is this selfish of me?

McKneff

Hope you all resolve this, but the major aspect to me is this little girl, she has been rejected by her parents, god help her future mental state, she is being (as she sees it) rejected even for one night by her nana and grandad and now (as she sees it) by her auntie.
God bless this lttle mite.............................

BitterAndTwisted

Are you being selfish? Yes. But being on your own with a 4 year old and a brand-new baby, if that's not the time to be a tiny bit selfish I don't know when is.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Is this the child they tried to force you to adopt/foster at the expense of your own wishes for a child of your own? Seems strange that they now believed it would only be for a couple of weeks when she took the child on. I suppose it completely proves your decision was the right thing to do, however.


I'd be inclined to brave the grumbling and say you can't do it until further notice.

And good luck with the LO!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Poppy9 wrote: »

I think you mother is running herself ragged trying to keep her very fractured family together. It must break her heart and she must wonder where she went wrong with her grandchidren having so little stability and none of them seem to have much in the way of a paternal presence. I think this is why she is taking on so much.

While she may say she wouldn't have taken on your niece if she knew she was going to have her permanently this doesn't sound like the sort of woman who would see her grandchid in care.

It's a great shame her sons don't appreciate her more.

Regarding you and your predicament. Well I can see where you are coming from in wanting to rest but I think the real underlying issue is that you don't want to be tied forever in having your neice over and now is the chance to break free. I'm not saying this is a bad thing and you don't want to become resentful as your niece will pick this up and the poor child has already been rejected by her parents.

Can't you ask the father of your baby/daughter to help out? Maybe he could take his daughter out for the day/overnight to give you some rest time?

I hope all goes well for you with the baby. It's difficult situation all round!

Oh no its not that I want to stop having her all together, honestly, I said that once baby is settled ill start again, its just these few weeks

My DD doesn't see her dad - his choice. She knows who her dad is but sees OH as her step dad

Babies dad is moving in temporary - hes brill with kids but my worry is that it will be a lot with 2, never mind 3 kids awake at night esp when he has work

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Is this the child they tried to force you to adopt/foster at the expense of your own wishes for a child of your own? Seems strange that they now believed it would only be for a couple of weeks when she took the child on. I suppose it completely proves your decision was the right thing to do, however.


I'd be inclined to brave the grumbling and say you can't do it until further notice.

And good luck with the LO!

The one in foster care is the one she wanted me to have, I spoke to my brother about it and he turned quite nasty (fair enough he has lost his kids) but I thought 'this, for the next 16 years - not a chance' so declined. I don't see this child (mainly because I was working when mum has access) and as court case is.near, if bro loses (like I suspect) she will be adopted.

Mum still believes he will get them back - she's adamant she though it would be a short term thing but as you say, all that hassle in the beginning suggests otherwise.

I know she expects me to have niece NYE as she reasons I won't be going out but she hasn't actually asked and we do actually have plans

I think ill have niece next week but then stop it (for a bit) - ill try and explain to niece that she can come again later on - she knows there's a baby coming and she will more than likely be round mine visiting do its not as if she won't see us, she just can't sleep

Thanks everyone

CH27

I suspect your mum is struggling.
Having a 3 year old constantly at 50+ must be very tiring.

I don't any of the background but I imagine your niece must be very unsettled by all the changes & not seeing her parents much.

Nicki

Your mum might well be struggling, but it was her choice to take your neice and she is mid 50's not some elderly biddy, so should easily be strong and fit enough to cope. Sorry to sound harsh, but if she CHOSE to take on parental responsibility for this child rather than see her go into care, than she needs to step up and fulfil that role, and if that means she misses out on a pub bingo night then that's tough. Can she not get someone else to babysit for that night if she is adamant she wants to go, as any other parent would? It doesn't have to be a family member provided she is willing to put her hand in her pocket and pay.

37 weeks pregnant on your own with 2 kids under 3 to look after is no picnic, whether the pregnancy is high risk or not, and IMO no you are not being unreasonable to say that you cannot have your neice for several weeks until after the baby is born and you are settled. I had my third child two years ago, when I had my husband around and my children were 7 and 8 years old, and to be honest by 37 weeks I was utterly exhausted and sound asleep on the sofa from 6pm every night, with a nap in the afternoon needed as well!

SandC

No I don't think you are being selfish, you are about to have another child and want a bit of breathing space for a few weeks. Nothing wrong with that.

As far as the rest goes, well people like yourself who put themselves out and help with family matters such as these always feel guilty about things that others are not bothered about at all. Sometimes you have to just say no and that's that. Your mum asks for the help from you and doesn't bother with the others because she knows you are reliable and helpful. I suspect if you needed help yourself you wouldn't ask for it and it wouldn't be seen either.

Try to take all this as a huge compliment as to how needed and respected you are by your mum. And speak up if you feel put upon, what is the worst outcome if you do? A clearing of the air most likely.

the_cat

Well for a start you might be in hospital having your baby next week, so it is very foolish of your mum to be assuming that you are available for any sort of help. And incredibly selfish imo!

Neither her event or your dad's pool playing are exactly life or death are they? Let them argue the toss over who misses what and stick to your guns!

elvis86

I think your mum (and the rest of your family, by the sounds of it) need to direct their anger at the right people. She isn't stuck with custody of the little girl because of you. Folk don't get their kids taken off them for no reason...

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

CH27 wrote: »

I suspect your mum is struggling.
Having a 3 year old constantly at 50+ must be very tiring.

I don't any of the background but I imagine your niece must be very unsettled by all the changes & not seeing her parents much.

She might be struggling but then my concern is this: at court there is one of two ways this will go. My bro will get his kids back (IMO unlikely) or mum gains custody of my niece for the next 15 year . . .If she cant cope now, in her 50's, how is she going to cope when she nears her late 60's - near on 70?

Nicki wrote: »

Your mum might well be struggling, but it was her choice to take your neice and she is mid 50's not some elderly biddy, so should easily be strong and fit enough to cope. Sorry to sound harsh, but if she CHOSE to take on parental responsibility for this child rather than see her go into care, than she needs to step up and fulfil that role, and if that means she misses out on a pub bingo night then that's tough. Can she not get someone else to babysit for that night if she is adamant she wants to go, as any other parent would? It doesn't have to be a family member provided she is willing to put her hand in her pocket and pay.

37 weeks pregnant on your own with 2 kids under 3 to look after is no picnic, whether the pregnancy is high risk or not, and IMO no you are not being unreasonable to say that you cannot have your neice for several weeks until after the baby is born and you are settled. I had my third child two years ago, when I had my husband around and my children were 7 and 8 years old, and to be honest by 37 weeks I was utterly exhausted and sound asleep on the sofa from 6pm every night, with a nap in the afternoon needed as well!

The highlighted bit is what a little voice keeps telling me.

There isnt any one else that would babysit - my mums friends are much older, she doesnt trust the local "youngsters" to babysit and theres no other family around except me and bros.

elvis86 wrote: »

I think your mum (and the rest of your family, by the sounds of it) need to direct their anger at the right people. She isn't stuck with custody of the little girl because of you. Folk don't get their kids taken off them for no reason...

No they dont - the case is still going through court and both my bro and social services have made massive errors on their part (The social worker stated - in court! - that she wanted the kids removed permently so she could "win the case, its my first one")

The mother of my niece isn't mentally capable of looking after children and she has already been informed she can not have her kids back (she has 4 - only 2 are my brothers)

I personally think, after everything i know - obviously i cant go into it, my mum will end up with custody.