In Law family probems stressing me out!

VitaK

BugglyB wrote: »

Just one thing I wanted to say, for DH's Big Birthday, save yourself the stress and hassle of a big fuss, organise a lovely day for you, him and the kids just the small unit of you. Depending on finances you could take a trip to the seaside or have a lovely day at home with some little surprises.

Lovely idea.

I would continue to send cards and I would ask about the missing address next time you get the oppotunity.

gingin_2

I agree with Prince of Pounds. Where did the whole black sheep thing come from and are we really getting all of the story?.

I am sorry if that is not the case but are you sure that there is not some issue that needs to be resolved so that you can all move on.

luxor4t

Bunting wrote: »

....This site may be of interest to you:

www.ihatemyinlaws.com

It's based in the USA but some of the stories will make your hair curl.

:eek: makes mine seem almost normal ....:o

mrs_marty

Let them hang as they grow. If you remember the birthdays and christmas presents and make them welcome in your home, and they wish to be like that then let them get on with it.

With regards to hubby's birthday if you have a party invite them, with their current behaviour they might not turn up so won't spoil your evening with snide remarks, and removing the opportunity for them to say it was you cutting them out.

balletshoes

lotsofstuff1 wrote: »

I am posting as a newbie to avoid any further problems

I'll try to be short but i fear it may end up long

My DH has always been the black sheep of his rather large family he's the youngest of 7. I would say it started off like that from the very begining (he was told at a young age that he should have been a girl as thats the only reason his parents wanted another child!)
I could go into a lot more detail of the not so nice things his parents have said/done over the years but i won't.
This 'black sheep' thing has then rubbed off on myself and then later on when our children came along on them. So my point is we aren't the most popular within the family and often get left out of things.

Things had been reasonably stable for a few years, the in laws usually turned up at our house or phoned just before coming round at some point each weekend to apparantly see the kids. They seem to spend much of that time talking about how great other people are though and not saying much but hello to the kids. They would never make a special trip to see us they were always on their way somewhere else usually to see DH's brother and just popped in whilt passing.
We would occasionally be invited down to their house for dinner/xmas get together etc with the rest of the family. We occasionally did the same. We were ok with all this.

Then 8mths ago the same brother and wife had their first baby- we haven't seen FIL since and MIL has only popped my dd's birthday card round 2 days before her birthday. Never asked to see her or arrange to see the kids, no phone calls-nothing in that whole time. My dd is only 2 and 8mths is a long time for her not to see her grandparents.

Things are probably even worse with DH's brothers and sisters, we always send cards/presents to any of the neices/nephews and cards to his brothers/sisters on birthdays etc. Over the last few years we noticed that quite a few times someone forgot one of our kids birthdays alltogther. This has always been a bit irritating but have never said anything about it. This year however DH's got 1 birthday card out of 7 brothers/sisters. My dd got 1 card from the same sister/auntiie. My ds got 1 card again from the same sister/auntie.
All of his brothers/sisters live locally so i can't believe they can just forget their brothers birthday!

We don't even know where one of his brothers lives as he moved last year and despite DH asking he hasn't been told or even invited down to see the place. It's like they are all slowly cutting us out.

I will admit to not having much in common with most of them-they are all money oriantated (sp?) trying to compete against eachother for the best house/car how much overtime they have worked. Me and DH are happy with getting by and spending as much fun time with the kids as possible. They all like to go to 'child free' parties-we don't.

DH hasn't said much about any of it, i have tried to bring it up but he would rather just ignore that there is a problem and says he doesn't care. I suspect he does as i would be pretty upset if my parents suddenly showed no interest in my kids anymore just because my brother had a baby too.

All these family issues stress me out as it affects the kids obviously and i find it difficult to plan/buy for any of his family as essp this xmas as it stands it seems as though DH's family have forgotten us. Do i bother anymore to send cards and presents or give them the same treatment as we have had?
It's also DH's 'big birthday' next year and my family have been asking if i am doing anything special. I can't possibly orgainise something with his family the way they are. But doesn't feel right doing somthing with just my family as obviously it's his birthday not mine. Confused and stressed about this mess but DH has his head in the sand

Okay, I can totally understand you getting a bit upset about your kids being ignored in favour of other grandchildren, thats not nice - but it happens.

Not every family gives adult children or siblings cards on their birthday - I get on really well with all my siblings and we dont! I do text all of them happy birthday though, and usually get texts when its my birthday, except for my brother, he always forgets, but so what? Its not a big deal.

I think, as neither of you have asked your in-laws if they are stopping doing birthday/xmas presents and cards for the family, then this xmas you should do what you've always done. If you get nothing back, thats when you or your OH should be asking if theres been an agreement made, or should there be, that you're not doing it anymore, as a family.

Do you feel you need a formal invitation before you can go to your MILs home for a visit? How would you feel it would be received if you arranged a little visit for you and your kids to her instead of her coming to you?

Bottom line is, theres little point stressing out about it if none of you involved are prepared to ask the questions and find out whats behind the actions/non-action. You might be assuming things that aren't the case - you'll never know if you don't ask.

vintagebrighton

Wow, would you even want to know these people if they weren't related to you? Of course not. Plenty of families get along fine and plenty don't - sometimes there's just too much game playing and power stuff going on. Move on, sounds like they're not ideal extended family anyway and why would you want to subject your kids to that. x

January20

You should see your family as being you, your OH and your children. First and foremost. Is the problem that you have no family of your own ie parents and siblings? These people don't sound very nice but it's a large family getting larger with babies being born etc, so I think it's understandable that they forget birthdays etc. In any case, you wouldn't let them treat you like that if they weren't "family" would you? Sometimes blood is not thicker than water. You might be better off with no contact from them at all, rather than the continuous disappointment of not being accepted by them.

victory

VitaK wrote: »

I would continue to send cards .

Just out of curiosity and nothing more why do people always when a family dilemma come up say to continue sending cards, is that somehow touching base with an estranged family but not seeing them?

red_devil

lotsofstuff1 wrote: »

I am posting as a newbie to avoid any further problems

I'll try to be short but i fear it may end up long

My DH has always been the black sheep of his rather large family he's the youngest of 7. I would say it started off like that from the very begining (he was told at a young age that he should have been a girl as thats the only reason his parents wanted another child!)
I could go into a lot more detail of the not so nice things his parents have said/done over the years but i won't.
This 'black sheep' thing has then rubbed off on myself and then later on when our children came along on them. So my point is we aren't the most popular within the family and often get left out of things.

Things had been reasonably stable for a few years, the in laws usually turned up at our house or phoned just before coming round at some point each weekend to apparantly see the kids. They seem to spend much of that time talking about how great other people are though and not saying much but hello to the kids. They would never make a special trip to see us they were always on their way somewhere else usually to see DH's brother and just popped in whilt passing.
We would occasionally be invited down to their house for dinner/xmas get together etc with the rest of the family. We occasionally did the same. We were ok with all this.

Then 8mths ago the same brother and wife had their first baby- we haven't seen FIL since and MIL has only popped my dd's birthday card round 2 days before her birthday. Never asked to see her or arrange to see the kids, no phone calls-nothing in that whole time. My dd is only 2 and 8mths is a long time for her not to see her grandparents.

Things are probably even worse with DH's brothers and sisters, we always send cards/presents to any of the neices/nephews and cards to his brothers/sisters on birthdays etc. Over the last few years we noticed that quite a few times someone forgot one of our kids birthdays alltogther. This has always been a bit irritating but have never said anything about it. This year however DH's got 1 birthday card out of 7 brothers/sisters. My dd got 1 card from the same sister/auntiie. My ds got 1 card again from the same sister/auntie.
All of his brothers/sisters live locally so i can't believe they can just forget their brothers birthday!

We don't even know where one of his brothers lives as he moved last year and despite DH asking he hasn't been told or even invited down to see the place. It's like they are all slowly cutting us out.

I will admit to not having much in common with most of them-they are all money oriantated (sp?) trying to compete against eachother for the best house/car how much overtime they have worked. Me and DH are happy with getting by and spending as much fun time with the kids as possible. They all like to go to 'child free' parties-we don't.

DH hasn't said much about any of it, i have tried to bring it up but he would rather just ignore that there is a problem and says he doesn't care. I suspect he does as i would be pretty upset if my parents suddenly showed no interest in my kids anymore just because my brother had a baby too.

All these family issues stress me out as it affects the kids obviously and i find it difficult to plan/buy for any of his family as essp this xmas as it stands it seems as though DH's family have forgotten us. Do i bother anymore to send cards and presents or give them the same treatment as we have had?
It's also DH's 'big birthday' next year and my family have been asking if i am doing anything special. I can't possibly orgainise something with his family the way they are. But doesn't feel right doing somthing with just my family as obviously it's his birthday not mine. Confused and stressed about this mess but DH has his head in the sand

forget them and concentrate on your own little family.

jellyhead

You could send cards and gifts to (and maybe visit?) the sister who sends cards to him and your children. Unless she's been horrible in the past I don't see any reason to cut her out, even if you cut out the others? You could visit her, give her school photos of your kids, invite her kids to your kids parties etc.

Both of my parents have 7 siblings, and not all of them stay in touch. I don't think my mum gets a card off any of her siblings, not even on a 'big' birthday unless a party has been arranged. A couple of them send a christmas card. They all remember their mother on her birthday and mothers day, but there's nothing between the siblings. They do chat in the street etc. and see each other at gatherings, they don't hate each other. They are just indifferent to birthdays I think.

My stepdad's family would notice and feel wounded if anyone forgot a birthday card or gift for anyone, and if a visit was not possible then gifts would be left with the grandma but they would still call the birthday person on their birthday to say happy birthday.

Families are so different.