A new 'tougher' thread... and so it continues

salome

We often have toasted sandwiches for dinner on a Sunday. Did yesterday :-) By the time I get back from church it's late and I'm not up for doing a big meal :-) My lot love toasties anyway :-)
Gailey. Please don't worry. I raised 10 children, housework is not my best past time !!!!! and sometimes it was hard, but there comes a point where you have to 'give' When we have small children, we can't be everything to everyone, and we have to prioritise. We are not, and can never be super mums, not unless we end up being a nervous wreck in the process :-) Your children and your husband are the most imprtant at this time, and I'm sure they would prefer to see you happy and relaxed, then to live in a pristine palace, and have you at the end of your tether.
Perhaps with some of the children, when it's tidy up time, you can make it a game, i.e see who can get the most toys back in the box etc. Or 'hide the toy' hide one of the toys, tell the child to find it (if old enough) and put it in the box when found :-) Can your older ones help with washing up, and doing dusting etc???Also, where gifts etc are concerned, you'd be surprised how understanding kids are if we're truthful with them. Many was a time we had to sit with ours and tell them money was in short demand and we simply could not afford certain things for the moment. However, they could earn pennies by being helpful around the house, and perhaps start to save up, and when we could afford to help out we would.
Loved the comment about the teenagers re tidying etc. Sometimes they're worse as teens then they were when they were small lol. Mine are all grown and growing up now. My eldest is 33, youngest 14. I still have 5 at home. All girls. My boys have flown, though not too far away :-) Thankfully my girls are very able, and look after themselves. I have two who are cleanies and clean everything lol (That's a BIG help) and they all do their own washing now. So as time moves on, things shift and we find ourselves in different situations and pressures aren't so bad in some areas.Just some seasons are harder than others, and at the moment Gailey, your season you're in is a difficult one, but it will change.
Do you have any mums and toddler groups, or parent groups etc near you ?? You said about taking up knitting or something, are there any groups that you could join ?? Could you do a deal with another mum at the school you can trust, and ask her to babysit so you and hubbie can have a 'date night' and then you return the favour for her ???? Can you do a rota school run with other parents ?? Could another mum have any non school children if you have any, for a morning, and you have a tidy up, and then you do the same for her on another day ??? If all your darlings are at school, do you have a friend who could be a 'cleaning chum' and the two of you work together on your house one day, and on hers another ???
Just some suggestions, and I hope you don't mind me poking my nose in.
Take care x

gailey_2

Morning guys

feel better for having a sleep hubby gave me lie in and decided to take eldest in at 9.

Im not really houseproud as explained before would rather spend the time with kids and do lot of tidying in evening when they in bed.

My anxiety around other people as get kind of embaressed some days when people come round as looks like I dont do anything when in fcat i have then they remake mess.
My mum and sister are truly horrid about the house.

landlords due round today.
we have 3month inspections where they scrutinise the slightest mark.
house mostly what me and hubby row about.

So im trying to declutter. House not so much dirty.
kids well fed and clean.

just wouldn love days where can see the floor in girls room.
The mess is causing me stress as keep losing things,
Thats why im not prepared to stop battling with it.
dont mind bit of toys thats inevitable.

want to find happy meduim as when house is tidier im happier.

Jackel if we had a dog would not be immediate would be next year some time.
Only thourght to mention it now to landlord as need to renew tenancy and asking for 2years.
Would want baby to be walking before getting a do
Also think 2012 may be hard but by 2013 we may be better off if we careful this year as hubbys commited to finding different job and im hoping to get part time job.

Well rang agents from 9 they just rang back they assured me they send locksmith out today explained got school run laters.

Landlords due round to look at fire.

Hubbys not long left for work hes home at 9 so doing sausage casserole for his tea tonight.

Going to stay positive this week.

bit of update on toxic freind.

she rang last week saying she missed me and wanted to come over for coffee after school run this morning.
Last night when knew hubby would be doing school run posted on her fb im not doing school run but im in will put kettle on.

Half expected hubby might give her a lift.
But she wasent there.
by off chance he chatted to her bloke.
who mentioned that she was sick so he was doing school run.
But if hubby had not spoke to him i be none the wiser:(

Of course she may be genuinally sick but heard so many excuses now im skeptical as seen her tell white lies to other people.

Now wondering if she will do afternoon school run.
right now not sure i can, may have to call in favour from another mummy freind.

Tommorow eldest is doing brekkie club so drop off at 8am and afternoon will send hubby on school run as hes off.
shes in work wed, thur, fri so another week not seeing her.
Think last saw her on the 20th dec and before than was 7th dec nativity and 5th november when I did fireworks and snacks for everyone.

so maybe I shouldent have given 2nd chance.
should have expected it really.
dissapointed but not surprised.
not ringing or texting as shes not given me the respect to do that this morning could have waited in if wasent locked in expecting her round.

hubbys got intervew thur but needs new trousers?
do charity shops often have smart trousers?
I never really look at the menswear section.

Kind of annoyed as only brought him new pair from tesco for christening in august and hes ruined them by wearing them to work and accidentally burnt another fag hole in them. work provides him uniform yet when boss comes in he likes to wear smarter trousers but hes hands on and works in diy he gets filthy!Im sure his scruffy appearance not helping him eldests exactly like him comes out of school with one bunch in and one bunch out!

Baby boys being cute he sits up like a meercat advert gave him banana which hes smeared all over him.
Toddlers amused by mickeys club house.
so perfect time to make a cuppa
get the hoover out!

searched ebay for more cheap storage, possble single wardrobe to make pantry cupboard in halllway would be so exited!
Maybe I need to get out more! But cant until locksmith comes!

greent

jackel wrote: »

Hi Gailey - I endorse what others have said. The house will be there when you arn't anymore but the kids won't be kids for long.Just enjoy them.I didn't as much as I should have done Too busy worrying about keeping the house nice,their clothes spotless and generally worrying what other folks would think. I know now you can't get that wonderful time back, although life is hard. Please, please tell me to mind my own business but don't you think having a dog at this particular time is a good idea? They are wonderful but they are can be a real expense and are also extra work (housework wise and time too). Our little Jack Russel costs over £2 a week just to feed xxx

I second this. You are already stressed enough over the state of your house and finances and time to do stuff without adding an extra burden to it. Dogs need feeding - more money and either insurance or irregular vets bills - more money (inc jabs). Walking - time - every day (depending on the dog the daily school run walk may not be enough). More mess - dog hairs to vacuum, wet paw prints to wipe up, a wet dog smell to contend with in wet weather (you grow immune to it, but non-doggy visitors can notice it), possible puppy training (time, money, mess...)

Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. I grew up with dogs always around and I missed them more than my mum when I left home, but I'm a realist with the time and money that they can take up. My kids would love a dog. OH wouldn't mind a dog. BUT it would ALL come down to me - and as a(very) part time working mum of 4 (14 down to 2) with 2 volunteer committee roles as well I know I haven't the time to cope - I'm already at breaking point as it is and constantly robbing peter's time to pay paul's time (the money isn't so much the issue as I'm severely time deficient)

Without wishing to sound harsh, I really think you should drop the idea of a dog for several years at least - and, tbh, it's irrelevant if your landlord won't allow one anyway.

prepareathome

Just discovered the big post I did last night before bed ( around 10pm) never posted...........

It started with gailey see you opted for something simple and it was totally enjoyable - usually it is the simpler meals that are the ones really enjoyed, yes its nice to have fancy ones, but youngsters especially usually enjoy simpler food more often. So your family had a lovely nourishing meal and you didn't slave over the hob for hours, perfect. Don't worry about the house, you will tidy it, days off are allowed. I have a friend who now lives on her own as her daughter has grown up and married with her own family and you always have to move things off couch to sit down and watch where you walk as stuff is dumped everywhere. Its that she is so busy painting, which she loves, talking her dog for a walk, knitting and all her other hobbies take up so much of her time. Every few weeks she will attack her home and puts a few bits away, clothes and dishes are done daily though, but you walk in her home and she is so happy ( she was widowed young and struggled with a daughter and totally disabled son) with her life now and if she leaves stuff all over the place who cares. If you arrive unannouced you just have to put up with it. On the other hand I had a friend who was totally houseproud, her young daughter could not make a mess, if she did the item was removed. She had to eat at a small table with a plastic table cloth underneath it never just handed a biscuit and wander off with it. She was given one toy at a time and if she got fed up given another ( and I mean one, like one doll or teaset just one cup and saucer, so very hard for child to play imaginatively. Friend was always tired not from having fun with her daughter but from scrubbing her home from top to bottom every day. I did have a go at her once, as daughter was ill and was sick and I had popped over to play with daughter, as I knew what friend would be like and sure enough poor child was in bed crying for mummy after being sick but mummy had stripped the bed, remade it then taken everything down to wash, and when I arrived was scrubbing carpet instead of cuddling her daughter. I know this is not normal and I have gone from one extreme to the other, me I was in the middle place was always messy when my lot were young. I would tidy up every night if not to exhausted but during the day place was messy ( have plenty of photos taken during the day and there are always piles of stuff on side (blush) but kids were happy and that is what counts, they have mummy around and that is what they will remember mum was always there for them, not the house was messy ( I asked my kids and they said in their memories we had a tidy home, but that was background, what they did remember was me always being there for them and that is what counts. So long as they have food, clean clothes and love everything else will fall into place. Yes you have to mop the kitchen floor and hoover regularly but it only needs once a day at most and if its left to a second day fine. Its easy to look at these other mums when they are at the school looking fantastic and well groomed, but to do that they have to ignore their children to some extent if they have 3 young ones like you, most likely will just have the one your daughters age or if more older. Its not easy bringing up children and there is no plan we all can follow ( no matter what so called experts who have never had a child or brought one up says) each child is an individual, my four were totally different from each other, Oldest son for example had no imagination, still hasn't and is an accountant now which we always knew he would be or a lawyer, and you could not just give him toys and expect him to play with them, I had to play with him or at least find something he could do on his own like painting ( after I had said paint daddy or like as he would never know what to paint), yet in a lot of ways he was my easiest child as he never got up to mischief like the others - daughter once decorated my bedroom when she was 3 with foundation, she was in bed and had sneaked into my room, only took her 10 mins but never got some of it off the furniture. As the children get old the mess will ease, you will end up with clutter, but that is different. Before you know it the 2 year old will be at nursery and you will miss her and in 4 years they will all be in school and you will not know what to do with yourself.

Right I better sort myself out - wanted to register for Drama class at 9am but body not having any of it today so only going to have shower now as pain meds have kicked in then get ready so hoping to get along there by 11am, just hope all the youngsters ( 18+) have not filled up the class already, if so oh well not meant to go.....

Take care of yourselves

Hugs

ragz_2

Prepareathome and Salome - What great posts. I know I often put housework before my kids (and my house isn't that tidy!) or sit on the computer when I should be playing with them. My first two were so close together they always played really well without needing me to join in so I got used to being in the background, now I have DD at home all day when the boys are at school and I really should play with her more, it's one of my goals for this year. She will start preschool a day a week next month, and this time next year it will be every day, I should make the most of my last little one...

My problem is I often feel I would rather clean than do kids stuff... my Mum always played so well with us but I don't seem to have the imagination! Must try harder!

There are bonuses to having all your kids young and close together... but I am realising the downsides - each child gets less attention and I get more stressed! I see people with one child and think how easy and tidy their life must be, but the downside is their child has no one to play with when mummy is busy. My mum had us all 5-6 years apart so we each got a lot of time from her at the important ages, which was great. But it does mean for her that at 49 with her youngest turning 16 on Wednesday, she is totally exhausted!

salome

You know Ragz, bringing up your kids should be what sits natural with you. If you feel you want to tidy, tidy. Get the little one to help :-) Give her a duster, or a feather duster even, they love those lol. That way you're 'playing' with her, but at the same time she's fitting in with your day :-) I have a friend, who's a lovely mum, but having a clean house is important to her, . She does allow the children to make a mess, but they also have to tidy as well, but as she tidies, she gives them a little 'chore' to do to, and they find it fun. Both are under the age of 6. That way, shes content, and the children still have fun :-)
Too many mums wear themselves out thinking they have to fit a certain box. The only box they need to fit is the one that suits them, and their household :-) Does your little girl have a toy computer, or a toy she can pretend is a computer, and sit next to you when you need to go on and she can do what mummy does ??? We mums need to stop beating ourselves up, or feeling guilty because we feel we aren't ticking all the boxes others put us in, and generally those boxes are invented by people who either have such a life style, they don't ever face the munedane run of the mill days most of us have to face, or they don't have children.
We are who we are. You are who you are. Love yourself for it, and mold your days around that person, and how it works for you and your families :-) One thing I've realised with my children is that love me for all my imperfections. They love me despite the numerous mistakes I've made in the past. They love me even when I've been in the depths of nowhere, and somedays being a mum was the hardest thing to be. They love me, simply because I love them, despite of their imperfections etc. and there's no greater thing we mums can give to any of our children. Our love covers over many cracks. And love can be in many disguises :-)
Children know when we're happy, they sense it. They would rather be incuded in what makes us happy, than to be played with, but mum is wishing she was somewhere else :-)
Mums. You are all wonderful. you do the hardest job ever, and you succeed marvelously at it, in which ever way yo do it. Motherhood is not the easiest job in the world, yet mums, you do it instinctively, sometimes with little thanks and you never quit. Rise up you lovely mummies ;-) YOU'RE THE BEST :-) Don't let anyone tell you different :-)

Kittikins

Well said salome, I used to beat myself up a lot about how I'm raising DD on my own, but now I know I'm the best mummy in the world cos she tells me so, and despite the house being a bit of a tip a lot of the time, she is clean, healthy, happy and most importantly, LOVED

smileyt_2

Hi ladies! Gosh it's taken me a while to catch up. I just wanted to second all the thoughts on Mums - don't be too hard on yourselves! And big hugs to all of you who are carers. It can be a hard, hard thing at times.

Gailey do you take a vitamin supplement? Vitamin D especially is supposed to be good for helping with depression, particularly the winter blues. I have found my moods have improved a lot now that I am remembering to take vitamins just before I get into bed. You have a lot on your plate and anything that might help would be worth a go.

All the talk of gardening and allotments has got my green fingers itching! But it's far too early to be sowing. Greyqueen I am very jealous that you have had fine weather to get onto the allotment - it seems to have rained most days here since the beginning of December. (And in answer to your question, there have been no further accostings in the park or rude books thrust upon me. I'm sure this is only a temporary blip, though!:rotfl:)

I have a sewing machine!:T I have already shortened a top and hemmed it. But the first thing I am going to make properly is a teabag pouch :rotfl:I can get free hot water at work but it costs £1.10 to buy a cup of tea, so I take my own teabags and have free hot drinks. I am going to make a little pouch and decorate it with stick on gems, really bling it up, so that I can put a couple of teabags in it and take it to work with me. Little things ...... And if I can get some waterproof material (kid's mac from a charity shop, maybe) I am going to make myself an elasticated saddle cover for my bike saddle to keep it dry in the rain. Ooooh, the excitement!

Ginnyknit glad hubby is out of hospital and eating you out of house and home! Maybe we can get together and have a seed swap? A mini-MSE Manchester meet (pm me if anyone else is interested).

Back to work today. Hey ho.

Take care, lovelies xxx

rachbc

salome wrote: »

You know Ragz, bringing up your kids should be what sits natural with you. If you feel you want to tidy, tidy. Get the little one to help :-) Give her a duster, or a feather duster even, they love those lol. That way you're 'playing' with her, but at the same time she's fitting in with your day :-) I have a friend, who's a lovely mum, but having a clean house is important to her, . She does allow the children to make a mess, but they also have to tidy as well, but as she tidies, she gives them a little 'chore' to do to, and they find it fun. Both are under the age of 6. That way, shes content, and the children still have fun :-)

I totally agree with this - I like the hosue to be tidy, I feel better when the house is tidy, I can find things, the kids know where stuff is and life runs a little more smoothly so to me its less stressful to do the hosuework than it is to leave it and get stressed by it not being done. I actually get quite grrrr at people saying a messy house is a sign of a happy house and that if your house is tidy your kids can't be having fun etc etc. My kids make a mess then we all pick together, they do little jobs too and more as they get older. I'm not criticising those who are untidy but I sometimes feel there is an implied criticism of those who are....

ginnyknit

:wave: Hiya Smileyt, OH and I were planning a trip down your way to go to that CS warehouse you showed us for a long unit for living room - to hide all my carp :rotfl: sorry to stand our tv on! So as soon as he is a bit more mobile we will be there.

Going to be mainly housebound for a few days yet as Oh cannot be left for long. May get as far as Mr A round the corner. All stocked up though so no worries except cat food, can you get a cat sized bag on wheels then they can go and buy their own bl**dy food

Cannot wait for spring but at least winter has not been snowy again this year.