is this selfish of me?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Will try and be brief!

My patents (in mid 50's) have temp custody of my 3 year old niece and have had her for nearly a year. My bro and his gf don't really do much - as in provide clothes etc, neither work, but they have access to niece (often only see her for a short time before disappearing)

My dad didn't really help with niece, does now a bit. Mum was getting annoyed. To help out I have niece one night a week so mum can go out and dad can have some peace. Been doing this for months now.

Anyway, I have my own 4 year old, and baby due in 3 weeks. Started mat leave this week. Have been mentioning to mum for a bit now that I want to stop having niece - will start having her again once settled with baby etc

I'm at hospital this week, baby hasn't been growing much, there's talk of being induced (but probably not happen as baby is due soon anyway)

Mum dropped niece off today and I mentioned I would have her this week but as baby is due soon I wouldn't be having her from then on

Mums not happy. She has a "party" next week (its not a party - its pie and peas at local pub during bingo) and dad is out playing pool - she says I should still have niece, its not nice to stop sleep over as niece looks forward to it etc.

Now feel a right cow and ended up saying I will have niece next week but that's it.

Am I wrong to want the time to "nest" and just relax ?

Should add - mum HAS been having my DD once a week too for the past 4 weeks. I didn't want this but DD asked mum "how come X stays (mum has my other nice who is older stay once a week too) and I can't" so mum told DD she could stay and that was that. DD goes to Mums at 7pm, goes to bed at 7:30pm and I pick her back up at 8am. I do appreciate mum has DD but never ever asked for this.

My OH doesn't live with me so he isn't about to help so its me, 38 weeks pregnant and 2 kids and I just don't want to be running round after my niece who is still in the 'terrible 2's'

Aimless

I don't think it is selfish, I think maybe either your mum has forgotten how hard it is, or she really wants to go to her do?

I'm not far behind you, and everything seems like such hard work at the mo! I've agreed to a houseful of teenagers for an evening this week, but I flat out refused to put it off till next week when asked, if they can't make it, tough!

McKneff

I always found it easier when my second child was born to have someone over the play with my other toddler son.

They played together leaving me to 'nest' as you put it. The only extra was a bit more food and an extra bed to make.

If you are billing and cooing over new baby there is a chance that your other little one will feel lonely or left out
and be missing them.

I can go half way to understanding your mum, she is no Spring chicken and probably values the little break

Selfish, maybe just a little.

Aimless

That might work once the baby is here, but personally right now, size of a house, full of heartburn, nausea, aching pelvis etc, last thing I'd want is an extra littlie to run after! At least the teens I can leave to their own devices and just throw pizza at halfway through the eve.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I feel bad because she does have all the grandkids a lot. She has 6 in total - my baby is number 7

Bro has 3 kids - 1 lives with mum, 1 in foster care that mum supervises access for (4 hours a week) and 1 is with bro ex, mum has her for an hour a week

Other bro has 2 - 1 doesn't go to Mums, 1 goes once a week over night

Mine - she goes over night

Now the thing that's bugging me is this - mum chooses to have the kids. My 2 siblings never help, always me. I never wanted DD to stay @ Mums as I knew mum wants time to herself too but I feel like my hands are tied - DD wants to go, mum wants her to go. I'm the "evil" one if I say no iyswim.

I've not said ill never help again, I just want to rest a bit whilst I can :-(

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

McKneff wrote: »

I always found it easier when my second child was born to have someone over the play with my other toddler son.

They played together leaving me to 'nest' as you put it. The only extra was a bit more food and an extra bed to make.

If you are billing and cooing over new baby there is a chance that your other little one will feel lonely or left out
and be missing them.

I can go half way to understanding your mum, she is no Spring chicken and probably values the little break

Selfish, maybe just a little.

They don't play together nicely that's the problem. My niece gets away with a lot - take today. Out and about, mum was holding nieces hand. Mums phone rang In her bag so she told niece to hold my hand whilst she got her phone. Niece threw a half hour screaming fit. Mum stopped looking for her phone and went to cuddle miece. I told mum to carry on walking and I took niece to one side and let her throw a tantrum and ignored her. Niece calmed down and that was that

Niece thinks its ok to bite etc and unfortunately its normally DD on end of it

If she was an angel fair enough - but she does act up (and so does DD occasionally - she she's niece getting away with things at Mums and tries it at home)

kingfisherblue

Having had three kids, all very different pregnancies but enormous with each, I would say that you are definitely not being awkward to ask your mum for a few weeks off from having your niece overnight. You need time to rest.

What will happen if you either go into early labour or have to be induced before next week's visit? Would either she or your dad miss their night out? One would presumably have to,as your niece would need someone there to look after her.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

kingfisherblue wrote: »

Having had three kids, all very different pregnancies but enormous with each, I would say that you are definitely not being awkward to ask your mum for a few weeks off from having your niece overnight. You need time to rest.

What will happen if you either go into early labour or have to be induced before next week's visit? Would either she or your dad miss their night out? One would presumably have to,as your niece would need someone there to look after her.

That was my thinking too but mum is having DD when I go into hospital until my friend can get here to pick up DD and mum said "it would be easier" if niece wad here when I go into labour so I wouldnt have to take DD round Mums lol

I don't think in all honesty they will induce me - baby hasnt been growing right since 4 month, have just been monitored every other week and she's due in 19 days - would have thought, if they was gonna do it, they would have done it by now (unless obv scan shows something seriously wrong but baby very active so doubt it)

McKneff

Well try and think forward.

When you want to go to a 'do' and you have 2 children, who is the first person you are going to call on.

I get the impression that this mid 50's lady is being a little taken for granted re her grand children,

Give 60% take 40%, and remember how much you love your mum, I can almost guarantee she loves you 10 times more.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

McKneff wrote: »

Well try and think forward.

When you want to go to a 'do' and you have 2 children, who is the first person you are going to call on.

I get the impression that this mid 50's lady is being a little taken for granted re her grand children,

Give 60% take 40%, and remember how much you love your mum, I can almost guarantee she loves you 10 times more.

Actually I don't let my mum babysit lol but I see where your coming from

She is taken advantage of - but when I initially said she wasn't having DD she said I was "neglecting" her time with DD. DD does stay but as mentioned I drop her off as late as possible and pick her up early next day.

Bro obviously can't help mum as he can't be left with kids

Other bro doesn't care and is just glad to get rid of his DD for the night

It sounds horrible of me but If mum really can't cope, then I don't see why she insists on having any of the grandkids. I really don't force DD on to mum, I would prefer DD to stay at home. Mum has admitted if she knew she would still have niece a year on she wouldnt have took her (mum honestly thought bro would get kids back within a month) - Mums looking at having niece for another 13 year now which I thinks what getting to her - final court case is soon

Poppy9

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

It sounds horrible of me but If mum really can't cope, then I don't see why she insists on having any of the grandkids. I really don't force DD on to mum, I would prefer DD to stay at home. Mum has admitted if she knew she would still have niece a year on she wouldnt have took her (mum honestly thought bro would get kids back within a month) - Mums looking at having niece for another 13 year now which I thinks what getting to her - final court case is soon

I think you mother is running herself ragged trying to keep her very fractured family together. It must break her heart and she must wonder where she went wrong with her grandchidren having so little stability and none of them seem to have much in the way of a paternal presence. I think this is why she is taking on so much.

While she may say she wouldn't have taken on your niece if she knew she was going to have her permanently this doesn't sound like the sort of woman who would see her grandchid in care.

It's a great shame her sons don't appreciate her more.

Regarding you and your predicament. Well I can see where you are coming from in wanting to rest but I think the real underlying issue is that you don't want to be tied forever in having your neice over and now is the chance to break free. I'm not saying this is a bad thing and you don't want to become resentful as your niece will pick this up and the poor child has already been rejected by her parents.

Can't you ask the father of your baby/daughter to help out? Maybe he could take his daughter out for the day/overnight to give you some rest time?

I hope all goes well for you with the baby. It's difficult situation all round!