Is it possible to learn to be positive..?

Lara44

Have you thought of a personal development course like Springboard? I share some of the same feelings as you - always feeling a bit unworthy about my own achievements. I have just started a Springboard course and it's been quite interesting so far. I liked thinking about my values - those really core things that mean so much in my life. I have been realising that a lot of the things I criticise myself for are not that relevant to my core values. We do take in a lot of cultural cues about what we 'should' be doing from others and the media. It is so helpful to see how those contradict wildly and to iron out the ones that actually are important to you to move towards.

It sounds like you need to learn to value yourself, more than learning to be 'positive'. Each being in this world is special and has their own unique value. I used to criticise myself if I struggled with something and think I had 'failed' because it wasn't easy. Now I congratulate myself for getting through it - for managing things even though it felt so difficult. Sometimes not giving up in trying circumstances is the most wonderful achievement. It says so much more about a person to have experienced adversity and got through it, than some sort of robot who just sails through everything. It sounds like you got through a very difficult time at Uni and beyond. Be proud!

Hermia

dancingfairy wrote: »

The Luck Factor is well worth reading - all about how people make their own luck (or not) and if I remember rightly has exercises and practical suggestions as well.
df

Yes, that book is brilliant. The bit about the parcel experiment is so eye-opening.

I find surrounding yourself with postive people really helps. I used to work in an office with a bunch of moaners (a lot of them thought it was cool and edgy to be negative) and I really found myself becoming like them after a while. Then I left that job and at the same time joined this craft/creativity group. It was full of positive people who actually strived to achieve what they wanted instead of sitting around moaning about it. Their attitude was infectious especially when I saw what they had achieved.

I don't think it is normal or healthy to always be 100% positive (especially as life is so difficult sometimes) so I strive for being postive, but realistic at the same time.

pandora205

There is a lot of useful advice in Positive Psychology research. Some posters may recall that some of this was put into practice in Making Slough Happy programme. Here were the measures used:

1. Plant something and nurture it
2. Count your blessings – at least 5 – at the end of the day
3. Take time to talk – have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each week
4. Phone a friend whom you have not spoken to for a while and arrange to meet up
5. Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it
6. Have a good laugh at least once a day
7. Get physical – exercise for half an hour three times a week
8. Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once a day
9. Cut your TV viewing in half
10. Spread some kindness – do a good turn for someone every day

An interesting book on the topic is Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project, where she puts into action all the research she read on the topic one month at a time.

http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/

Heuchera_2

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas, everyone. I'm going to save this thread and look through the suggestions.

I guess we all need to 'act' a bit to get through life (!) but deep down I do need to learn to accept myself and be myself a bit more.

Regarding watching tv/the news, I tend not to do that, especially later on in the evening, as it seems to take me a while to process stuff..

@actonbell I had another book by Barbara Ehrenreich called Bait and Switch but I haven't read the one you refer to. I've heard her being interviewed and find her quite an astute observer of American society (and probably western society in general)

Bufger

Heuchera wrote: »

Thankyou for your replies. I’ve found that writing things down helps a bit. (I should say my writing is far better than my verbal communication!) I won’t go into everything here, as that would make a very long post, but I’m finding I can only look back and see how unsuccessful and unwise I have been. I can’t think of anything in my life I can feel proud of or pleased about, really.

Just to give you an idea:

Got my act together and went to uni, as you’re ‘supposed’ to do.. only to find I didn’t get on well there, socially (though I loved the studies). I found the environment cold and the people unfriendly, and I guess it didn’t help that I’m a bit of a loner and struggle socially anyway!

I started to suffer anxiety and panic attacks.

Decided to go to an eastern European city for the compulsory ‘year abroad’.. bad mistake – I can look back and laugh now, a few years on, but the flat was an absolute grot-hole, the natives hated English people, I knew no-one.. for a year :eek: and was struggling with nervous illness still.

Got together with then-boyfriend, who was one of my housemates at the time.. graduated and moved to an area where unbeknown to us there were very few job opportunities and any work available was low-paid, while the rents were sky-high. Not clever.

Then-boyf got ill with psychotic illness just a few months after I’d graduated and we’d moved in together and was no longer able to work.

I sometimes think "you couldn't make it up..". There are other things.. a bit heavy, perhaps, which I won’t go into now, but you do start to wonder “is it me?” I want to move on, but I think that until I manage to get out of this mindset I am likely to just attract more of the same..

It sounds to me that you've always done things that would be expected of you rather than things you've actually wanted to do. Yes its the norm to go school, A levels then uni, have a gap year, find a boy and settle down... is that really who you are? What made you choose that route? why didnt you do an apprenticeship or go straight into paid work, settle down with a girl and go clubbing every night? we tend to do what we think we're expected to do. True happiness comes when you're doing exactly what you want.

Then once you've done that you'll settle down happilly, the start to comprimise because others have to be happy too. Then eventually your wife will suck the living soul out of you and you'll become a husk of a man typing on some random website during work hours..... (only joking on that bit, im still happy - just get very distracted!)

Heres a method i use when im feeling rubbish. I'll make some selfish time in the near future and i'll look forward to it and ensure it happens. This can be a big night out or something as little as a movie night to myself so i can watch stupid movies like Waterboy that my wife usually hates. I set loads of these up throughout the month so ive always got something good coming up then no matter how crap work gets i can look forward to my selfish time.

lizzie157

I'm trying to be more positive so was very interested in this post.
am going for CBT starting next week and together with trying to stop beating myself up about everything i'm hoping to make some changes in my life- slowly but surely i'm hoping by this time next year to feel better about myself. i need to get balance of being selfish and not rather than always looking to please everyone else and neglecting my own needs.

RAS

Hi

Your posts chime with me.

A couple of really simple pointers.

1. There is a long thread on Money Saving Old Style called 5 good things that happened today. You list your 5 good things for today. This forces your to look for and acknowledge the good things happening in your life, even if it is the welsh poppy flowering in late November or the kids going to scholl without a fight.

2. Your first post advises that you were not abused personally but experienced DV in your early years; that may well affect your ability to identify good relationship material as an adult. I also think that for some people who had to live in unsafe environments as a child find it hard to identify potentially unsafe environments when they get older because that was the norm for much of their childhood? You may need to work on those factors.

3. Your second post reveals how much you are looking back rahter then living now or looking forward. You may find it useful to read about NLP and something called Timeline. The way we order time affects how we behave; those who "put it all behind them" may struggle to learn lessons from their past whilst those whose past is in front of them may find it hard to see the future.

One little exercise you might like to play with is this:

Right down your age on pieces of paper from birth to about 10, then every few years. For each year write down aty least one good thing that happened. It does not matter if it is something you remember or were told or how small the event is.

Then put them on the floor in a row in sequence. Go to the earliest "memory and stand before of it, then stand on each memory in turn and recall it as strongly as you can, what you saw, felt, heard, smelt and any taste. When that is strong, move to the next memory doing the same thing until you are at the present day and step off. You could finish off by going back to the beginning and stepping from memory to memory really quickly.

DUKE

You learned to be negative so you can learn to be positive. Although some days we all (well most of us I think) have black dog days.