Need advice on OH’s worrying

MrsAtobe

I’m looking for some advice on how to help Mr A with his worrying. He has psoriasis, so I can tell by looking at him (whether it is getting worse or better) what his mental state is. I truly don't have a problem with the psoriasis, btw, but I know that it bothers him when it's bad. We had a conversation the other night, and it appears that what he mainly worries about is me L.
I had an operation on my foot last year, and he got himself into a real state. He told me when I was discharged that he was convinced that something was going to happen on the operating table and that he was going to lose me L. I’ve got an ongoing problem with that foot, and I’m waiting to see the pain clinic. Since the operation, I have had a lot of pain in the opposite hip, and when x-rayed, it shows that there is a bone fragment floating around. I’ve had an MRI, and I go back to see the consultant just before Christmas to find out what is to be done.
He’s already stressing about what we will be told when we see the consultant. I can’t bear to see him in a state, can anyone suggest anything that I can do to help allay his fears?

victory

A counsellor would say everytime a negative thought pops in the mind counter act it with 2 positives, easier said than done and maybe not for this case but also they say to right postive and negative lists and only deal with one thing at a time so get OH to write down all the negatives what he thinks could happen, what he fears happening, what he sees as the worst and then get him to do the other positive list where he can see there are some and that many of the negatives are nowhere near as bad as he would have thought they could be:D

Brighton_belle

He needs to sign up for some Cognative Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - this helps you retrain your thinking patterns and challenge yourself when faced with irrational fears.

I would also suggest you both join:
http://www.psoriasis-help.org.uk/

and their forums http://www.psoriasis-help.org.uk/community/

for fantastic support from fellow suffers and well as advice on treatments etc.

**Juice**

My boyfriend is a bit of a worrier - he's sometimes a little bit of a hypochondriac and has a tendency to fixate/worry about things and have a hard time getting over them. Whereas I'm much more like "oh god, nightmare....right, how can we sort it?" It's something that we've talked about and tbh he has got much better.

I'm a bit confused, do you mean that his psoriasis is exacerbated by him worrying? Is he under care of doctor/dermatologist for this?

Alikay

Well I guess his fear is not a vague "something might happen" to you. He is worried that you will die or be permanently disabled, both of which are unlikely, though statistically possible. I think all you can do is reassure him that in the unlikely event that anything DOES go wrong, it would probably be fairly minor, and that most serious complications are still put-right-able.

I'm also something of a "panic-pants" and I hate it when people try and placate me by telling me that everything will be alright. I want to scream at them that with sometimes things DO go wrong and why are they treating me like an idiot by telling me that's not possible? Do they have a crystal ball?! I think it would be best to talk about his fears and make it clear that there is a heck of a lot of middle ground between an operation going perfectly well and it going so badly wrong that you'd die. Maybe get the Dr to talk about what the real risks are -- they are likely to be a heck of a lot lower than your OH fears!

Distracting him is unlikely to work long term, although when I've got myself very worked up about a particular event (my DD in labour, my mum's operation, DS2's gliding lessons) I found going to the cinema forces me to relax for a couple of hours.

Good luck with your hip by the way x

MrsAtobe

Victory, I'll try to supply the two positives whenever he comes out with something negative, thanks.

Brighton Belle, thanks for those links, I'll have a look at them. Not sure he'd go for the CBT, I have enough of a problem getting him to see his GP when he needs to. I might just get his sister to have a word with him, she's training to be a child bereavement counsellor at the moment, might listen to her a bit more.

Juice, I'm like you, if there's a problem I work out how to fix it too. Yes, his worrying does worsen his psoriasis, I have asked that he gets his GP to refer him to a dermatologist but they refused. It was a battle for him to get them to even give him Dovobet in a gel form, rather than a cream to make it easier to treat his scalp. It does worry me that he has been using these creams for years without a noticeable improvement but they still won't give him something different to try.

Alikay, I only tried telling him that everything will be alright once, and realised that it wasn't helping . He's coming with me to the consult, so hopefully my lovely Orthopaedic surgeon can help to put his mind at rest. He does know that I've had a fair few operations and that I've come through them all, only with the last one did it trigger a rare side effect. In his mind though, I think this all adds up to 'Well this is the one that goes wrong then'. Thanks for the good luck wishes, I think that I probably chipped the bone donkeys years ago falling off a horse (I did this fairly frequently:)), so a quick op to remove the fragment is hopefully all that's needed.

Brighton_belle

Oh, I know he probably won't go for CBT - many men find the idea of counselling to difficult, so I understand. Yes, best to try gently comparing facts with chnaces of worst case scenario and getting the consultant to help you.

As for the GP refusing to refer to a derm, this makes me angry - Psoriasis can be extremely debiliating illness when it is more than a few patches on your elbow, and needs specialist help. The creams are often completely useless I'm afraid and long term use can cause a rebound effect with some of them.

Thinking about it - I suggest you quietly look at the pho forums by yourself at first, just in case some of the info there worries him to much - 'what if I get it that bad etc.

MrsAtobe

It irritates me too, Brighton belle, I really feel that he's being fobbed off at the moment . I can't wait until we're married and he has to register with my GPs practice - I suspect that they will be horrified that he's been prescribed creams for years that should only be used for six months or so.

I do feel that if I can appeal to the 'engineer' side of his brain, with the statistics, I have a better chance of getting through to him. Yes I don't think I'll point him in the direction of the forums yet, I don't think he's in the right frame of mind at the moment.

I hope you aren't speaking from personal experience here, btw.

claire16c

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Juice, I'm like you, if there's a problem I work out how to fix it too. Yes, his worrying does worsen his psoriasis, I have asked that he gets his GP to refer him to a dermatologist but they refused. It was a battle for him to get them to even give him Dovobet in a gel form, rather than a cream to make it easier to treat his scalp. It does worry me that he has been using these creams for years without a noticeable improvement but they still won't give him something different to try.

Have you seen the food hospital show on ch4? Its probably available to watch on their website if you havent. Its basically about treating illnesses or problems with food.

A couple of weeks ago they had a little boy who had really bad psoriasis, they prescribed a diet that they hoped would help (because like many people like your DH creams were not really helping - they might help the itch but they werent preventing anything so it was a vicious cycle).

When he came back a couple of months later he had a massive improvement. And the foods werent weird or anything, i mean this boy was only 5ish and he ate whatever it was. It might be worth a try? Most of the time it was just a pretty healthy diet, but for each illness there are specific types of food that can help. I think for psoriasis it was some kind of anti-imflammatory diet, so foods that help with that.

Brighton_belle

MrsAtobe wrote: »

I hope you aren't speaking from personal experience here, btw.

'Fraid so - 80% coverge and very very ill with out the wonderful care of my derm. Have worked my way through all the treatments known to mankind. Stress makes no differnt to mine which was triggered by a strep throat infection.

claire16c wrote: »

Have you seen the food hospital show on ch4? Its probably available to watch on their website if you havent. Its basically about treating illnesses or problems with food.

It was an interesting prog claire, and I am enjoying the series as a whole, but the reality is that clearing psoriasis with diet is rarer than hen's teeth: many of us try diet route for years with nil effect.

There is no proven benefit with diet, just occasional anicdotal, and on the programme, it did state he was still receiving treatment from Gt Ormonds street and not stopping his medication:it looked like he was possibly benefitting from light treatment at the same time.
If you do want to pursue dietry measures ever though, there is a forum with the forum I refer to on diets people have tried. And there are occasional successes but each persons psoriasis seems to have differnt triggers so there is no one diet fits all sadly.

Still no harm in watching it at all.

MrsAtobe

So sorry to hear that BB. I've managed to get the OH taking Omega oils, which seem to help a little. He had a really bad patch under the band of his boxers, now I've bought him ones with the flat elastic at the top, it seems to be clearing. His legs are a different matter, though.

Claire, I will take a look at the programme, thank you. I have inflammatory bowel disease, so some of the info might be useful for me, too.