Upset about DH going back to 'work' and wasting money, really can't cope

stayingupright

I posted on here last week about the loss of our baby, and that DH wanted to get rid of her stuff. So far he's just got rid of the double buggy (which I was sad, but OK about), though I bought it & he's kept the money... which I wouldn't have minded - but - he chooses what to buy.

Since last week he has bought - a new three piece suite (our old one was falling apart, and DH was worried that DD1 would get hurt by nails). Then a new stereo, then asked my opinion on a new tv, which I said no to, as we *don't* need one. Last night he admitted that he has bought one, and I just can't cope with it. He decides on all financial matters, and we can't afford what we have, let alone squandering more money, and I just can't cope with the stress of money problems, on top of the grief we're going through.

I also feel so disrespected that we 'discussed' it, and I asked him to wait a while (considering he'd just bought the suite, the stereo, and paid a years car tax - all in one week), and then he just went ahead and bought it anyway.

Then there's the issue of work. DH volunteers at a charity one day a week (he works from home so he's here the rest of the time).

He works with an ex 'friends with benefits', who wanted more, and I've always been insecure about their relationship. She does get him to 'help' her out a lot, and I have minded, but not said anything, as it causes arguments, and DH says that he 'likes' helping people out.

The place has bad conotations for me at the moment too. We had an antenatal appointment scheduled, which DH kicked up a fuss, as it coincided with his day (though he could have changed days), so they changed my appointment, and I will *never* know if our baby could have been saved if we'd attended the appointment, as it was possible she could have been in distress then.

I'm also still recovering from the operation. I had laboured, then had an emergency caesarean, which went wrong, and I had three cuts on my uterus, the top of it tore, and I haemorrhaged badly. I've coped well, but still cannot lift DD1, so need help with her.

I also want DH with me for emotional support. He doesn't *have* to go there, they're not expecting him, he doesn't get paid, yet he wants to go. He said we need to 'move on', and accuses me of 'wallowing' in grief. He thinks I should be back to normal, and wants to go there to see his female 'friend'.

I just don't know how to cope with it. If I cry he *never* puts his arm around me (which he did to start with - and I thought we were really close), he's angry that I'm not interested in making the house look nice. I don't want to see friends, I get panciky if I go out, I feel sick, shaky etc.

I just don't get it. I feel so upset when I remember how he likes helping his friend, and know that I'll go ballistic if he ever tries to help with her problems again - after all we've lost and buried our CHILD, and I feel abandoned by him, and I'm his wife!

I just miss my little girl so much. I feel empty, I'm still producing milk, and he wants to move forward and is wasting money.

He's also refused to ever have another baby with me. I don't even know if I can get pregnant again, and I don't want to replace my baby, but I feel so empty - she should be here, we *should* have another baby... I feel so confused and alone

dirtysexymonkey

op im so sorry for your loss.

only youll be able to tell this but either your oh is an insensitive waste of space, or hes found his own of grieving. if its the latter then i think you need to have a serious and frank talk, and if its the former i think you should consider whether you want to be with such a man.

but whatever you do please take care of yourself and only make a decision when youre ready to make it.

cobbingstones

Hi

How I wish I had a wand to make your pain go away.

We all deal with loss differently, some eat, some stop eating, some need to talk and reach out to others, some just need to be alone etc etc some spend. Your husband is dealing with his loss differently to you, I know its not what is needed, but I can understand the need to try and make yourself feel that little bit better with the feeling of buying something new, even if its just five minutes away from the pain.

please try and understand that we all grieve in different ways. I know you need more from him at this very difficult and raw time, but he's chosen to take the escapism route. Maybe he just doesn't have the tools to be able to talk about how he feels? Maybe he can't bear you in such pain and just needs to go out?

Please contact SANDS and CRUISE there support at this time would help so much.

Wishing you both so much over this dreadful period.

jjblondie

Totally agree with the above. I don't know how you are coping at all OP - I'd have gone mad about all of the other stuff even without losing a precious baby. I hope he sees sense soon.

whitewing

Spending money like your husband is doing seems likely to me to be his reaction to the grief, and you obviously are having an extremely hard time.

I can understand that he wants to go to the charity, but I do think it could take your marriage beyond the point of no return. (Not saying he will have an affair - just that he may be so insensitive that you end up rowing constantly and then splitting up).

Have you got counselling or someone to talk to outside of people who know you both? I don't think you should do anything without talking things thro with someone neutral.

I hope that things get a little easier for you all soon.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

op im so sorry for your loss.

only youll be able to tell this but either your oh is an insensitive waste of space, or hes found his own of grieving. if its the latter then i think you need to have a serious and frank talk, and if its the former i think you should consider whether you want to be with such a man.

but whatever you do please take care of yourself and only make a decision when youre ready to make it.

That is the nicest and most accurate post I have ever read from you. And I agree with you totally.

emsywoo123

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

op im so sorry for your loss.

only youll be able to tell this but either your oh is an insensitive waste of space, or hes found his own of grieving. if its the latter then i think you need to have a serious and frank talk, and if its the former i think you should consider whether you want to be with such a man.

but whatever you do please take care of yourself and only make a decision when youre ready to make it.

Agreeing with JoJo, I do not think I have ever read such a sensitive and accurate post from you! I agree 100%.

StayingUpright I am so sorry for your loss. You are really not wallowing at all xxxx

FBaby

My heart goes to you, what a dreadful time for you, and not having your OH support when you needed most... Wish I could give you a big hug... Unfortunately, it looks like your OH is grieving very differently to you. In your case, you need to shut yourself away, face the pain before you can trully move on. Your partner is taking the active mode, making himself get on with life in the hope that this will take the pain away. There probably isn't a best or worse way, it is what suits, the problem is that your OH seems intolerant of your way to face the grief. He needs to respect that you are not prepared to move on yet, that you need to let all the pain out before you do and need his support to get through it. He needs to trust that giving his support doesn't mean you will remain an outcast but will indeed allow you to reach the other side quicker.

As for this colleague, poor you, the last thing you need is being concern about what is going on with her. I assume he has built some sort of friendship with her that he relies on during these difficult times. If she is trully acting as a friend, I would say that it could be a good thing that he is confiding in someone else, the problem is if indeed she still has feelings for him, then clearly she is not the appropriate person to go to.

I would say that in light of both of you being in a vulnerable situation, i would try as much as you can not to expect too much of his support for the time being. If he is unfortunately not going to offer it, asking or worse begging for it will only make things worse. Try to focus on yourself, do what is right for you to do whatever his attitude is. Try to communicate with him but don't insist if he closes the door.

In the end, the only thing that will makes better for both of you is time. Embrass it, the pain will gradully subside. Having counselling during that time is definitely the best thing you can do for yourself.

stayingupright

Thank you all.

He has suggested that DD1 and I go with him (they have a section there for mothers and children), but I 1) don't want to go out & socialise at the moment, 2) it's a church thing, and I really cannot cope with people saying things such as "it's God's will" as I think I may acutally want to punch them (and I'm the least assertive person you could meet), 3) going somewhere where there may be people with newborns is just too much.

He's also taking all our baby's nappies with him, as he said there are poor single mothers out there, who are disadvantaged and need them... which makes me feel so evil, as I want OUR baby to be in them, and giving them to others does NOT seem like a philanthropic action to me. I'm so upset that others have healthy newborns and cannot, or will not, buy nappies for them, yet I was ready with loads. I do know that people fall on hard times, and can lose jobs, but he's talks about single mothers, and I was one, and was on benefits when he was first born, and still bought nappies. I know I'm evil, but I just don't get much comfort, not when I just want my baby, DH may feel comforted by helping others, but it doesn't comfort me, when I all have of my daugther is some photos, some clothes she wore & a grave to visit

stayingupright

[QUOTE=whitewing;48895191
I can understand that he wants to go to the charity, but I do think it could take your marriage beyond the point of no return. (Not saying he will have an affair - just that he may be so insensitive that you end up rowing constantly and then splitting up).

Sorry to be dim whitewing - but when you say "Not saying he will have an affair" do you think it's a possiblity? Sorry just very anxious and not able to think straight x

dirtysexymonkey

stayingupright wrote: »

Thank you all.

He has suggested that DD1 and I go with him (they have a section there for mothers and children), but I 1) don't want to go out & socialise at the moment, 2) it's a church thing, and I really cannot cope with people saying things such as "it's God's will" as I think I may acutally want to punch them (and I'm the least assertive person you could meet), 3) going somewhere where there may be people with newborns is just too much.

He's also taking all our baby's nappies with him, as he said there are poor single mothers out there, who are disadvantaged and need them... which makes me feel so evil, as I want OUR baby to be in them, and giving them to others does NOT seem like a philanthropic action to me. I'm so upset that others have healthy newborns and cannot, or will not, buy nappies for them, yet I was ready with loads. I do know that people fall on hard times, and can lose jobs, but he's talks about single mothers, and I was one, and was on benefits when he was first born, and still bought nappies. I know I'm evil, but I just don't get much comfort, not when I just want my baby, DH may feel comforted by helping others, but it doesn't comfort me, when I all have of my daugther is some photos, some clothes she wore & a grave to visit

you are NOT evil. you are bereaved. dont let anyone force you into doing anything your not ready to do and if you want to keep hold of those nappies then you keep hold of them. you are not evil for grieving.

tell your oh that if hes that bothered he can flog the new tv and give the proceeds to single mothers. please take the advice of other posters and phone the helplines if you feel the need to talk to someone. you should be coming first, not the bloody church!