Bit of a sensitive question...

rowan_tree

I'm a regular poster, but have created a new ID as my problem is a sensitive one and also my hubby pops in here to have a mooch around.

I have been married for 3 years now to a wonderful man who is in his mid 40's.

He has type 1 diabetes and only told me a couple of weeks into our relationship because he was embarrassed, although I still don't know why!?

The only problem in our relationship is to do with sex and it's frequency, as his diabetes means he struggles with blood circulation in a very important area...iykwim.

He has tried taking Viagra and Cialis but it is hit and miss when it helps, so at the moment we only manage full sex once every 6-8 weeks.

I used to have a high sex drive and would do it every day given the chance, and now it's got to the point where I feel like a 80 year old when I get into bed - read for a bit, finish my cuppa then lights out. :mad:

A friend suggested just playing about without full sex but I know for a fact that I won't feel fully satisfied, and I'm sure that hubby will feel a failure that he can't go the full hog so to speak....hence why I don't bother initiating sex these days.

Has anyone else experienced this or have any advice on how I can cope and/or deal with this?

I'm only mid 30's and am sat here crying that although I have a lovely hubby, my sex life has more or less come to an end.

I know I sound selfish and I know that my hubby isn't happy either, but he has said a few times that he's come to terms with it.

His way of dealing with it is "quality vs quantity"...we had sex a couple of days ago and it's killing me that it's not going to happen again now til next year!!!!

thegirlintheattic

By not bothering to initiate sex you are contributing the problem. He may feel you have accepted the situation and are happy with the sex life you do have.

You need to talk to him about this. Whilst you may not feel satisfied without full intercourse, what are your other options? Have you tried toys? Has your OH actually said no to the idea of stopping short of full intercourse?

You have known about this for the majority of the relationship, if you were not happy you needed to say so at the start, why is this only now coming to a head?

Your OH sounds like he is trying, is he seeing a specialist about these problems?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Hm . . in all honesty i would have suggested same as your friends.

Have you . . . erm . . . tried toys? (I actually DONT want to know the answer to this!!!! lol ..... Just something for you to think about!) If you havent tried anything . . . then TRY! you might be surprised

red_devil

you will deal withit because you have to, and you love your husband.

rowan_tree

Thanks for your replies, it's such a relief to to get this out to be honest.

It is only the past year or so that it's become a problem - his diabetes has been causing him circulation problems in other areas as well.

Yes, we've done the toy thing...I'm afraid that they did nothing at all for me.

Yes I know that I should initiate sex more often but as soon as I make a move and it's obvious that nothing's going to happen I come crashing down and then we both feel like ****.

The only help he's willing to take is the tablets - the suggestion of implants and pumps was met with a stern 'no way'.

Like I said he's accepted the idea of a virtually sex-free life together, and whenever I bring it up he says that it's just one of those things married couples have to face up to.

I know this sounds awful, but I can understand why some people have affairs due to their OH not wanting/being able to have sex. (Not that this is an option for me, as I would rather cut my arm off than betray him).

Brighton_belle

rowan_tree wrote: »

Like I said he's accepted the idea of a virtually sex-free life together, and whenever I bring it up he says that it's just one of those things married couples have to face up to.

Er..no:what married couples do is work together to find solutions so that both's equally valid needs are met. He doesn't sound like he is open to all the help that is out there.

I know nothing about type one diabtes - is there any more info from GP's and diabetes associations he could get.

I don't understand your OP when you suggest it was strange that he only told you about his diabetes a couple of weeks into your relationship. Well, that would be the best time wouldn't it? He couldn't tell you before, but made sure he did tell you v soon.

NAR

Rowan_tree why should you miss out? (No I'm not offering my services! :A ) OH has a medical problem that I'm sure can be improved. Is he too embarrassed to ask for help? I think you need to be firm with him and insist he tries to find a remedy and stop taking you for granted. It's not "just one of those things" - it might be for him (as in he's accepted the current situation) but you need to tell him it is not acceptable for you and tell him to seek help.

Have you or he tried Diabetes Forums? I'm sure OH is not the first to have faced this problem.

McKneff

Go back to the GP, there are different strenghts of Viagra which may help.

Dont stop with the initition, even if he cant get it on so to speak, there are other ways for him to give you the satisfaction you need.

victory

Go on to the diabetic forum there are many people on there that will give you and your OH masses of help, there is no need to give up, there is a solution:D

red_devil

rowan_tree wrote: »

Thanks for your replies, it's such a relief to to get this out to be honest.

It is only the past year or so that it's become a problem - his diabetes has been causing him circulation problems in other areas as well.

Yes, we've done the toy thing...I'm afraid that they did nothing at all for me.

Yes I know that I should initiate sex more often but as soon as I make a move and it's obvious that nothing's going to happen I come crashing down and then we both feel like ****.

The only help he's willing to take is the tablets - the suggestion of implants and pumps was met with a stern 'no way'.

Like I said he's accepted the idea of a virtually sex-free life together, and whenever I bring it up he says that it's just one of those things married couples have to face up to.

I know this sounds awful, but I can understand why some people have affairs due to their OH not wanting/being able to have sex. (Not that this is an option for me, as I would rather cut my arm off than betray him).

He is right thats what you face up too. An affair is not the answer.

babymoo

I think if you love this man, your with him for him not for the sex. You married him knowing his health condition and knowing how it would affect him and your relationship. You've presumably spent many years with this man so why now is it beginning to bug you?

I'm always amazed when people whinge on about their sex life and how it bothers them so much! Is there nothing else in your relationship? Has the affection completely gone aswell?

Personally that would be much more of an issue than my DP not being able to do it regularly or in my case it is me with the problem and me and my DP have spoken about it many times, I do everything in my power to get the help I need with it and he is supportive. We communicate about it and this is by far the only way to get around it. It is soul destroying knowing your stopping the person you love from having the sex life they want so without sounding harsh, however bad it is for you I can guarantee the guilt your husband carries with him because of this is far greater. Go easy on him, you will be making it worse for him without even realising it, he needs your support, at the end of the day it is effectively him doing this to you even though he has no control over it. This is exactly how he will feel. Make sex fun without needing full sex and find a way for you both to be satisfied. You will get there but you have to stop focusing on that 1 thing!!

There is so much more to a relationship and a marriage than sex. It has ALWAYS been the least important thing in my opinion to a relationship. I will never understand why it is such a big thing.