needs and vulnerable children.

The flirting with the husband is a give away of, if nothing else, past inappropriate experiences.

You must report this to social services. As has been said, this little girl will have her own social worker who is experienced in dealing with these matters. I am trying to refrain from saying what you should and shouldn't do but I cannot hold back on the issue of you speaking to the little girl. DO NOT DO IT. You are not qualified to counsel this child, you do not know how to cope with the revelations that may be made. If you notify social services anonymously you are unlikely to have to take it further. If you allow her to disclose to you, you will find yourself a witness in any proceedings, both civil and criminal that may be brought.

Do not worry that you did not report it sooner or that you will be asked to explain why. The child is not in your care so you have come to the realisation bit by bit. You only need to say that you were not sure what to do before and that you thought she was making it up, but felt it best to err on the side of caution now . You are not the villain in this. You will be doing what is right for the child by reporting it now but please do not delay any longer.

Great advice,contact social services,don't wait

margaretclare

Hi

I think you could be a very valuable person in this young girl's life. She likes to come round, she appears to confide things to you.

From what you say of her background, it sounds as if her self-esteem is very low. Girls with such low self-esteem feel 'worthless' and therefore if someone wants to have sex with her she won't feel she has the right to say no. She knows about condoms, but also, in my former career as a midwife I've seen 12-year olds who were pregnant. I even saw a 14-year old mother of 3 believe it or not - she'd had a baby aged 12 and then twins the following year. So, condom or no condom, this young lass is greatly at risk. And we haven't even touched on the problem of sexually-transmitted disease, damage to her immature cervix leaving her open to e.g. cervical cancer in a few years' time. And that's without all the emotional damage.

Keep the lines of communication open, you could be doing a wonderful and valuable thing in providing a safe place for this lass to talk about things that concern her. She needs help, she needs protection, but someone like you to talk to, whom she has actually chosen for herself, is so valuable for this vulnerable girl.

Good luck!

Aunty Margaret

Spendless

I agree with the others about not talking to the girl yourself. It might be made up, it might not.

If it is made up and she guessess by you talking to her that you are going to tell someone aren't you leaving yourself wide open for an accussation against yourself?

At junior school there was a girl (i wasn't friends with her) who i'd describe as very aware of her sexuality (this is me talking as an adult - it isn't how i'd describe her when we were kids). I left that school and it's only in recent years that i've realised that this girl was highly likely being abused herself or exposed to inappropriate behaviour.

I don't know what happened to her - i just hope a chance remark made to an adult got someone in authority involved to what may bhave been going on.

I wish you all the best.

xx

Fran

This seems totally out of proportion!

The things that the original poster actually said are:-

1) The girl said she'd had sex with her boyfriend & they used a condom (poster commented she thought the girl was talking rubbish).

2) She saw her push her toddler over.

3) She behaves flirtily with poster's husband.

So exactly on what basis would you involve social workers and schools in ANY child's behaviour?


1) - Poster didn't actually believe she had had sex.

2) - Of course pushing toddlers over is not on - but things happen all the time with kids - far far worse and cruel things are done by children every day.

3) - Flirting is learnt behaviour which we all pick up at some time. Husband is not likely to react so what's the problem?

This girl has got no chance with people reporting her to social services with unsubstantiated information like this. (Thus singling her out and putting her through an enquiry etc.)



Perhaps it is worth having a word with grandmother though, after all I doubt whether the girl has proper and accurate information about sex and if she really is experimenting, she needs to be made aware of the facts.