Upset about DH going back to 'work' and wasting money, really can't cope

FBaby

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Whilst I appreciate that you want and need your husband's support at this time, I do hope that you are also offering your support to him.

You have both lost a child.

That's very true, but it is quite common that men find it much more difficult to discuss their emotional pain with those directly involved and sometimes rather confine to someone external or not at all (that would be my partner!). In that case, the best support you can provide is to give them space and not pester and nag for them to open up.

sassyblue

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Whilst I appreciate that you want and need your husband's support at this time, I do hope that you are also offering your support to him.

You have both lost a child.

Appalling. Why didn't you say 'are you offering' rather than 'l do hope' like some schoolmistress?

Have you actually read the OP??

Oldernotwiser

sassyblue wrote: »

Appalling. Why didn't you say 'are you offering' rather than 'l do hope' like some schoolmistress?

Have you actually read the OP??

Someone got out of the wrong side of bed this morning!

I don't think that your trouble making is likely to be helping the OP very much, do you? If you want a row, pm me; this thread is not the place for it.

Bumpmakesfour

Oh sweetheart I just wish I could give you a huge hug because it sure sounds like you need one
It's a really hard situation to judge because I know people deal with grief in very different ways and this cold approach may be your partners "way".Thing is though,reading your other posts,it seems that there were problems before the awful loss of your daughter and him being so totally insensitive now must be such a kick in the teeth for you.
I really hope you have somebody nearby to support you through this and offload to or if not you have contacted some of the associations suggested in this thread.Look after yourself hun and keep posting if it helps you xxxx

paddy's_mum

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Perhaps his mother might be able to talk some sense into his head.

I'm so sorry that I blurted this out without first checking.

I've just gone back through your previous posts and found the one from June 3rd where you tell us that your husband has lied to his parents about you and that they believe him to be still married to an ex-wife and don't even know about their grandchild/ren.

For once, I'm rendered almost speechless and can now do no more than urge you, as others have done, to seek support and/or counselling to help you through this. My personal feeling is that you actually need to speak to a damn good solicitor.

I wish you every bit of luck in the world and I shall be thinking of you in the coming days.

Tiddlywinks

OP - My heart really does go out to you and your family - the worst thing that anyone can ever experience is the loss of a child.

I've noticed that the tone of your posts has changed since your first thread and your pain is really screaming through now - please, please speak to a support group or your GP to help you through this.

stayingupright wrote: »

He has suggested that DD1 and I go with him (they have a section there for mothers and children)

What your OH suggested and what he intended to mean may be two different things. I bet he's really worried about you not wanting to go out. He may well think that it will "do you good" and his intentions may actually be very caring.

He's also taking all our baby's nappies with him, as he said there are poor single mothers out there, who are disadvantaged and need them... which makes me feel so evil, as I want OUR baby to be in them, and giving them to others does NOT seem like a philanthropic action to me. I'm so upset that others have healthy newborns and cannot, or will not, buy nappies for them, yet I was ready with loads.

He may just be trying to get some good to come from a really bad time - maybe it helps him to make sense of it all? You have lost you baby and others still have their own to love and care for and that might make you angry right now as you understandably just want what they have - these feelings are natural but you need to get them out in the open and speak to someone about the way you feel.

............I know I'm evil, but I just don't get much comfort, not when I just want my baby, DH may feel comforted by helping others, but it doesn't comfort me, when I all have of my daugther is some photos, some clothes she wore & a grave to visit

Your OH is trying to cope in the only way he knows how as are you - the danger is that you are moving apart from one another because you each are unable to help the other.

balletshoes wrote: »

OP I'm so so sorry about your loss.

I've read your previous threads, and I don't honestly understand why you are still with your husband. I think you need some professional grief counselling.

Please don't listen to this kind of advice - grief is a powerful emotion plus you have a lot of hormones buzzing around as well. Take your time to deal with everything and remember that you seemed happy enough with you OH before your loss.

You are living a nightmare and so is your husband - you have both lost a child and your future together as a family has changed forever.

Your husband has watched you suffer during the birth and would have been scared witless at the thought he might lose you both and may even now be terrified to face the loss and be just unable to give you the support you need. That doesn't make him bad - it just makes him human.

People grieve in different ways - please get some counselling as a couple as you are still a family and your little one needs you. It would be an absolute tragedy if this sad loss destroyed your relationship as well.

paddy's_mum

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Comment 1. remember that you seemed happy enough with you OH before your loss.


Comment 2. please get some counselling as a couple as you are still a family and your little one needs you. It would be an absolute tragedy if this sad loss destroyed your relationship as well.

1. Sadly, I don't think this is the case and it may be past resentment and current fear that is fanning the flames of this headlong rush into disaster.

2. Totally agree.

Bufger

I'll give my opinion to you straight from a mans perspective. It may not be what you want to read and of course it may not be fact but heres what i percieve from the information you have given.

Ex 'friends with benefits' never actually becomes an ex. When he 'likes helping people out' it sounds like a very weak excuse to cut a tie to a sexual partner. If you're not happy with it then he needs to stop seeing her or you as it cant and wont work (unless you and her get on well together).

He is acting independently with your money (joint or just yours its the same). Thats not something you should accept. All big purchases with your money must be agreed with you, if he then acts outside of that then he has misplaced your trust.

To be perfectly honest he sounds like a selfish twt that doesnt care much about your feelings. if he did he wouldnt see this other girl and he wouldnt spend money behind your back. Get him in line or get him gone.

So sorry about your loss. Keep as many precious memories of her as you possibly can as you will treasure every single one of them as time passes.

BugglyB

OP I feel for you at the moment.

Do you have anyone else you can turn to for support? A friend, or female relative? Do you have anyone you can go away to who will take care of DD for a few days while you rest? You sound close to breaking point.

I hope you find some peace x

maidincornwall

I feel for you both what a dreadful experience you have had, when I have had bad times in the past (although not as distressing as your situation) I have found that writing on forums helps me to get things out of my head and sort my feelings out a little by seeing them 'on paper' also I find it a good way of saying what I need to say and the things I could nt possibly tell anyone else, I hope this forum gives you lots of support and if it helps keep writing