Real Life MMD: Should I pay extra tenner for hotel blunder?

bogwart

Why do so many people these days refuse to take responsibility for their own actions? If your friends insist on showing off by going somewhere they can't afford, then ask you to pay up (presumably) months in advance, then add insult to injury by demanding you pay even more because they can't take a good guess at how many friends they have, why should you bail them out?

And always in these situations people seem concerned at losing a "friend". Do friends really come with a price tag? Maybe I've been lucky, but maybe also I've set a higher bar for friendship.

tara747

morg_monster wrote: »

Not sure what the answer is but a similar thing happened on DH's stag, best man didn't get a firm 100% concrete committed yes from every guest before paying for things that were non-refundable. He told everyone they would have to pay £X based on the number of people who had originally said they'd go, when it came time to book quite a few dropped out and the choice was either ask everyone for more cash, or stump up himself. He actually stumped up himself which was quite a lot really, a good few hundred quid I think. It wasn't a massively expensive do, but was over a weekend, and about 10-15 people going. The main thing was he'd booked a coach from London to Cardiff, as the number of people who'd originally said they were going to go made it more cost-effective than all going on the train...

We didn't find out that he'd paid so much extra until a while after the wedding, when we commented to some friends that we were a little surprised not to have received a wedding gift from our best man, and they told us what had happened. It had left him in a bit of a hole at the time, but he does earn quite a lot (just also spends a lot...) so he wasn't out of pocket for very long. Oops.

Wow. That is extremely generous and kind of your best man. How much he earns is irrelevant.

Augustus_the_Strong

ollie2001 wrote: »

Agree with first poster, £10 is relatively insignificant. Just don't have an extra couple of drinks when you go, £10 saved.

Absolutely - £10 isn't much if you can afford to go to this sort of thing at all. It's not really their fault that not enough people can come. Why not suggest inviting another couple of people from the 'B' list to make up the numbers and the finances. Otherwise, just pay the extra £10 and make sure you enjoy yourself.

WombatGirl

Hi all

Thank you very much for your help with my MMD. Seeing as you're asking for more details I thought I'd better register and weigh in.

How much is the trip costing you already? £85 per person, room only - apparently there is a buffet which we will need to pay for, and possibly some activities.
How many people are going? I think there may be 5-10 of us.
How much deposit are the couple losing? £400, so I guess they must be absorbing the majority of the cost themselves.
How well off are the couple. Reasonably.
Are fewer people going because they said yes then pulled out or did the couple guess the numbers? I'm honestly not sure. They emailed a few months ago to get an idea of numbers, but I think they may have already paid something at that point. They said that it was partly due to people dropping out, and partly due to them having miscalculated numbers.
Why did you agree to go? Friendship? Weekend break? Social pressure? Long-standing but not particularly close friendship, part of a social group. Plus they came to my do.
Why are the hotel charging so early for cancellations? Rather than a hotel it's a series of buildings which you can rent out in groups, set in some old country grounds. I'm not sure of the T&Cs, but I assume it's part of the contract. It does sound very nice, and not overpriced, just a bit too pricey for me right now! When I agreed in principle a few months ago I wasn't aware the money would be needed by December, as it's not happening until March.

My finances aren't great at the moment as I recently got married, so I am sympathetic to their money problems - weddings are, as you say, a money pit. I'm extremely strict with myself when it comes to spending, so there's no cash wasted on the likes of fags and chip butties ;o) I've got a plan to be debt free, but I can't make a start on it until March next year as that is when I will have paid my husband off for the money he has very kindly lent me for a course and in order to go on this do.

On the basis that I'm already having to borrow money to be able to pay them before Christmas I've told them I can't afford to pay any more, and so have just paid the £85. If I'm honest I do feel they've done this to themselves a bit - they know most people are strapped for cash and can't afford pricey weekends away. It might have been nice to go to a swanky spa for my hen do, but instead I rented a schoolhouse in the country and bought in a load of food and booze - it came to £40 per head, and even my most destitute friends were able to attend.

I agree that in most instances if I can't afford something I don't spend the money (the course date was set, and it's a must for my career development), but saying no to a hen do when someone has just been on yours, well, it's not really the done thing is it?

Anyway, thank you to everyone who has posted so far. I particularly liked the idea of paying the money then spending £10 less on the wedding present - very cunning!

tomwakefield

I was meant to go on my brother-in-laws adrenaline stag weekend, but broke my finger and figured rock climbing might not be the best idea. I still paid the (lost) deposit for my share, as it was my responsibility that I wasn't going and didn't think other people should pay more to cover it.

Brumgirl

I am in a similar situation. I sent out emails with details and prices of the trip well in advance to which people replied they would definitely be attending. In order to make the hen do cheap (around £100 for 3 days) we needed to book in advance so we asked people for the money. When most of the money was received we decided to book the hotel rooms (£25 each for 2 nights) however then a few people started to say they could not longer afford to come. They refused to pay their share of the hotel cost and I have now been left with the bill as they believed the costs should be picked up by the other people still going on the weekend away. The other argument was that i had booked it so far in advance that we could claim costs back - not true for the cheapie rooms. It's quite frustrating when people don't take responsibility for their actions. In response to the OP £10 isn't a big deal if you can afford it but I do think that the people who dropped out should contribute as they partly caused the problem.

purpleweasel

groovygarden wrote: »

In this case it is only a tenner, so yes, I'd pay up. If money is tight maybe have a few soft drinks when you're out.

The wider issue though is that people getting married don't always consider how much their wedding is costing their guests. By the time you've gone on a hen do (some of my friends have had two!), bought an outfit, bought a present, travelled to the wedding, bought drinks and paid for a hotel you're looking at hundred of pounds.

Most of my friends are really considerate, and luckily my finances are quite healthy these days, but when I went to a flurry of post-university weddings and only had a new graduate's salary, it was a struggle sometimes.

I've organised a couple of hen dos for close friends and have always made sure I've kept things as cheap as possible, and given people plenty of options (eg: skip the spa, join us for dinner) so they can manage the costs.

i have just got married and knowing that several of my close friends don't have a lot to spare i tailored my hen do accordingly. We went a short distance by train for lunch, came back home for an afternoon activity and ended up having drinks in our local pub. It worked out that some people were happy to do the whole thing (in fancy dress!), others just came to the lunch and others joined us later. Everyone had a good time, no-one felt pressured to spend more than they could afford and (i hope) no-one felt left out. The important thing was to have a good time with my good friends rather than to have a posh do - if i'd have booked a weekend away 5 or 6 of the 10 wouldn't have been able to come for financial or family reasons and that wouldn't have been anywhere near as much fun for me! Think outside the box is my advice to any upcoming hens, and decide which is more important - a posh do, time away or abroad or the company of your favourite people?

By the way, thank you Wombatgirl for giving more information. I often think i would be interested to know what the person decided in the end. In my view it's more about the principle than the amount, but it sounds like your friend (or her bridesmaid/best girl) isn't as well organised as mine was!

Boggis

auntie_sal wrote: »

I really can't help but think that things like stag and hen does are getting totally out of control. I have lost count of how many times someone has said to me its much too expensive but I don't like to say no, hence the bride or groom doesn't always get their very bestest friends there, just the ones who can afford it, how ridiculous is that? I know I am taking the opportunity to lecture but maybe now a big deposit has to be saved to get a mortgage, it is time to cut down on the whole wedding thing and save some money. Back in the sixties the deposit was also high (100% mortgages are quite recent) and that is why stag nights were up the local pub and receptions in the village hall. Anyway no, I wouldn't pay more than you had agreed to even if it meant I couldn't go.

How I agree with Sal. I may be getting old and crabby but I think so many things have got out of hand these days (especially stag/hen and children's parties) where how much is spent seems to be the main criterion of success. What about the simple pleasure of a few hours spent just enjoying the company of good friends? You don't have to go to far-flung or exotic locations, use your imagination and do something your friends can easily afford. I've just had one of the best Christmas nights out ever with a group of close friends, good food and drink, lots of laughs, and no one went into the red over it. Let's stop basing our lives on spend spend spend. Right, lecture over, hope you all have fab stress-free weddings and happy Christmases.