A few months and several questions

RosaBernicia

:mad: left work at 7.30. After finding that despite sending emails of what needed to be done while I was out of the office on Mon and Tue, nobody else appears to have done any of it. Fortunately one lot of stuff can be delayed, and as for the other, will be pushing it in somebody else's direction tomorrow.

Unfortunately have also been volunteered to do something for a meeting on Monday at zero notice - somebody returned the minutes they've had for a week (and that caused me to work on the last lot of annual leave I booked) today saying that I was volunteered for something I don't recall. But it's me who will look silly if I don't get it done. So suppose I will have to do it by Monday. Not happy. Yet another day's leave messed up as I now have to go in to work to collect copies of stuff. And I need that time for MSc stuff.

However, am now fed up enough that I've arranged a chat with my line manager. I really do refuse to make myself ill again, so if it comes to it then I will simply walk into the GPs, explain, and get some time signed off. I'm aware that I need to do everything properly if it comes to that though, so am making sure I do express the problem through the right channels before I take any other action.

I know all this because I took on the nightmare line management situation that nobody else would do and just finally got someone back to work full time after being off with stress :rotfl:

Fed up with the barstewards though. Gave up on trying to study this evening so have just eaten properly and done chores, and will have an early night.


Rosa xx

vasseur

Ooh take it easy Rosa. At least you are spotting the signs early now.

Take care xx

RosaBernicia

polesalot wrote: »

Ooh take it easy Rosa. At least you are spotting the signs early now.

Take care xx

Thanks Poles - that's a VERY good point and one that hadn't really registered before. I am spotting when I get stressed earlier, and also I think I'm getting better at calming myself down sooner.

I did have to pop into work today, but we've agreed a sensible solution for Monday and it is based on previous work so will be very much easier than I originally thought. I spent a lot of the rest of today just sorting chores (including stuff like dentist appointment that's been waiting months) and making sure I ate properly as realised that yesterday had been another 'no real breakfast, lunch at 3' day. I overslept - surprising now as the cat usually informs me when he wants his breakfast - and did take breakfast in but of course got interrupted and didn't eat it, then got pulled into various other things. I am trying not to do that any more and am getting much better with mornings in general - having to get up for the cat means I have had time for breakfast at home, and I've been quite enjoying having a relaxed start to the day. I have an ambition of managing to meditate every morning and might add it to a list - am beginning to think about all the things I can do once the MSc essay is sorted.

I'm feeling very much more settled in the flat now, the amounts of carp are going down and I think by Christmas I will have got rid of a lot of stuff I didn't really need. I got a bit of gardening done today too which cheered me up as I haven't been doing much. The garden only needs a few hours to tidy up and will be done soon, so might have people round to celebrate the End of the Essay when it happens

Mentioned the work problem to my GP as had a review appointment today. Was late even though it's literally round the corner, as was on the phone to work *sigh* so scrambled into trackies and ran there. Rather embarrassed as new GP is cute

Have also spent some time on essay as even though it's late evening, I was calm enough to do it without getting in a flap and had been vaguely thinking about it through the day. Really pleased with myself :T as I now have a bit more of a structure, and going to try and do a good bit more tomorrow .


Moneywise... have been spending too much on sandwiches when at work, but otherwise OK. Nothing planned for this weekend except possible coffee tomorrow. Still doubt will make my original overdraft target, but it might not be too bad.


Rosa xx

vasseur

Sounds like a nice productive 'day off'.

kerri_gt

Wow Rosa, you make my day sound positively relaxed (and I've been running about like my usual headless-chickened self today - incl 3hrs gardening when I 'popped out to cut the hedge' ... btw, highly recommend a hedge trimmer, my new fav toy)

it's great though that you seem to be able to weigh everything up and recognise how things affect you - and that you're not beating yourself about not quite hitting £ target this month, you've done amazingly well and sometimes I think we forget to give ourselves credit where its due x

chevalier

I had a spare couple of days, so have finally read through your diary from start to finish.

Congratulations on both your financial and personal journey.

You have made great strides so keep doing what you have been. Oh and I am with you ref the purple boots, they would have come home with me too....:o

RosaBernicia

chevalier wrote: »

I had a spare couple of days, so have finally read through your diary from start to finish.

Congratulations on both your financial and personal journey.

You have made great strides so keep doing what you have been. Oh and I am with you ref the purple boots, they would have come home with me too....:o

Oh hi Chev, welcome :j... everybody, it's the wise and lovely Chev who I see on Buffy's thread now and then :T

I suspect the diary gets a bit repetitive in places but yes, am getting there. Have just been at a scary meeting and then to do a bit more essay stuff today, and it's amazing how different things are to last year. I met up with a former-colleague friend for lunch and found myself actually saying 'but I don't care about the opportunities and grades and politics, I just want enough pay to have my own little place with a garden - so I might tell the South East to stick it and go somewhere the money would stretch further!' He looked at me oddly... and I don't care :rotfl: because now I am just being honest about what I want, never mind how anybody else chooses to spend their time. Progress

I horrified a friend yesterday by pointing out that the days are getting shorter now. But I dunno why people get upset about swopping sunburn and tourist crowds for boots, cashmere and cosy evenings reading funnily enough I will need another pair of boots this winter and am trying to keep some Clothes Challenge cash back for them! Red ones, ideally...


Rosa xx

ZTD

RosaBernicia wrote: »

I just want enough pay to have my own little place with a garden - so I might tell the South East to stick it and go somewhere the money would stretch further!' He looked at me oddly...

Ah, but why did he look at you oddly? Was it because it was something he could never countenance? Because it was something he thought you could never countenance? Or because he was convinced the penny would never drop?

RosaBernicia

ZTD wrote: »

Ah, but why did he look at you oddly? Was it because it was something he could never countenance? Because it was something he thought you could never countenance? Or because he was convinced the penny would never drop?

I think possibly both, but more on his side - he'd just talked about how he'd looked at jobs elsewhere but his wife didn't want to move, and I'd told him I thought they were mad as they'd get a much better quality of life elsewhere. I guess I keep forgetting that other people's definition is different.

I had also forgotten that it wouldn't at all surprise him if I did disappear out of the SE - because all the time I worked with him I was training for a field that has no money and no progression. And I had accepted that and it was still what I wanted. I only stopped it when I went for the masters, because I thought that would offer me security I would never have the opportunity for otherwise. Most of the people I knew up until 3 years ago knew this about me, and knew that I had made a choice to take my values and interest over a well paying career.

But I've spent so long balancing the need for security and money to pay my training fees with that wish, that perhaps I and others thought it was never going to really happen.

Now I am realistically close to getting DF, maybe it can.

And maybe I can go back to being the me who knew myself. I am much nicer to be around when I'm that way, instead of a constant nervous wreck forever assessing myself against others.


Rosa xx

RosaBernicia

I'm still feeling much better. In fact I seem to be recognising new things at a ridiculous rate and constantly thinking 'ohhh, so that's why I used to feel that way - how good that I don't any more!'. Which is marvellous both for the insights and for the fact that one of them is it's no longer necessary to beat myself up over everything :rotfl: . There are reasons I was the way I was, and most of them either weren't my fault or arose from trying to do my best. I so hope that now I can manage to stay happy - it's nicer for me and also for the world around me .

One of the loveliest things I've been thinking about is that really it doesn't matter what kind of achievement I make, so long as the root of it is right. I'm just as happy to be told that the cat looks well or the garden is much better as to hear that somebody liked my ideas at work. I'm much prouder of having helped someone in a difficult situation get back to working full time than of having got my name on certain documents. And I had a really good meeting today with two of my favourite people at work - and realised that if I were to stay on my current paycheque, be useful and get to work with people I like and respect, I'll still be happier than the extra grade could make me if it means I have to live somewhere I don't like and work with creeps. I knew this anyway but somehow had managed to forget it in all the muddle and worry.

It's about doing the right thing and doing it in the right way so as to hopefully make the world a tiny bit better than it was before. That's what I need to be able to do.

I don't often say it, because some people don't seem to understand it, or tell me I'm just being naive to try. But it seems that I'm miserable when I hide it. So *sniffle* I'm going back to being the proper me now. I hope I can stay with it, and not get distracted again, because I feel better now than I have done in about 3 years.

I forget who says the thing about 'if you can see your path clearly laid out in front of you then you know one thing - that's not your path' but that feels very relevant at the moment. I don't know quite where I'm going to end up, but I do feel much happier that just keeping walking will get me to the right place.


Rosa xx