Not sure how to cope

EssexGirl

I don't know where else to post this so I hope it's in the right place.

My husband is in hospital with a large unidentified mass in his abdomen. Xray, ultrasound and even a CT scan can't tell them what it is. He is currently waiting on another CT scan before they send him to another hospital as it is beyond the specialties of the one he is at now. He's fit, mobile, in fact you wouldn't know there was anything wrong with him.

I have a 13 year old and an 8 month old baby that we tried for 9 years for, to look after. Both of my parents are passed away and I don't have any family apart from my husbands in a reasonable distance.
My friends are amazing, but I feel guilty asking them for help, I don't want to be a burden to them, they have their own familes and problems.

My husband is my rock, my best mate and my soulmate, we have been together since we were teenagers and have been through hell and back together. If anything was going to go wrong I always thought it would be me, short, fat and family history of nasty diseases. We miss each other so badly and he is going through hell in the hospital as no-one can give him the answers he needs, and sheer boredom of sitting there not being able to do anything being with the "sick people"
It breaks my heart to leave him to take the children home, but I have to keep the baby in a semblance of a routine. We miss each other so much.
It's the evenings when it's worst, when the baby is crying cos she's teething and can't settle, normally we would take it in turns.

I'd love to have a nice glass of something alcoholic, but I know I can't because I'm in sole charge of the kids. The house is in a state too.

It's the uncertainty I hate so much. If I knew it was cancer or somthing, then we could make plans, but whatever it is seems to have the doctors dumfounded.


How the hell do I cope with this? I can't keep crying or being grumpy with the kids, it's not fair on them.

Has anyone else been thorough anything like this?

tanith

Didn't want to read and run just wanted to send you a big (((hug)) can't be easy , I'm sure your friends would be only too happy for you to lean on them , hopefully they'll come up with and answer and it will be good news.. keep your chin up and maybe tackle the house if its bothering you it'll keep your mind occupied if nothing else..

notsurewhereIstand

They are sending him to another hospital, which is better than sending him home. The medics have high tech tools to find things out.

Hallelujah for the scientists.

Uncertainty is difficult to cope with, but stay with the same daily routine and wait and see.

Is the hospital he is going to in London?

Plans_all_plans

I think you should ring your best and oldest friends now and explain the situation. ASK them for help. There is no shame in it and you can only benefit.

If friends can't help as often as you need then the following suggestions may help:

With a new baby, HomeStart may be able to help you. They can help with things about the house and offer further support. Maybe give them a try too. http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support

Are you on maternity leave? If so and if you work for a large company, often they will have a counselling service that you can speak to. It may help to offload to a stranger.

Best of luck, my heart goes out to you.

Giddytimes

(((((Hugs)))))

Try and take as positive a view as you can, I know it's extremely difficult waiting for a diagnosis but the CT scan hasn't identified the mass as cancer, which is a very good thing. There are a number of less serious things it could be (my Dad has terminal stomach cancer at the moment so I've done a lot of research).
It is also positive that they are sending him to a specialist hospital for further tests, hopefully they will be able to sort the problem.

I'm certain your friends would not see it as a burden, I'd be pleased to help out a friend in need, you shouldn't suffer on your own, reach out.

pollypenny

Yes, DH was in hospital being investigated for cancer of the lung years ago. The kids were 7 and 4 and I had just started my degree.

He is the sort who likes to talk about everything and get reassurance - I am the opposite, especially when I fear the outcome is bad.

I did have to take the help of my friends - which was readily given, I must say! Couple living without support from families often have to help each other, and there's always a chance to reciprocate.

Things did work out well for us.

I sincerely hope they do for you and your husband.

Pol
xx

Lara44

Hi Essexgirl so sorry to hear about that.

I can only reiterate the other posters - get in touch with your friends and ask them for help. I enjoy helping my friends out - that's what friendship is for. If I knew a friend was struggling and hadn't asked, I'd be gutted. Even if they can't help with the baby they can give you company, comfort and reassurance - all things you need right now. Please, reach out to your supprt network. Don't forget your OH friends might be able to help too, for example by visiting him.

MrsManda

Didn't want to read and run.
To echo what others have said, do ask friends for help, something as simple as having a couple of friends round one evening for a dvd and a natter can make a lot of difference. A single glass of wine is not going to affect your ability to look after your children but may relax you so you can get some sleep.
Do you get on with your husband's family? Could they take the children for a few hours so you can get some rest? Or come over and do some tidying to help you out?

In terms of missing your husband, I know how hard that is - I have spent a lot of time in hospital over the years and it's always really hard to be separated. My hospital is ~60 miles from home so we don't get to see each other during the week while I'm there.

Is it possible for your husband to take a laptop to hospital and get a pay as you go mobile internet stick? I've done this in the past and it's helped keeping in touch and being to chat without costing a fortune on the hospital phones. It won't help you with looking after your baby but may help you cope.

When are they transferring your husband? Hopefully you'll get answers soon, I find waiting much worse than knowing what's going on.

Don't try to do this alone, your friends will help and if you need to you can speak to the support services at the hospital to see if they have any advice for you.

*hugs*

peachyprice

Sorry if I've read it wrong, but from what you've written he doesn't actually feel ill, despite this mass? In which case could he ask the hospital if he can at least go home at the weekend when they rarely do any testing and the consultants aren't there and come back Sunday evening/first thing on Monday? That might make him feel better and give your family at least a couple of days normality.

universalady_2

Just wanted to say there's a bit of 'virtual support' coming from me {{{hugs}}} can't be easy, but I'm rooting for you both. My OH is my soulmate, I'd be lost if I was in this situation, focus on your kids, they'll keep you going

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs Darling, I will pray. What about asking HV if there's any support can be offered?

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

How about writing a list of smallish chunks of help you would like and then when people offer you will know exactly what to ask for?

Dandle baby for an hour so I can get a bath/visit DH on my behalf once/hoover one room/make one reheatable meal et.c?