Is it possible to learn to be positive..?

Heuchera_2

Long-time lurker here, and wondered if you have any thoughts or ideas. Is it possible to learn to be positive? Or is it just a matter of luck if you happen to to be born with a cheerful, optimistic sort of nature.:D (By ‘positive’ I don’t mean false smiles and keeping up appearances, - the kind of ‘forced upbeatness’ that gets promoted a lot these days!). It’s just that I have come to see myself as a total and utter failure at life. I am always brassic, and things don’t interest me much anymore. I cannot tolerate pressure or stress at all, and I seem to have just retreated from the world! And, strangely, part of me likes it this way.

I have always suffered from very low self-esteem and low confidence. Others are always superior to me, in my mind. I am painfully and stupidly shy and in recent years have suffered (and still suffer) nervous illness and anxiety disorder. There were things that went on in my childhood (I was not abused/neglected, but I did experience DV in very early childhood, then difficult relationship with step-parent etc) which may have played a part in this. Then my adulthood, as far as I can see it, has been a series of bad decisions, unfortunate events and unwise moves, one after another. It’s not as though it’s just one thing.

I guess it doesn’t help that others around me (family, etc) seem to have ‘done everything right’ (in other words have gone about things the conventional way, and done well for themselves). Or perhaps there is just too much pressure on us all to be ‘perfect’?

HeatherH

Sorry, couldn't read and run, but google cognitive behavioural therapy x

Sooki

Yes it is possible to become more positive, and I admire you for talking about it, It's a really brave thing to do.

I think it's a subconcious protection mechanism to be negative sadly it's habit forming and can be a hard cycle to break, same as always being too positive doesn't always help either. your not on your own it's actually quite shocking how many people suffer in silence.
I've found some of the Andrew Johnson self help apps have had real benefit for me if nothing else most of them make you go to sleep, there are some helpful books about too.

McKneff

Well here's a start.

I found your post interesting, it was well thought out, well written, grammar, punctuation = perfect.

You've got to feel good about being as articulate as you are. And if you arent, you should.

Some Presidents wife said once 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'

Good luck

Dee123_2

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Ada_Doom

That is a really interesting post. I always tended to be a glass half empty kinda gal, something I learned from my mother. But as I've got older I have become more positive, and it's something I have worked on. If something happens that may send me off on a path of negativity I try and step back and be mindful. I think, ok I have a choice here, I can let this drag me down or I can see it for what it is, maybe a small setback or something I have no control over and just try to let it wash over me.

Another thing that helps is counting my blessings. Now I know that sounds really trite, but it works for me. I love the os pleasures thread on here, and I do take geniune pleasure from thngs like a beautiful blue sky, or a nice cup of tea whilst watching the birds.

What i find most interesting about your post is that thing of the expectaion of perfection and happiness that we have these days. I think maybe we put too much pressure on ourselves to be strong, capable people who are always happy. Sometimes I think it is enough just to be, y'know? Good look with what if I was on the X-factor I would call your "journey".

Tiddlywinks

YES - you can learn to be more positive.

All of us have an inner voice that gives us a runnning commentary of our lives and how we are doing. You need to start listening to that inner voice and questioning whether it is supporting or undermining your confidence - that's you starting point.

If your voice says something negative then challenge it - not out loud obviously, or you'll just look batty :rotfl:- but in your head. If it says "don't join in, you'll make a fool of yourself" then think around that attitude - why would you look silly? Why shouldn't you go over and have a chat? What's the worst that can happen?

The best thing to remember is that most of us have our insecurities - it's part of being human but some are better at disguising it than others. You may not feel confident BUT you can try to look confident to fool everyone and pretty soon you might start believing it too.

Someone mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as an option and this really could help you to explore how you feel and react to events in your life but you have to be prepared to really look at yourself and your feelings as part of this process.

jackyann

yea, sadly, experiencing DV 2nd hand can reduce the resilience people have for the knocks in life. Unfair. Your parents didn't mean this to happen.
Totally agree about cognitive behaviour therapy, often available on the NHS - but can be called different things, so find out from your GP what is available, but as Dee points out, you've got to make it work in real life as well.
Have a look at moodgym.au - a site recommended by a lot of psychology professionals, it gives you a bit of an idea; but don't treat anything on the internet as gospel!
You have obviously managed well so far, as pointed out already, and it sounds like you're preparing for the next step.
Be kind and careful with yourself, and good luck!

meritaten

I know you said that the forced cheer is not your style - but there is a very good saying which helped me get over my shyness as a young teen, and thats 'Fake it until you make it'!
What that meant was to 'act' confident and in the end it became like second nature to me! Yes, I still have to steel myself for some situations - but if anyone had told my teenage self that as an adult I would be chairing public meetings - I wouldnt have believed them!!
you can fake it (act) until you make it (it becomes part of your nature), if you want to become that person!

Heuchera_2

Thankyou for your replies. I’ve found that writing things down helps a bit. (I should say my writing is far better than my verbal communication!) I won’t go into everything here, as that would make a very long post, but I’m finding I can only look back and see how unsuccessful and unwise I have been. I can’t think of anything in my life I can feel proud of or pleased about, really.

Just to give you an idea:

Got my act together and went to uni, as you’re ‘supposed’ to do.. only to find I didn’t get on well there, socially (though I loved the studies). I found the environment cold and the people unfriendly, and I guess it didn’t help that I’m a bit of a loner and struggle socially anyway!

I started to suffer anxiety and panic attacks.

Decided to go to an eastern European city for the compulsory ‘year abroad’.. bad mistake – I can look back and laugh now, a few years on, but the flat was an absolute grot-hole, the natives hated English people, I knew no-one.. for a year :eek: and was struggling with nervous illness still.

Got together with then-boyfriend, who was one of my housemates at the time.. graduated and moved to an area where unbeknown to us there were very few job opportunities and any work available was low-paid, while the rents were sky-high. Not clever.

Then-boyf got ill with psychotic illness just a few months after I’d graduated and we’d moved in together and was no longer able to work.

I sometimes think "you couldn't make it up..". There are other things.. a bit heavy, perhaps, which I won’t go into now, but you do start to wonder “is it me?” I want to move on, but I think that until I manage to get out of this mindset I am likely to just attract more of the same..

Heuchera_2

@meritaten, it is an interesting theory, this fake-it-till-you-make-it, but it reminds me of secondary school, where I had to 'put on an act' if you like, in order to cope with the school environment. There comes a time when you can't keep the act up anymore. Or that's what happened with me, anyway