Is it possible to learn to be positive..?

Starrystarrynight

OP, you sound like a very thoughtful person, recognising things in yourself, and I think you're very brave in posting. You put your feelings across clearly and concisely, not in a self pitying way. You have a lot going for you, but I appreciate it's hard to see those things and that the bad stuff always seems to be at the forefront of our thoughts.

I think life is a mix of positive and negative and that it's not natural to be permanently positive. I found it helpful to keep a diary, noting down anything positive, compliments or anything that just made me smile in the course of the day. I guess it just helped me focus on the good things, no matter how small, and not dwell so much on the rest.

dancingfairy

The Luck Factor is well worth reading - all about how people make their own luck (or not) and if I remember rightly has exercises and practical suggestions as well.
Also Mind do a book called manage your mind (it's a biiiig book - it has lots in it) which has lots of help and advice.
Best of Luck
df

victory

Yes you can train yourself to be positive, the idea that you can positive 100% of the time cheery, cheery every day, with a huge big smile on your face is absolutely false, it does not happen, it can't be kept up and is too hard but....

Cognitive behaviour theraphy says for every negative thought that comes brush it off with two positives, write lists of the positives, keep fighting to get the negatives to not be so vocal and keep pushing the positives to the front.

Some people yes are born that way, chirpy, chirpy, others have to work at it but it can be done:D

rachelhen

I consider myself a positive person and have bounced back from many things but sometimes it is hard to keep it up. I suppose what I am saying is that however positive someone naturally is sometimes environmental events can knock you for six.

meritaten

heuchera - sounds to me like you tried to go against nature with what you said. you 'followed the herd' and did you realise at the time it wasnt for you? Or is it on looking back you realised that you were not 'cut out' for uni or grotflat life abroad?

I wouldnt expect you to 'fake it' 100% of the time! no-one can! but, if you feel the situation calls for it - then try it. see how it fits - you dont have to be the life and soul of the party and get up and dance on tables! just paste a smile on, think happy thoughts ........... I find that the best way of getting people to like you and THINK you are friendly outgoing etc- is to get them to talk about THEMSELVES! just train your eyes not to glaze over while they are doing so - and you will have everyone convinced!

meritaten

some ideas for raising your spirits.........
stop watching the news! That may be depressing you without you realising it! just watch the headlines if you must!
once a day put on a dance party cd and dance yourself silly! good exercise and dancing releases 'feel good' endorphins!
also once a day - watch (or read) something that makes you laugh! for me it would be old 'Two Ronnies' or 'Only Fools and Horses', that always makes me laugh out loud!
James Herriots 'Vet' books are hysterically funny - so much so that my OH banned me from reading them in bed cos I laughed so much!
Allow yourself one 'treat' a day! it may be something really simple (like a bubble bath with your fave bubbles - or something a bit naughty - that cream cake in the bakers window you resisted for weeks!
Revisit your childhood 'happy memories' - I cannot go to a local beach without thinking of happy days spent there! plus, its beautiful and always makes me feel good.
seek out beauty - visit local beauty spots - visit art galleries, museums etc.
Happiness is a state of mind at the end of the day - you cannot buy it - but you CAN acquire it!

Mayflower10cat

Dear Heuchera (great ID by the way!)

Being positive in life, or seeing the cup as being half full, is very much a mindset, I believe. It's not about being falsely cheerful or annoyingly bright and breezy which, apart from being a nightmare to keep up and your friends wanting to gag you, has no basis in reality. It is also about being honestly thankful, every single day, that you are alive, healthy and have decent quality teabags in the caddy. That you have survived life thus far whatever storms you've had to weather. It's also about an inner calmness and acceptance of who/what you really are and I suppose, an honest approach to life. You can't 'be' anyone else but yourself and I'm sure you know of friends and acquaintances who always seem to be acting a part and never really themselves? Why do they do that? Probably because they feel unworthy or unsatisfied and stick a mask on to hide their perceived inadequecies. Once you start to realise that all around you are individuals that deep down aren't happy with their lot, even people that on the surface seem to be successful/beautiful/confident, it's a bit of an eye-opener. I'd always considered myself to be a 'shy' person - I could never be the life and soul of the karaoke party or address a roomful of strangers with witty banter - but when I started to meet other, mostly elderly women, helping out with the village fete and the church bazaar and various fundraisers I realised that far from being the shrinking violet I'd always assumed I came across as, these quietly spoken ladies perceived me as self confident, funny and competent. It's a point of view thing. But it did show me that simply being 'yourself' and connecting with people in a genuine way, despite worrying about lacking in confidence or positivity, really is the way forward.

Practising thankfulness and appreciation of all you have is a good discipline. More and more I find that seemingly happy people have had to overcome hardships, tragic bereavements and terrible illnesses which come as shocking reminders that no-ones life is perfect or charmed. There is always, always someone worse off than you, truly. And by looking at your own life and the blessings you have, (your pets, your health, your naturally straight teeth and big smile) and appreciating simple pleasures like a nice piece of buttery toast after an autumnal walk, you can re-train your mindset to appreciate and relish the good things in life. The inner contentment you begin to feel will start to show outwardly. Make peace with yourself and enjoy living. Simple things, small steps, look forward not back.

Please let us know how you get on in the next few months and if any insights strike you about living positively, and do share them with us.

rinabean

It seems like you're conflating two things. You don't have to be a people person, or particularly cheerful, gregarious or optimistic. Those are all entirely optional. Lacking self-confidence and feeling too shy to get on with life is an actual problem, though. The goal isn't to change who you are, it's to be happier! It's not easy to become more confident, but it's less work than a total personality 180°. And if it's something you want, it becomes easier to work towards it. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be an introvert. For someone who is an introvert, it's probably the first step to self-acceptance.

I can't tell you that I know things get better and these things straighten themselves out eventually because I don't. Honestly, you sound a lot like me - a slightly older and much more successful me (but my parents were worse than yours and, accordingly, I didn't manage to even get to the year abroad before my total nervous breakdown!)

I find it's easier to be cruel to yourself than to other people. I don't think you would see a friend or even a stranger who was in the same position as you as "a total and utter failure at life", would you? So try and see yourself - and then treat yourself - as a friend and not a big fat stupid failure who's following you around and ruining everything.

actonbell

After having read all these posts, I just have to mention a brilliant book I've read called "Smile or Die: How positive thinking fooled America and the World" by Barbara Ehrenreich. It's about the bad science / false assumptions around the idea of "positivity" versus "negativity" (for example, the idea that you "attract" negative things through a negative attitude, and that you attract positive things through a positive one - also the idea that you have to effectively police yourself by constantly replacing negative thoughts with positive ones). I have faced similar issues to you and I personally found this book life changing - if for no other reason than I've started to close my ears to a lot of the currently fashionable ideas about "attitude" and "mindset" that only served to confuse me and make me feel worse for failing to be positive.

If you do find some of the advice on here helpful, great - but you really don't have to set about changing your state of mind if that doesn't feel appropriate to you. Maybe your mindset isn't the problem. Maybe you just have some recovering to do and you need to spend some time being exactly how you are!

jayII

Yes it's possible. I have a very similar personality to yours (as you describe it) and a lot of the issues you decide, such as extreme shyness and low self esteem, strike cords in me, but people describe me as 'happy and friendly'.

Many years ago, after looking at and disliking the negativity of my family, I decided that I wanted to be a more optimistic and positive person. I started by simply pasting a smile on and trying to 'catch' my negative thoughts, feelings, etc and turn them around. There is a lot of truth in the saying that smiling makes you feel happier, and it helped for me.

I still struggle socially because I am just so awkward and shy, but people don't usually notice it very much, and it is a work in progress. I've also made a load of stupid, some might say poor, decisions. But I am trying to see the positive sides to them and use them as learning curves to move on from, and hopefully make better decisions in the future. You will have your own dragons to battle, but positivity is definitely within your grasp.