Need advice on OH’s worrying

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd refuse to have him with me at the hospital appointment. Do you want to spent the time the consultant should be explaining things to you, holding your OH's hand and hoping the consultant lies if there's something less than ideal in his assessment of your condition?

Does his desperate need for reassurance always flare up when you actually need some support? So you are forgetting about your own worries and fears because his needs are more pressing than you coping with being in pain and then having an operation, plus recovery time.

I would also wonder whether in those periods, he doesn't actually use the medication as much. Not deliberately, you see, but subconsciously he wants you to look after him instead of being the one you can rely on.

Brighton_belle

MrsAtobe wrote: »

So sorry to hear that BB. I've managed to get the OH taking Omega oils, which seem to help a little. He had a really bad patch under the band of his boxers, now I've bought him ones with the flat elastic at the top, it seems to be clearing. His legs are a different matter, though.

Claire, I will take a look at the programme, thank you. I have inflammatory bowel disease, so some of the info might be useful for me, too.

Definitely watch the whole series then (all on catch up) as they do tackle IBD type issues and I do think there is a lot of ways we could all help ourselves with diet.
Thanks for the sympathy it's been a rough ride at times but thanks to mega meds I currently have perfect skin - always a price to pay with the meds though but it's a choice I chose to make to have a life though non of them work forever.

Just before the meds kicked in, I started a raw vegan diet in desparation...(again, a few people have found benefit with that but you've got to really want to do it, it is a drastic change with a tiny chance it will help) I only do that 30% now while on the meds but I drink a pint of green smoothie (green leaf veg sweetened with fruit, really delicious) every day as I have noticed the benefit to my over all health.

If your OH is having omegas (a very good idea) the perhaps get your OH to try vit D too - there is some interesting research going on with Psoriasis and Vit D

MrsAtobe

JoJo, with the greatest respect, I think you've misunderstood the situation. He doesn't ask for reassurance, but I can tell when he needs it. He does so much to support me day to day, I am so lucky with to be with him - no other man I have been with has ever been so supportive. Yes he has money worries and worries about me, but isn't that part of being in a relationship, that you help each other through life's lumps and bumps? I just happen to be going through a particularly bumpy time at the moment. As an example of how bad I can get, it has been pointed out that on a really bad day, that I walk like a ninety year old, and I'm less than half that age. Apologies to any sprightly ninety year olds:).

BB, can you give any links about the research into the vitamin D? I'd be interested in reading them, to see what the dosage is. I do know that sunlight helps the OH's skin a lot, not much chance of it helping in the next six months or so.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

MrsAtobe wrote: »

JoJo, with the greatest respect, I think you've misunderstood the situation. He doesn't ask for reassurance, but I can tell when he needs it. He does so much to support me day to day, I am so lucky with to be with him - no other man I have been with has ever been so supportive. Yes he has money worries and worries about me, but isn't that part of being in a relationship, that you help each other through life's lumps and bumps? I just happen to be going through a particularly bumpy time at the moment. As an example of how bad I can get, it has been pointed out that on a really bad day, that I walk like a ninety year old, and I'm less than half that age. Apologies to any sprightly ninety year olds:).

I didn't mean it badly, but I have seen people who are absolutely useless when their partner needs them, purely because, in their mind, they are the one who is supposed to be looked after. And the person concerned has no idea they are being manipulated into making it all about the partner when it should be about them. I'm glad it isn't the case with you, but I brought it up in case it rang any bells.

RA makes me walk like a 90 year old, btw - I can sympathise.

And whilst the vegan thing might sound unrealistic on first glance, I've found that a nasty RA flare can be stopped in its tracks by doing exactly the same. It doesn't always work, but that could be due to not keeping to it for long enough. As psoriasis is closely linked to arthritis/lupus/IBS/other autoimmune diseases, it might be worth a look.

(and on a moneysaving note, if you are looking to keep omega 3s up, plain, boring old rapeseed oil - vegetable oil - is a great source)

**Juice**

I have psoriasis - thankfully very mild but it was worse when I was younger, however after a few months when creams weren't working I was referred to the dermatology ward at the hospital and went on special sunbeds (without the harmful rays) that cleared it up really easily. I'm surprised this hasn't been offered if he's been suffering for years :-(

Errata

I think there are two separate problems here, the psoriasis and your foot.

Firstly, the psoriasis

It does worry me that he has been using these creams for years without a noticeable improvement but they still won't give him something different to try.

I think you need to understand fully why he has been satisfied with being 'fobbed off' by his GP and why he hasn't pushed for a referral to a dermatologist or changed his GP practice to one that will refer him when it appears he's just been going along with his current GP's treatment for years. Why isn't he worrying himself daft about it.

Secondly, your foot. He seems to be catastrophising the situation. Does he catastrophise other situations that he finds challenging? If he does, that's his way of coping, although it's a very innapropriate one he thinks it works for him. Of course, other ways of coping with challenges will be far more effective, work better and be easier on you both but he has to learn them (this is a bit of speculation on my part, but perhaps worth considering).
There are options for dealing with someone who catastrophises. One option is to agree with everything they say and come up with even more terrifying scenarios than they do; this leaves them with nowhere further to go with it so they have to try a different strategy. Another option is to ignore them and not respond to their unrealistic concerns. There are other options, but these two are worth a shot as a first step.

I agree with Jojo - your consultant's time is yours, you need all his time and thinking focussed on you not your OH's unrealistic concerns. The problems with your foot have primacy, his problems are secondary to that and have to take a back seat. He needs to understand this and if he wants to know the ins and outs of everything, take him to your GP and ask the GP to explain to him.
Wishing you well, and HTH.

Brighton_belle

MrsAtobe wrote: »

BB, can you give any links about the research into the vitamin D? I'd be interested in reading them, to see what the dosage is. I do know that sunlight helps the OH's skin a lot, not much chance of it helping in the next six months or so.

I'll PM you MrsA. That is good news that sunlight helps him - this may mean light treatment will be beneficial to him and that the vit D may help too. There is current a 5 yr study at one of the major London hospitals were they are trialling high vit D does with light treatment and it appears to potentially reduce the number of treatment you need for maximum affect (which is good, as there is a maximum you are allowed in a life time due to skin cancer risks).

Some v interesting and helpful thoughts from errata re catarophising IMO. A family member of mine is a catastrophiser and it gets very wearing year in year out - if you put that word into google you will find loads about this 'syndrome'. I think it would be very beneficial for you both to explore this and help him help himself by developing techniques to over come the tendancy while you are both young and starting out together.
Because it isn't just about him , as you are in a relationship. It would be good to try and sort this early on or it will just get worse as he gets older.
Personally, re your consultant visit - I would get all you need out of the visit, then ask for help re OH's fears: the consultant can them give you both imfo that you can use constructively against the catrophisng when it comes up. Beacuse his worrying is affecting you so it will be helpful to you to find ways to combat it, given that your OH is very caring and supportive in so many other ways.

Errata is right re 'why has he done nothing about his own health'.
Too often, some men seem to be very passive about their own welfare and the whole 'asing for help' thing and how it impacts on other, particularly the women in their life. I think often the woman sorts him out for her own quality of life with him.
With regard to his particular case, knowing a lot of Psoriasis suffers through the afforementioned forums, it is quite difficult for people to break through the GP's to better treatment if you have been constantly told that creams are all there are and you just have to put up with it. With newies on the forum, we are often the encouragement they need to stand up to disinterested GP's and push for a referal because there are better treatments out there. My own GP is superb.

JOJO - that is really interesting & encouraging about raw vegan and RA. I also have Psoriatic Arthritis, which has a lot of similarities to RA, being imflamtory and as you say - Ps connects with all those other conditions you mention.

MrsAtobe

Hopefully I can respond without my tablet crashing .

JoJo thank you for the tip about rapeseed oil, I'll get some and use it in preference to the olive oil I've been using. As regards the vegan diet, unfortunately three of my major trigger foods are veg, and one of the others are nuts so I'm not sure I could cope with it, and still get a balanced diet. But increasing the amount of veg in our diet overall can only be a good thing.

Errata, I truly believe that he's still stuck in the mind set that doctors are gods and their word is law. Either that or he's so worn down by the psoriasis that he doesn't have the strength to fight them, iykwim. Having IBD, I've become used to doctors telling me that they don't know, so I'm not in that mindset, and will question and challenge.

As for him catastrophising, it only seems to be me that this happens with. His mother does this with everything, and I agree, it can be very wearing. She also can turn every situation to being about her,and he's not like that, for which I am very thankful. Only once has he tried doing that with me, and I pointed out to him that he was turning into his mother, which stopped him in his tracks, lol. The only way I cope with his mother is by turning her catastrophising into a game of top trumps, so I guess I'm already doing one of the things you suggested:).

I will also ask him to keep any questions he has until the end of the consult, so that I can get the info I need before his concerns are addressed. He loathes hospitals, so for him to go into one wilingly is a measure of how much he cares for me.

Juice, I really don't think his GPs are doing him any favours at all. I'm not sure if this is because his GP is in a more deprived area than mine, and therefore have greater demands on their budgets?

BB, thank for the pm, I have replied to it. As I've said above, I really don't think his GP is doing him any favours, and with the best will in the world, no GP will ever have the time to keep up the advancements in every area of healthcare. I really do feel that a new GP reviewing his notes can only be beneficial. He does feel very self concious about his skin. Glad that your's is under control, but boo hiss to the side effects of the medication you're on.

meritaten

Mrs Atobe - he loves you so he worries about you - personally I am a bit envious as my OH doesnt worry about me at all! If I am ill he just says 'get yourself down to the doctors' and then that absolves him of any more input into my care.
My son had psoriasis and we went the steroid cream route - then a friend told me about rubbing soya oil into the affected area. within weeks it worked and every time a patch of psoriasis (and you are right - its made worse by stress) appeared I rubbed soya oil in and it really helped. He either grew out of it or the soya oil worked as he doesnt suffer from it as an adult.
your OH has been conditioned to see the negative in situations - he must be terrified. tbh - I have an inkling on how he feels, my best friend went in for knee surgery and had a massive stroke and died on the operating table - she was mid fifties and it was a 'routine' surgery.

if you had a bad reaction to the last surgery - I can only imagine how scared he is this time!
YOU are very sanguine - he is WORRIED! no, he is terrified he is going to lose you. so, to me, your surgeon SHOULD spend some time allaying his fears.

Wirenth

I second the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - it will give him some coping techniques to deal with his anxiety. As a long-time psoriasis sufferer myself, there are a few things I've found that help my outbreaks.

My triggers tend to be stress and illness (colds, bronchitis, etc), along with washing products. It takes approximately 3 months for my skin to recover after an episode. I take a high dose vitamin B complex tablet, along with high dose vitamin D. There are very few shampoos and soaps that I can use, even the hypoallergenic ones set me off. And the occasional drop of betnovate (steroid, minimal use advised!).

You can never cure psoriasis, just work out the triggers/elements that work for your OH, to keep it at bay.