Upset about DH going back to 'work' and wasting money, really can't cope

CH27

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
Grief comes in many shapes & sizes & affects everyone differently.

claire16c

You are in no way evil. Please dont think like that. I agree with DSM. I think you need to sit your partner down and have a serious talk with him.

I would not want to go to somewhere like that if i was in your position either.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

stayingupright wrote: »

... I really cannot cope with people saying things such as "it's God's will" as I think I may acutally want to punch them...

Me too.

But there may be women (and men) there who do understand in a way your OH quite obviously doesn't. And you need something - whether it is someone to acknowledge your pain in the way he isn't, even if it turns out that someone has a quiet word with your OH to put him straight about wallowing (how offensive a term is that?), or is just there for you to cry openly, in public, without fear of being told off for it, as I'll bet he wouldn't have a go at you in front of them.

stayingupright wrote: »

I know I'm evil,

No you aren't.

Mupette

stayingupright wrote: »

I posted on here last week about the loss of our baby, and that DH wanted to get rid of her stuff. So far he's just got rid of the double buggy (which I was sad, but OK about), though I bought it & he's kept the money... which I wouldn't have minded - but - he chooses what to buy.

Since last week he has bought - a new three piece suite (our old one was falling apart, and DH was worried that DD1 would get hurt by nails). Then a new stereo, then asked my opinion on a new tv, which I said no to, as we *don't* need one. Last night he admitted that he has bought one, and I just can't cope with it. He decides on all financial matters, and we can't afford what we have, let alone squandering more money, and I just can't cope with the stress of money problems, on top of the grief we're going through.

I also feel so disrespected that we 'discussed' it, and I asked him to wait a while (considering he'd just bought the suite, the stereo, and paid a years car tax - all in one week), and then he just went ahead and bought it anyway.

Then there's the issue of work. DH volunteers at a charity one day a week (he works from home so he's here the rest of the time).

He works with an ex 'friends with benefits', who wanted more, and I've always been insecure about their relationship. She does get him to 'help' her out a lot, and I have minded, but not said anything, as it causes arguments, and DH says that he 'likes' helping people out.

The place has bad conotations for me at the moment too. We had an antenatal appointment scheduled, which DH kicked up a fuss, as it coincided with his day (though he could have changed days), so they changed my appointment, and I will *never* know if our baby could have been saved if we'd attended the appointment, as it was possible she could have been in distress then.

I'm also still recovering from the operation. I had laboured, then had an emergency caesarean, which went wrong, and I had three cuts on my uterus, the top of it tore, and I haemorrhaged badly. I've coped well, but still cannot lift DD1, so need help with her.

I also want DH with me for emotional support. He doesn't *have* to go there, they're not expecting him, he doesn't get paid, yet he wants to go. He said we need to 'move on', and accuses me of 'wallowing' in grief. He thinks I should be back to normal, and wants to go there to see his female 'friend'.

I just don't know how to cope with it. If I cry he *never* puts his arm around me (which he did to start with - and I thought we were really close), he's angry that I'm not interested in making the house look nice. I don't want to see friends, I get panciky if I go out, I feel sick, shaky etc.

I just don't get it. I feel so upset when I remember how he likes helping his friend, and know that I'll go ballistic if he ever tries to help with her problems again - after all we've lost and buried our CHILD, and I feel abandoned by him, and I'm his wife!

I just miss my little girl so much. I feel empty, I'm still producing milk, and he wants to move forward and is wasting money.

He's also refused to ever have another baby with me. I don't even know if I can get pregnant again, and I don't want to replace my baby, but I feel so empty - she should be here, we *should* have another baby... I feel so confused and alone

I think this is your hubbys way of dealing with the loss, you both need to sit down and get it all out.

Don't force a baby on him, its still too raw for either of you, concentrate on the LO you do have and treasure her

paddy's_mum

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

you should be coming first, not the bloody church!

If I could give this comment a thousand thanks, I would.

OP - your husband wants his !!!! kicking and I'm happy to volunteer. He may be suffering grief but your body is suffering from the aftermath of a massive physical shock, and that's as well as the bereavement, the emotional devastation, and the wondering why. If you'd been pulled from a car wreck, seriously injured, just a few days ago, would this insensitive clod still be virtually demanding that you pull yourself together?

I daresay others will (quite rightly) accuse me of being judgemental and only knowing one side but your husband needs to think about the justice in the phrase 'charity begins at home'. Perhaps his mother might be able to talk some sense into his head.

Good luck.

sassyblue

I'm so sorry OP that you have had to suffer the loss of your baby so tragically, l wish l could make everything better for you too.

As for hubby, and l'm sorry to tell you this... but l think he's an insensitive pig, it may be his way of dealing with grief but he should be trying to comfort you aswell. I can understand him wanting to take charge to help you but he isn't doing that either by the sounds of it.

You need to sit him down and get it through to him, before he loses you as l can see nothing but resentment growing within you if not. Totally his doing too!

In the meantime ring some helplines, CRUISE and SANDS.

As for peoples comments, l'm sure they don't mean any harm but they do not know how to talk to you if they have not suffered similar themselves.

paddy's_mum

Another little thought just popped into my head.

If your husband doesn't wind his neck in and display some compassion, he's very shortly going to be a single man himself!

Oldernotwiser

Whilst I appreciate that you want and need your husband's support at this time, I do hope that you are also offering your support to him.

You have both lost a child.

whitewing

stayingupright wrote: »

[QUOTE=whitewing;48895191

Sorry to be dim whitewing - but when you say "Not saying he will have an affair" do you think it's a possiblity? Sorry just very anxious and not able to think straight x

No, not really. But he may be talking to someone other than you about the baby and his thoughts - not necessarily his feelings - and it may feel that he is too close to someone else.

I don't think it is worth you worrying at all about this, but I do think you need some support from a health visitor, counsellor, helpline or something to keep proper perspective on things and to help you grieve.

balletshoes

OP I'm so so sorry about your loss.

I've read your previous threads, and I don't honestly understand why you are still with your husband. I think you need some professional grief counselling.