The New Me And Our Quest To Become Debt Free And Have Self Belief

misspoppy

Hi this may sound harsh but its not meant to be.

If this doesn't give you the strength to stand up to your Mum then nothing will. If you hadn't been giving her £200 for however long you would have had the money to buy the boots and Sam wouldn't have got confussed about the whole situation.

You aren't a bad Mum Sams just got confussed about money, but he knows now and you'll go and buy him new shoes and this will all stop.

Have you called your husband and asked him to come home sounds like you all need a hug heres one from me ((((hug)))

Dumyat

right weller711 ( got my mummy voice on!! )
this has got to stop. you are not a bad mother!
I could tell you a million stories about how bad a mother I am....we all think we are. Its not about the mistakes we make its what we do to sort it out. how on earth could you have known his shoes were too small? I told my son he had staved his wrist and to stop whinging...it was broken (and I am a nurse!!)
Now get up that stairs, tell him you are sorry you didnt know his shoes were too small. give him a big hug and ask him what kind of shoes he would like. He loves you so much, he's just not old enough to understand whats going on. there's obviously so much going on in your family - he just thinks its about boots!

edit just to add if he was able to tell you what was wrong in front of the headmaster and the teacher he does know he can talk to you!

earwig

what i would do is go and make a fuss of him tell him to get ready go to the nearst town and buy him the shoes and talk to him tell him that you can afford them and buy him somthing else like some socks so he can see that you can afford to then if you can spare it go the shops and buy some cake making stuff and go home and m ake them and if you can really push the boat out let him pick what takeway he would like for dinner make him feel like a king and he will see that money isnt that tight if you can do all that for him if you cant afford the takeaway then let him pick whats for tea let him see that you can afford things if they are really needed good luck and put and end to this situation and tell your dad so you can all move on

Val_Mathison

Lisa,

I've been a member on here for a while and I have never posted before but your situation has moved me so much that I just wanted to show my support. When I first read your post I immediately thought that those words weren't coming from your son's mind - that someone had planted them there. As I read on of course I realised the situation you are in with your mother.

Instead of worrying about whether or not your mother loves you and how she can treat you like this - take control of your life in just a small way. Your husband and children are the most precious things to you. You should tell your dad and your husband about you giving money to your mother. She clearly isn't using it for debts if she is off on holiday again! Anyway her debts are NOT your problem.

Post natal depression is underestimated and unless someone has suffered from it they cannot know how bad it makes you feel. People are there to help you, not take your children away. Your mother is not helping you, she's not helping your father, she's not helping your marriage (making you lie to DH) and she's not helping your children. And you know what, you're not helping her either. She needs to be an adult. Beat her to it and take the first step.

Good luck to you. xx

janiegs

I'd take some money out of the uniform fund, buy his shoes and buy your boots too. You can put the money back out of the money that you won't be giving your mother this month.

A bit extreme maybe when we're supposed to be money saving, but he needs to see that you have enough money for things you need, and in his eyes, you need the boots.....

Hope he's feeling a bit better now.

Dumyat

janiegs wrote:

I'd take some money out of the uniform fund, buy his shoes and buy your boots too. You can put the money back out of the money that you won't be giving your mother this month.

A bit extreme maybe when we're supposed to be money saving, but he needs to see that you have enough money for things you need, and in his eyes, you need the boots.....

Hope he's feeling a bit better now.

that sounds like a good idea. go and spoil yourself weller711.

morg_monster

wow what a thread! i feel the same way as everyone else but i know you will get plenty of emotional support just want to give a practical idea maybe.

Do you have internet banking for the account with the money for his school stuff? or even a pass book? If so, and since he is 7 and pretty bright, can you sit him down and show him the money in the account and kind of explain where it is going to go, like if there is £200 say "if you have a school trip then that will cost £50, and you might need some new trousers, that'll be £10, and there is £30 in there for new school shoes, and then there is this much left over for other things to do with school". I remember when i was about his age worrying, worrying, always worrying about things like fire, and floods, and burglars, and things closer to home, etc. My parents tried to solve the first three by showing my how the smoke alarm worked, and telling me how most fires are started by cigarettes and they didn't smoke, and the chances of a flood were small because we lived on a hill (!), and really hardly anyone got burgled round here and if they did we would still be safe because they might just take the TV, and really the TV doesn't matter, does it.

so i guess my point is if you think he's up to it use some child logic to show him - treat him a bit more like a grown up (even if really his school trip will probably cost more than whats in the account - just lie!), tell him there are some things which are more important than others (eg paying for food is more important than sweets, and paying for his shoes is more important than mummy's shoes) and then hopefully he will believe you. Even though it is hard for kids to grasp the value of money, he will be able to understand that if there is £100 in the account then this is greater than the amount needed to buy him new shoes.
at the moment he is obviuosly still worrying about this despite what you said to him before. you need to convince him that actually, everything is OK!! and that even if we can't buy new toys all the time, we CAN buy food, and pay for electricity, and buy important things like school shoes. hopefully including him a bit more like this will help although it might feel like you're exposing yourself to more possible problems!! Would be interested to hear from other parents whether they think this is a good idea, i'm not a parent just have experience of being a scared kid!

in the meantime best of luck with your lovely boy, he'll come round, and also with sorting out the problems with your parents, it sounds like a really tricky one.
(off to count my blessings now...)

susplum

How about buying him some shoes and putting some little gifts in them like sweeties and collector cards or little toys. Or take him into town and buy him shoes then ask him to help you pick out a present for mummy, tell him you want something give you a bubbly bath or a new hair colour. It doesn't have to be expensive, but if he see's that you have the money to treat yourself he might feel a little better.

HTH (((((((((hugs)))))))))) for you and Sam

xxxxxxxx

plumduff-2

weller711 wrote:

Hi all, just need to write this down as my heart is well and truly broken and I feel that I am just failing my children. As most of you will know we are in a lot of debt and are doing a self admin DMP, everything seems to be going ok so far and hubby is working lots of overtime to help reduce debts.

We have a 7 year old son and an 8 month old daughter. My son couldn't speak until he was approx 5 and still has trouble sometimes, ie: stuttering when hes tired or upset. He has improved really, really well and tries so hard and I am so proud of him, he has made friends at school and is coming on in leaps and buounds and is a very loving, caring, kind and clever boy - the apple of my eye.

This morning, hubby at work and my son comes into our bedroom and asks if can get into bed with me for a cudlle, of course I say and in he jumps. I love moments like this when I can devote time to him as with new baby its quite hard (baby asleep in her room). The conversation goes like this:-

Sam - Mummy do you love me?
Me - Yes sweetie, more than all the clouds in the sky
Sam - Are you upset Mummy
Me - No, why darling?
Sam - You know when you thought I had gone to bed the other night, well I came downstairs for a drink of milk and heard you and Daddy talking (kitchen on floor higher than living room)
Me- Did you darling, well you should have been in bed? (laughing)
Sam - You were upset Mummy because you said you couldn't afford things and I don't like it when you get upset.
Me - Well, we couldn't afford for Mummy to get some new boots - I was only a bit upset but Mummy has other boots.
Sam - Well, I;ve been thinking and I think I should go live with Grandma and Pa then you can afford the new boots
Me - (horrified) I am not bothered about the boots sweetie, I love you and want you to stay here with me
Sam - But you can't afford me Mummy cos I need new clothes and food and toys and things so if I go live with Grandma and Pa you won't need to afford me and then you'll be happy and wont cry anymore
Me- (tears rolling down my cheeks, heart literally broken) But I only want you, you Samuel make me happy, happier than anything else and I don't want you to go, I don't wnat anything else other than you, mollie and daddy

sorry, can't type anymore - i've ruined my childs life and what kind of Mummy am I. I'm no use to him, maybe he'd be better off with my mum and dad as I'm obvioulsy destroying him. I feel like a piece of me has been ripped out

!!!!{GULP}}}

OHM - children arent they great...

As if a pair of boots would come before him... bless...! Welll, not until he's a teenager anyway... then the boots would definately come first...

plumduff-2

OMG... just read the whole post, what a terrible situation.. how can your Mother say that about Social Services... threatening you and your son in the bargain... controlling manipulitive woman...

SS are there to keep families together not to tear them apart... so dotn concern yourself with that empty threat...

And stoip the £200 pm payments to her.. what has she done to you to deserve such generous handouts...? That £200 would be better spent on your gorgeous children...

I dont have an opinion about whether to tell your dad.. that is your decision, you obviously think a great deal about him... and are probably thinking why hurt him if you dont need to ... But keep Mrs Monster out of your lives thats for dam sure...

Your son may lover her but he defiantely doesnt need the crap she will heap on him over the years, not with him having dyspraxia to contend with...

Good luck... xxx