The New Me And Our Quest To Become Debt Free And Have Self Belief

southernscouser

weller711 wrote:

I would like to tell my Dad, even though he would be really hurt by what my Mum has done - he's a very straight man and has very stong feelings about what is right and wrong but we have a problem in that we are frightened of opening up a can of worms if we tell him and not just ban my Mum.

Please forgive me if I don't go into too much detail but my Mum has a lot of secrets - one in particular that would literally kill my Dad - she first told me about "the first one" (maybe that will give you a clue) when i was 11 and there have been numerous ones since - I have known about them, well, really had them pushed in my face, constantly since then.

My mum used to work where my hubby did and it was happening there and people used to taunt my hubby about what she was doing and he was so ashamed he left. Things are still going on to this day, all different ones (hence the holiday at the weekend) and we are scared that if we get into a big row with my Mum when telling my Dad, all this will come out and I honestly, honestly think my Dad would top himself if he ever found out. He would see that as an ultimate betrayal and is Catholic too and if he knew it had been going on for approx 25 years, well, I dare not think what he'd do.

When you are rowing with someone, things do tend to spill out and though I am not particulary bothered about my Mum, I am very concerned for my Dad.

I can understand your fears for your dad. But neither of you should have to put up with having her in your life.

It's easy saying it all from this side of the fence I know. Just don't let her amipulate things you it is you who ends up getting the blame!

ZTD

weller711 wrote:

He says he is not going to tell my dad as he thinks a lot of him and it will destroy him but due to not letting my Mum come and visit us, he says she will have to explain why and if Dad asks us - he will just tell him to ask my Mum. He says shes done it herself and will have to explain her actions to my Dad herself.

Not sure if that is the best thing to do with regards my Dad but I'll speak to hubby tonight and see if hes thought about it anymore.

I would agree with you, and disagree with your husband. If you do like and respect your Dad, then you must feed him the wholesome truth directly, and not allow him to drink the poison of your Mother's lies.

It sounds more like chickening out of a difficult situation, than "saving" your Dad's feelings.

emzig123

Hiya Weller, I have been keeping an eye on this thread and it has reduced me to tears quite a few times. Your OH, son and daughter all sound sooooo gorgeous and lovely and you should be so proud. With regards to your dad, if you decide not to tell him yourself, make sure he knows that he can come to you if he needs to. Sounds like your mum is incredibly manipulative and has possibly manipulated him throughout their marriage and so if the **** hits the fan, he may just need you. However, put you and your familys health and wellbeing first, your little kids are your and OH's priority so take this opportunity to get things out in the open and to start afresh. Well done on everything so far, I'm so proud of you!!

ps my mum had depression when I was 17 and consequently counselling and although 4years on she isn't fully well, she is much better through being honest with herself about her limitations and her strengths. so it can be done! xxx

chevalier

I am so pleased that you told your OH.Your life will be much easier from now on. I think with regard to your dad, I would explain that you have been helping out with your mums debts, but that now you can't and that your mum has therefore had a big row with you. So that now you don't feel she can come around. It is sort of true, and your mum will deny it of course, but if you just keep on calmly repeating this to him, and be consistent, then in the end I am sure that he will see that YOU are telling the truth.

I wish you the very best of luck with this decision, as there is no good way to go about this, especially with family.
chev

Dumyat

its the ripple effect isnt it? I can understand you dont want your father to know about the other secrets. However it is wrong of your mum to expect you to keep all these secrets for her. it is her responsibility not yours.
I dont think you can get involved in their marriage. thats their issue and there may be a whole lot of stuff you dont know about. some partners know about their other half's infidelities and are happy to live with it.

your family is suffering financial hardship because of this £200 every month. that is a lot of money! you have to look after number one. try and keep to the money issue. If any other secrets are revealed it is not your fault. you did nothing wrong.

earwig

hi your dad is a cathloic wouldnt he be just as mortifed that you helped cover up his wifes sins i say this coming from a cathloic background and adultry is a big no no but so is not tell the truth also if he his a devout cathloic only you would know this toping himself will not be an option for him (im not saying he wont you will know better than me )as you know topping your self isnt allowed somthing to do with your soul not sure excatly sure what but defently somthing to do with your soul i know when my mum self harmed she alway made sure she did die from it because of her faith

i understand your fears but this isnt going to go away can you talk to your local priest about this and get some guidance over your situation or talk to another famley member yes your dad will be hurt but if finds out from anyone but you he will be even more hurt that you couldnt talk to him about this like i said before your dad proberly knows somthing up any way good luck with it all

misspoppy

HI Weller

Well done for sharing all this and I'm really glad you got a good nights sleep last night.

I also think you should tell your Dad the reason why you are banning your Mum. Regarding the secrets well, he must be suspicious about these trips it sounds like she has treated everyone she has come into contact with badly and getting things in the open will take her power away. Without that power she won't be able to continually hurt you all.

Good luck.

Dumyat

misspoppy wrote:

HI Weller

Well done for sharing all this and I'm really glad you got a good nights sleep last night.

I also think you should tell your Dad the reason why you are banning your Mum. Regarding the secrets well, he must be suspicious about these trips it sounds like she has treated everyone she has come into contact with badly and getting things in the open will take her power away. Without that power she won't be able to continually hurt you all.

Good luck.

exactly. you hold all the power in this situation. She let you think she did, but in reality you have the power. this is emotional and financial blackmail. it is wrong.

Storm

Just catching up with this thread, and to put in my tuppence (for what it's worth) you've made huge inroads into dealing with the situation, and you need to tell your dad asap, before you lose the momentum. Also, although you obviously want to support your dad, your first priority is yourself, your children & your OH. Your mum sounds a nightmare, and it's amazing your doing such a good job considering the role model you had yourself!

moonlightpjs

Just when you think things are getting better and sorted - it turns out they aren't. Got a phone call fom school at 1.20pm, could I please go pick Samuel up as he is very tearful and they can't get any sense out of him and he wont go back in to class after playtime. Worried sick, I get Mollie ready and get the bus to school. Sam sat in headmasters office, crying buckets and shaking -go straight to him and hold him, try and calm him down a bit - teacher and headmaster looking on. Ask him to tell me whats wrong, stuttering like crazy he says Joshua was laughing at him 'cos he couldn't play 'cos HIS shoes were hurting him a lot and he told Joshua that he coudln't have new shoes 'cos Mummy needed new boots and Mummy couldn't afford them, so Joshua laughed some more and started poking Sam whilst saying he was poor. teacher stopped it, samule crying and phoned me.
Got Samuel home and told him we have money for new shoes (I have an account with money in for school uniform, school activites, school trips and shoes) he said I needed boots - I said no darling, look Mummy has got them on and they don't hurt her, adults feet don't grow but kids do and thats why his shoes were hurting him as they were telling him they needed new shoes, so we will get you new shoes when daddy comes home. Samuel says he doesn;t want any and isn't going back to school - hes in his bedroom now and wont speak to me and wont come down and never mind before - now my heart is really broken - well and truly. i am an absoltly useless mum, I should have noticed his shoes were too small, i should have noticed he was uncomfy, he should have been able to talk to me. nerver mind my bloody mother. im a totally useless crap mother. i dont wnat any bl00dy boots pleasse someone help me sams in peieces and i dont know what to do to put it right