11-year-old may be having sex - what do I do?

leftieM

My neighbour's grandchild likes to come to our house sometimes to play with my toddler. Often she stands around telling us about smoking/ drinking/ getting suspended from school. She's been in and out of foster homes and we feel sorry for her so we tolerate her in our house (expressing disapproval at her actions of course) as our daughter is young enough (21 months) not to be influenced by it. However yesterday she told me that she'd had sex with her boyfriend but they'd used a condom so it was alright. To be honest I think she's talking rubbish and I asked her to leave our house at the time but it worried me when I thought about it. She's just a child.
I don't know what to do if anything. This girl lives with her grandmother whom I've never spoken to so, although my instinct is to go and talk to her (as I would want to know if it was a child in my care), I don't really know if this is the right thing to do.
I'm pretty sure it's all talk now but it won't be for long. Is it just too late for this girl and the damage is done? Any ideas on what the right thing to do is? I'd love to do something that would mean this girl will finish her education before she has children.

summerday

Hiya,

I'd speak to her granmother as tactfully as possible, just try to say exactly what the girl said to you.

No way should you give up on an 11 year old. Her talk could be a cry for help, or at that age it could be that she's been sexually abused with the amount of knowledge that she has.

Sarah.

Lillibet_2

If you feel uncomfortable talking to her grandmother & know which school she attends could you call the school & ask to speak to her head of year?

Mads13

Hi Sarah

I would echo what leftie has stated..saying that she is more than likely saying this for a cry of help. I was being abused at the age of 3-16 by 3 members of my family and I often said shocking things to draw attention to myself..hoping that someone would see i needed help! Unfortunantly for me nobody did and my abuse continued for many years.
Even if at 11 she is having consenting sex, the person whom she is having sex with is breaking the law. She probably feels worthless. If she has been moved around alot in foster homes etc she obviously is very unsettled and thinks this person cares about her when no one else in her life has done so-like a parent figure.
I would say this young girl is being abused and is basically asking for your help in around about way. I would talk to her about it and do not seem shocked with whatever she says to you. She obviously trusts you which is a very good starting point. If you talk to her gran you run the risk of her denying eveything and for this situation to continue.
I think I would ring childline/social service/NSPCC and ask for advice on how to talk to her etc.
Please be careful also, if you have a male person in the house husband/boyfriend etc, as vulnerable young girls like this can easily turn around and cry rape to get more attention. Do not leave her with any males in your household, also I would keep your kids away too. Children who are being abused can very easily start abusing other young ones to get rid of their hurt so they hurt others.

I would hate to be in your position, but wished there was someone like you I could have spoken to when I was this girls age.

Good Luck in whatever you choose to do.

Mads13
xxx

Caz2_2

Hi
I would find out the school she goes to, phone them and ask if they have a student support service (as she is 11yrs old i would think she is at secondary school and they often have student services) Ask to speak to the person in charge of the support team and tell them what this child is saying, explaining that you are not familiar with her Grandma and would therefore find it difficult to speak to her. Ask for the information to be treated confidentially and I'm sure they will get the child in and have a chat about life in general. My guess is that if she has told you this, whether true or not she has also told friends at school, the teacher could say that someone was concerned without giving your name. I would think School will then have to inform her Grandma leaving you out of it. You could also phone the nspcc and ask for advice or childline.
She could be fibbing, bragging, trying to look grown up but equally she may be telling the truth and it may not be her boyfriend but someone else in which case it isn't sex but child abuse. At least she has you to talk to and must trust you but a word of warning and i may be well wrong here but make sure you supervise your baby around her, she is a child that has been moved from home to home and could feel very insecure and that could make her jealous of your daughter.
good luck let us know how you go on

Ted_Hutchinson

I agree with the others. You really shouldn't ignore it even if you do think it is fabrication or there is an element of exaggeration. In your situation I would contact social services.

Bossyboots

Ted_Hutchinson wrote:

I agree with the others. You really shouldn't ignore it even if you do think it is fabrication or there is an element of exaggeration. In your situation I would contact social services.

I think this is the best option. If this little girl has been in care, then it is almost certain she has been placed with her grandmother as a follow on from that. She could either be subject of a care order or supervision order.

I would caution that it is not necessarily that she is being abused. This is a complex area. It is highly likely though that she has been abused in the past either physically or exposed to inappropriate sexual activity between adults.

It would be appropriate to notify social services. It is very likely she is having sex and this brings into question the adequacy of care by the grandmother. If she is not having sex, she clearly needs some/more counselling to explore the reasons why she claims she has. There is always the possibility that she is being abused.

There are so many ifs, buts and maybes and children in this child's position can have a lot of past trauma and baggage affecting their lives now. It is not worth taking a chance. You can make an anonymous call to social services that this disclosure has been made to you. If you state you are worried but prefer not to give your name they should respect that. If necessary, perhaps you could agree with them to call back in a few weeks time in case they need a statement from you. In my experience though, they can act on an anonymous tip off without reverting back to the caller even when it is established something untoward is occurring.

jo_b_2

I would agree with most of the advice given so far.

Basically, you are going to feel uneasy until you share this information with somebody. Either approach the grandmother or social services. As the child has been in foster care previously, there will probably be some ongoing social work involvement so it would be better to share this information.

Whatever the basis of these claims, she certainly sounds lilke a very vulnerable child. At least if you share the information, your conscience will be a little clearer and it should lead to some protection and support for the girl involved.

jellyhead

yes, they should be able to investigate an anonymous call, i know someone who reported their neighbour to social services, concerned about beatings she heard through the walls while she was in the bath - the neighbour was given help and a diagnosis for her child but never found out who'd reported her.

although she's living with grandmother it sounds as if this girl wants a family, is trying to see if you'll behave like a family would towards her. 11 is really very young to be having sex, if she's lying for attention she must be very mixed up. if she mentions it again maybe you could ask the age of this boyfriend? although she may well be a lovely girl who's just had a troubled life i would agree with other posters about not leaving her alone with male members of your family, she could tell lies about them. poor thing, it all sounds really sad :-( odd that you know this girl so well but don't know her grandmother, why doesn't the grandmother want to get to know you if her girl is spending time at your house? i may sound overprotective and my own child is only 8 but i would want to know people before he spent time with them in their house ... maybe it's different if a child is 11 but it doesn't sound right that she's in your house without the grandmother really knowing you (although i admit we have kids playing in our house whose parents don't give a stuff where they are from one hour to the next) so it's possible she isn't being looked after properly.

it's a difficult situation for you to be in, maybe you could talk more to the girl and try to get a better picture of what's going on, she obviously trusts you and looks up to you. but if you're really worried then social services should be able to advise you.

Fran

I don't think you should call social services or contact the school. She has been through enough stuff "in and out of foster homes" etc. and loads of kids say things to impress or draw attention. If she lived with parents would you immediately react like this?

It could be that she likes you and wants to talk to someone about things that have happened and actually values your reaction/opinion.

I also think it's over-reacting to imagine that she's going to start abusing younger kids or crying rape regards males. What chance has she's got when she is looked on with suspicion by people she comes into contact? That's not to say don't be careful about either your child or leaving a female with males or females - but not any more than you would normally!

You say she "likes to come round our house", so it's not a one off visit. You've accepted her company so far and maybe she likes the security of your family. Perhaps she was hoping for your opinion, knowledge or advice on the sex issue but didn't know how to express it. Did she go into detail about it? Does she even know what it is? Kids get their facts wrong and at that age she could well be misinformed. Perhaps you could speak to her next time she comes round about it and find out what exactly happened and who "the boyfriend" is. Then you'd be in a better position to think about discussing with grandmother if you then gauge it necessary.

leftieM

The advise has all been very measured and has helped me make a decision about what to do. The next time this girl calls I'm going to sit her down for a proper chat. Whatever her reasons for saying what she said, she's looking for some kind of reaction and I can try to see why. Then I can decide whether to involve her grandmother / social services or whoever.
It's interesting that people have advised on keeping my child and husband under supervision in her company. I caught her pushing my daughter over when she was learning to walk and, although no damage was done, I don't leave them alone together now. The girl is 'flirty' with my husband which I find bizarre - I've been warning him about her and he's aware that she behaves inappropriately towards him.
You're probably wondering why I still let her in the house! To be honest, I feel really sorry for her and hope that we can somehow be an influence so that she stays on at school and tries to have some kind of life. She comes for brief (10 - 30 mins) visits a couple of times a week and we feel we can control the situation for now.