is this selfish of me?

red_devil

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Will try and be brief!

My patents (in mid 50's) have temp custody of my 3 year old niece and have had her for nearly a year. My bro and his gf don't really do much - as in provide clothes etc, neither work, but they have access to niece (often only see her for a short time before disappearing)

My dad didn't really help with niece, does now a bit. Mum was getting annoyed. To help out I have niece one night a week so mum can go out and dad can have some peace. Been doing this for months now.

Anyway, I have my own 4 year old, and baby due in 3 weeks. Started mat leave this week. Have been mentioning to mum for a bit now that I want to stop having niece - will start having her again once settled with baby etc


why cant the parentI'm at hospital this week, baby hasn't been growing much, there's talk of being induced (but probably not happen as baby is due soon anyway)

Mum dropped niece off today and I mentioned I would have her this week but as baby is due soon I wouldn't be having her from then on

Mums not happy. She has a "party" next week (its not a party - its pie and peas at local pub during bingo) and dad is out playing pool - she says I should still have niece, its not nice to stop sleep over as niece looks forward to it etc.

Now feel a right cow and ended up saying I will have niece next week but that's it.

Am I wrong to want the time to "nest" and just relax ?

Should add - mum HAS been having my DD once a week too for the past 4 weeks. I didn't want this but DD asked mum "how come X stays (mum has my other nice who is older stay once a week too) and I can't" so mum told DD she could stay and that was that. DD goes to Mums at 7pm, goes to bed at 7:30pm and I pick her back up at 8am. I do appreciate mum has DD but never ever asked for this.

My OH doesn't live with me so he isn't about to help so its me, 38 weeks pregnant and 2 kids and I just don't want to be running round after my niece who is still in the 'terrible 2's'

why cant the parents do more they are the ones that sound selfish. Carry on doing what you can but think of yourself as well. Your neice i am sure will appreciate it later on in life when she knows what you did.

londonsurrey

It sounds like you understand the demarcation lines fairly well.

If your line was "Family stays together no matter what", then you're being unreasonable.
But you have stated clearly that the nuclear family is all you can manage full time, with a bit of helping out of peripheral family every now and again.

Your mother knows your stance. Any decisions she makes should be based on that, and if she doesn't, then any stress or inconveniences are ones that she has chosen not to avoid.

It also sounds like she's concentrating more on childcare(food and cleanliness) of the niece rather than actually bringing it up(teaching it consequences, self control, acceptable social behaviour), which could be how the child's father was brought up, and why he finds it acceptable to simply abandon his child to his ageing mother.

Poppy9

londonsurrey wrote: »

It also sounds like she's concentrating more on childcare(food and cleanliness) of the niece rather than actually bringing it up(teaching it consequences, self control, acceptable social behaviour), which could be how the child's father was brought up, and why he finds it acceptable to simply abandon his child to his ageing mother.

"it" really:rotfl::rotfl:

OP your mother can and should be getting help from Social Services. She shouldn't worry they would take her granddaughter from her as they have a shortage of foster carers and the preferred option is to keep children in the family. She can ask them for financial or practical support. With the school holidays coming up again maybe there are some day activities she could attend that may help her with social interaction with other children.

mummyroysof3

i dont think you are being selfish tbh..you have done more than you could have done so dont feel guilty

Nicki

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

There isnt any one else that would babysit - my mums friends are much older, she doesnt trust the local "youngsters" to babysit and theres no other family around except me and bros.

Does the neice go to nursery, as often the nursery workers will moonlight as babysitters for extra money? Or is she a member of a church or other organisation where she could ask someone she knows to do it on a paid basis? As a last resort, there are usually agencies where you can hire babysitters but these can be expensive.

To be honest, its in her interest to sort something out, as once you have the baby, she's likely to have a good 6-8 weeks before you feel up to giving her a break again. And if you want more, you should take it. No one would give you a hard time if you didn't want to have a neice overnight every week if she was still living with your brother and his partner, and the situation isn't different because the child is living with her granny. Your brother and his problems are your parent's responsibility, not yours, assuming they want to take that responsibility on for a grown adult, so you have no obligation to help out at all, though it does you credit that you have been willing to do so, and to such a huge extent, at what must have been a difficult time in your own life.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

red_devil wrote: »

why cant the parents do more they are the ones that sound selfish. Carry on doing what you can but think of yourself as well. Your neice i am sure will appreciate it later on in life when she knows what you did.

They arent allowed unsupervised access (granted, they could see her more during their supervised access - not sure why they dont tbh - have little time for them)

londonsurrey wrote: »

It sounds like you understand the demarcation lines fairly well.

If your line was "Family stays together no matter what", then you're being unreasonable.
But you have stated clearly that the nuclear family is all you can manage full time, with a bit of helping out of peripheral family every now and again.

Your mother knows your stance. Any decisions she makes should be based on that, and if she doesn't, then any stress or inconveniences are ones that she has chosen not to avoid.

It also sounds like she's concentrating more on childcare(food and cleanliness) of the niece rather than actually bringing it up(teaching it consequences, self control, acceptable social behaviour), which could be how the child's father was brought up, and why he finds it acceptable to simply abandon his child to his ageing mother.

He didnt really have a choice in the matter to be honest, I cant go into what happened (obviously) but there was a few incidents at home, Bro was never in the house at the time they happened. SS saying he cant look after them but dont have anything solid to back this up. The GF has doctor reports saying she is mentally unable to

Poppy9 wrote: »

"it" really:rotfl::rotfl:

OP your mother can and should be getting help from Social Services. She shouldn't worry they would take her granddaughter from her as they have a shortage of foster carers and the preferred option is to keep children in the family. She can ask them for financial or practical support. With the school holidays coming up again maybe there are some day activities she could attend that may help her with social interaction with other children.

She should - but isnt unfortunatley. We have already gone through the complaints procedure - at the moment it is with the Director of SS who is investigating. Unfortunatley they are at court soon and the investigation from SS will over run this. They've attended once to check on my niece the WHOLE time mum has had her and thats it. They cant take my niece off my mum (Court order on her) and my niece wont go into care -either bro gets her back or mum carries on having her,

With the niece thats already in foster care - either my bro gets her back, or she goes for adoption

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Nicki wrote: »

Does the neice go to nursery, as often the nursery workers will moonlight as babysitters for extra money? Or is she a member of a church or other organisation where she could ask someone she knows to do it on a paid basis? As a last resort, there are usually agencies where you can hire babysitters but these can be expensive.

To be honest, its in her interest to sort something out, as once you have the baby, she's likely to have a good 6-8 weeks before you feel up to giving her a break again. And if you want more, you should take it. No one would give you a hard time if you didn't want to have a neice overnight every week if she was still living with your brother and his partner, and the situation isn't different because the child is living with her granny. Your brother and his problems are your parent's responsibility, not yours, assuming they want to take that responsibility on for a grown adult, so you have no obligation to help out at all, though it does you credit that you have been willing to do so, and to such a huge extent, at what must have been a difficult time in your own life.

niece does go to nursery - one of the girls DID used to babysit (for me) but charges a ridiculous amount that mum won't pay/cant afford to pay (To be honest this is why me and OH don't go out much!) no church / organisation - Have a nephew who COULD babysit but at 17 he wants to be out and about rather than babysitting and wont do it.

I'd love to say they are taking responsibility for their actions, but they keep "passing the buck" and blaming everyone else. I dont understand why they dont see niece more - they give excuses like "no pretrol" - Where as, in my opinion, if it was my DD who had been took off me, I'd walk it to see her

londonsurrey

If he hasn't abandoned her, why isn't he doing something to alleviate your mother's workload? Either paying for supplementary childcare, or paying for someone to help around the house , or swapping favours with someone who will help her out, etc.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

londonsurrey wrote: »

If he hasn't abandoned her, why isn't he doing something to alleviate your mother's workload? Either paying for supplementary childcare, or paying for someone to help around the house , or swapping favours with someone who will help her out, etc.

He doesnt work and struggles to find a decent job. When he does get a job the GF screams, cries, has a break down - she cant stand him being out of her sight. I kid you not - if he mows the garden she follows him up and down the lawn.

I dont know why he doesnt swap favours - but then i guess he hasnt had to whilst ive been having niece

(sorry - i do know he comes across as an a hole, he isnt, he's just making a lot of mistakes at the minute) - He is brilliant around my niece (and my DD) - there's just a doubt over the care he could provide which is what SS are throwing at him.

Poppy9

Is your mother getting any financial support? I.e does she get family allowance and any tax credits? You can ask Social Services for help with her entitlements or if your mother/father is a member of a union through their own work they should be able to provide welfare benefit advice.