A few months and several questions

RosaBernicia

Something has changed. Well, me probably.

I feel in a very different place to where I was this time last year. Much more secure, despite the bizarre job situation and not actually having finished the masters yet - just more secure in myself. Less need to prove anything or do everything.

Making progress on the debt is part of it, but also I think focusing on what I spend when, and knowing that there is an end really in sight, has helped me think more clearly about priorities. I'm not worried any more about my career progress because I earn sufficient now, if I can just get the debt cleared and start saving. The utter mess the health service is now in has shown me that anybody can be caught out by circumstances, however qualified or good you are - so you may as well do something you enjoy. I have to go to a scary work meeting next Tuesday morning... and then I'm going to walk out of it and go see someone about finishing the training I really wanted to do in the first place, and that got me into all this debt trying to do it while working full time to pay my fees. Because despite the weird path I have ended up taking in the process, I think it's still something that I want to be able to do.

I got ridiculously stressed this week - it's the most nerve-wracking time of year at work, and the point where I had the meltdown last year. I was still having to compensate for other people being useless and working well above my pay grade, and in fact this year I'm spread thin over three different projects instead of two. But the interesting bit this time was that I said I was taking TOIL immediately after the worst of it, and I really, really wanted it. I ended up giving up some of it, but took it the next day instead with no apology. I really, really just wanted to go home. Which is soooo good :j... because it means there is a me to go to outside work. A real me who is worth spending time with.

I also got really angry at the mess at work, and have actually concluded that it's gone far enough and I don't want to work there any more. That's quite a serious step for me - it's very important to me that I work somewhere that reflects my values, and up to now I believed people were trying even if they weren't achieving very well. I don't believe that any more. As with everybody else, there aren't a lot of options currently available and I need to know what job I will be offered in the new situation, so I won't be going anywhere for a few months, but I will be looking now that I've made the decision.

I was daydreaming/ thinking in bed this morning and had a sudden marvellous realisation that actually I WASN'T just daydreaming, most of the things I want to do are within reach!! :j, and just a question of taking step after step to get there. That's a huuuuge difference to where I was only 8 months ago when it seemed like I was stuck in a hole, waiting and working and begging for a stroke of luck to take me to the world where nice things happened. The really odd thing is that my actual dreams haven't changed... just my ideas of how to get them. I think I'm probably being more honest with myself about what I really want, which makes it easier to build more direct plans.

So I think there are probably going to be some changes in the wind, and that's OK. It's time, and I am ready.

The other thing that ought to be said is THANK YOU to MSE :money::A and all of you who stop by this diary :A :grouphug: - I think taking the time to reflect on things and being able to share the journey has been a definite part of the change. It's been rather more than the few months in the title, and I still haven't got to a couple of the questions, but I think I'll run this one for a couple more months and then see where a new thread might take us.


Rosa xx

RosaBernicia

Am still so excited to see that my sig only has four figures in the debt total :rotfl:

vasseur

What a lovely post Rosa. It's nice to get things down in print and you do sound much much happier these last few months.

ZTD

RosaBernicia wrote: »

Something has changed. Well, me probably.

I feel in a very different place to where I was this time last year. Much more secure, despite the bizarre job situation and not actually having finished the masters yet - just more secure in myself. Less need to prove anything or do everything.

Why did you ever feel the need to prove something?

RosaBernicia wrote: »

Making progress on the debt is part of it, but also I think focusing on what I spend when, and knowing that there is an end really in sight, has helped me think more clearly about priorities. I'm not worried any more about my career progress because I earn sufficient now, if I can just get the debt cleared and start saving. The utter mess the health service is now in has shown me that anybody can be caught out by circumstances, however qualified or good you are - so you may as well do something you enjoy.

Absolutely.

RosaBernicia wrote: »

I have to go to a scary work meeting next Tuesday morning...

Scary? No... Just do the usual and imagine them naked.

Be sure to take a fire-extinguisher in case your eyeballs catch fire.

RosaBernicia wrote: »

and then I'm going to walk out of it and go see someone about finishing the training I really wanted to do in the first place, and that got me into all this debt trying to do it while working full time to pay my fees. Because despite the weird path I have ended up taking in the process, I think it's still something that I want to be able to do.

Well absolutely MAKE SURE you can do it EASILY. No crushing yourself under stress - OK?

RosaBernicia wrote: »

I got ridiculously stressed this week - it's the most nerve-wracking time of year at work,

July?

RosaBernicia wrote: »

and the point where I had the meltdown last year. I was still having to compensate for other people being useless and working well above my pay grade, and in fact this year I'm spread thin over three different projects instead of two. But the interesting bit this time was that I said I was taking TOIL immediately after the worst of it, and I really, really wanted it. I ended up giving up some of it, but took it the next day instead with no apology.

Nor should you apologise.

RosaBernicia wrote: »

I really, really just wanted to go home. Which is soooo good :j... because it means there is a me to go to outside work. A real me who is worth spending time with.

There always was. You just needed to discover her.

RosaBernicia wrote: »

I also got really angry at the mess at work, and have actually concluded that it's gone far enough and I don't want to work there any more. That's quite a serious step for me - it's very important to me that I work somewhere that reflects my values, and up to now I believed people were trying even if they weren't achieving very well. I don't believe that any more.

How you found out that while you're carrying them, they're quite willing and able to like back like a dying swan?

RosaBernicia wrote: »

As with everybody else, there aren't a lot of options currently available and I need to know what job I will be offered in the new situation, so I won't be going anywhere for a few months, but I will be looking now that I've made the decision.

No harm in looking.

RosaBernicia wrote: »

I was daydreaming/ thinking in bed this morning and had a sudden marvellous realisation that actually I WASN'T just daydreaming, most of the things I want to do are within reach!! :j, and just a question of taking step after step to get there. That's a huuuuge difference to where I was only 8 months ago when it seemed like I was stuck in a hole, waiting and working and begging for a stroke of luck to take me to the world where nice things happened. The really odd thing is that my actual dreams haven't changed... just my ideas of how to get them. I think I'm probably being more honest with myself about what I really want, which makes it easier to build more direct plans.

It does.

RosaBernicia wrote: »

So I think there are probably going to be some changes in the wind, and that's OK. It's time, and I am ready.

The other thing that ought to be said is THANK YOU to MSE :money::A and all of you who stop by this diary :A :grouphug: - I think taking the time to reflect on things and being able to share the journey has been a definite part of the change. It's been rather more than the few months in the title, and I still haven't got to a couple of the questions, but I think I'll run this one for a couple more months and then see where a new thread might take us.

The questions will come in their own sweet time. You don't need milestones if you don't need a schedule.

RosaBernicia

*sidles out of corner*

Am avoiding looking at my current account. Suspect the planned £200 off overdraft is not going to happen this month!

£50 on cat stuff - all needed and using both offers and cashback. Another £10 on Primark throws for more cat hair blankets, worth doing as now those go in the wash with weekly bedding and towels and no need to wait for set to dry. Still to pay vet and microchip fees and need to buy wormer treatment. At least then should be stocked to eyeballs with all stuff cat related!

£30 on Fa7Fac3 dress I have been wanting for ages - it went on sale this week so big improvement on £45 but wasn't going to wait any longer as the 10s will sell out (did check online delivery but postage more than cancelled out Quidco).

OTOH trip next weekend cancelled and alternatives probably won't involve a hotel stay, so might shift £50 of money over from 'holiday' account. Also probably not taking another cat this month, as haven't made a decision about which one - so will just wait til right cat turns up, sadly the shelter are unlikely to run out of them.

N0ddle credit report now updated and shows electoral roll plus one CC closed. Still rated 2/5 though Next month should show small OD cleared and Yodafone contract gone.

Not much other news... bit more indication that my job will remain OK and in same place, but am getting so disappointed in certain people's behaviour will be looking at my options anyway. Still, am very grateful to have time to think about options as situation could be soooo much scarier. Tidied garden slightly and need to do more if if ever stops raining. And... event... exited Lu5h today without buying ANYTHING. (Took in 5 empties and got a freebie, but that doesn't count )


Rosa xx

vasseur

Doesn't sound too bad to me Rosa.

Good decision to wait for right cat. We have been offered a kitten and I am so tempted. DD would love it, I am more concerned about the ££££ aspect and logistics re nights out etc (sounds like I'm out all the time :rotfl:)

:T for waiting for the ff dress. Don't things feel so much nicer after you've waited for them and then got them in the sale?

Hope things sort them selves out work wise

RosaBernicia

Thanks Poles. The cat logistics here have worked out OK as I have one good friend just over the road, another moved nearby and one I don't know so well but who loves cats also near - so getting people to stop in hasn't been an issue. I have been adding up the costs though so if you could send you a spreadsheet - or you could just hang out on the Pet Care board which has been really helpful. And yes I do feel very virtuous about waiting for my dress

I am just crossing my fingers for work, it will be nice when I have a decision but as I'm pretty sure my role would stay similar and I'm told people doing similar work will stay at the same location, the likely result is I just stay for another year. There aren't enough jobs around to go looking too hard and this flat will do nicely for another year while I get DF. Interestingly though, work doesn't feel like a priority any more, just a means to pay bills. Feels like progress.


Rosa xx

lionheartedgirl

these are such lovely posts to read Rosa, lots resonating on lots of levels here, but I'm so glad you are feeling more settled despite the choppy waters at work.

don't know about you but I've found I feel a lot more settled since I got my animals, not sure if it's a coincidence or not

RosaBernicia

lionheartedgirl wrote: »

these are such lovely posts to read Rosa, lots resonating on lots of levels here, but I'm so glad you are feeling more settled despite the choppy waters at work.

don't know about you but I've found I feel a lot more settled since I got my animals, not sure if it's a coincidence or not

Hi LionHeartedGirl

I have been meaning to post that I seem to sleep much, much better now that I have the cat. Which is weird, because the little git usually wakes me up earlier than I would have before. But he goes to bed at a sensible time, which reminds me... and I have to leave time to feed him etc before work, quite apart from feeding him being a good reason to actually get out of bed whereas work just wasn't.

I do love not having an empty house, too - I always hated coming back to one, and now there is at least a furry to greet me. And I think having an animal gives you someone else to focus on - much healthier than sitting around with the same old things whirring around my head about me.

So I think probably not coincidence Hurrah for furry friends :T


Rosa xx

RosaBernicia

Hm, well here is when it's good to have this diary to keep me on track.

I've had a few days off that I wanted to use for master's essay. This has gone well in some ways and not so well in others.

I have got hardly any studying done, partly because the trip I was doing next weekend is cancelled so I've got that time to use, so went to an event with friends on Sunday. But that's not great as I do need to get on with things - I don't want to wind up in the state I got to last year.

However, I have done just about everything else that could be done... the house is clean, tidy, and reshuffled to allow the huge new cat litter box to fit in. This meant I had to rearrange a whole load of carp in the hallway and it's made me feel surprisingly good - all the carp that needs to be disposed of is now at least in one pile elsewhere. I shall start sorting it into charity, Ebay and rags over the next few weeks. I'm also up to date with washing etc so only have a bit of ironing to do and the garden is passable. Am beginning to think I may actually manage to do something with the allotment if I can face going round there in the autumn, but will probably have to take someone to hold my hand for the shock :rotfl:

I spent a good bit of the weekend asleep as was completely wiped out - I suspect partly work stress from the last couple of weeks, and also migrainey. Feeling much refreshed though. And have managed to eat a bit better - I tend to cook once I'm really settled somewhere and everything else is done, I think I wasn't feeling quite settled here with some of the boxes of carp being around. So hopefully that will get better.

Also, I did do one very scary thing today for the masters - I went through all the stacks of paper that I haven't touched since last year except to take them out of moving boxes. Split them into sensible piles and managed not to get too freaked out, which I am quite proud of. I have a lot of material there, but I also still have six weeks to get the thing done and plenty of annual leave. What's more, it doesn't have to be perfect... it only has to get done. Then I can have my freedom in September. Believe me, this is a big change from last year when I was somehow convinced that whatever I did wouldn't be good enough and it was all too late and everything was going to go horribly wrong. So, I did have a couple of moments where I sat back and took a breath, and I did sit and stroke the cat for a little while halfway through (and explain to him how scary this all was) but I've done it. I can do a little more organising tomorrow and Thursday night to get myself set up for getting properly into it on the weekend. And I refuse to even go there about how I could have got it done earlier - basically I couldn't, because I was still recovering. So it's FlyLady technique to get through it now - jump in where you are, and doing even 15 minutes is better than not doing anything.

Soooo that's my main goal for the next few weeks. Once it's out of the way, then I will be thinking about other goals. But I'm oddly proud of myself for doing this, because it's been hard - and that is a good feeling to be going on with - it's totally taking the focus off the outcome, which is probably helping.

So much has changed in the last few months, and so much is going to change in the next few!


Rosa xx