In Law family probems stressing me out!

lotsofstuff1

I am posting as a newbie to avoid any further problems

I'll try to be short but i fear it may end up long

My DH has always been the black sheep of his rather large family he's the youngest of 7. I would say it started off like that from the very begining (he was told at a young age that he should have been a girl as thats the only reason his parents wanted another child!)
I could go into a lot more detail of the not so nice things his parents have said/done over the years but i won't.
This 'black sheep' thing has then rubbed off on myself and then later on when our children came along on them. So my point is we aren't the most popular within the family and often get left out of things.

Things had been reasonably stable for a few years, the in laws usually turned up at our house or phoned just before coming round at some point each weekend to apparantly see the kids. They seem to spend much of that time talking about how great other people are though and not saying much but hello to the kids. They would never make a special trip to see us they were always on their way somewhere else usually to see DH's brother and just popped in whilt passing.
We would occasionally be invited down to their house for dinner/xmas get together etc with the rest of the family. We occasionally did the same. We were ok with all this.

Then 8mths ago the same brother and wife had their first baby- we haven't seen FIL since and MIL has only popped my dd's birthday card round 2 days before her birthday. Never asked to see her or arrange to see the kids, no phone calls-nothing in that whole time. My dd is only 2 and 8mths is a long time for her not to see her grandparents.

Things are probably even worse with DH's brothers and sisters, we always send cards/presents to any of the neices/nephews and cards to his brothers/sisters on birthdays etc. Over the last few years we noticed that quite a few times someone forgot one of our kids birthdays alltogther. This has always been a bit irritating but have never said anything about it. This year however DH's got 1 birthday card out of 7 brothers/sisters. My dd got 1 card from the same sister/auntiie. My ds got 1 card again from the same sister/auntie.
All of his brothers/sisters live locally so i can't believe they can just forget their brothers birthday!

We don't even know where one of his brothers lives as he moved last year and despite DH asking he hasn't been told or even invited down to see the place. It's like they are all slowly cutting us out.

I will admit to not having much in common with most of them-they are all money oriantated (sp?) trying to compete against eachother for the best house/car how much overtime they have worked. Me and DH are happy with getting by and spending as much fun time with the kids as possible. They all like to go to 'child free' parties-we don't.

DH hasn't said much about any of it, i have tried to bring it up but he would rather just ignore that there is a problem and says he doesn't care. I suspect he does as i would be pretty upset if my parents suddenly showed no interest in my kids anymore just because my brother had a baby too.

All these family issues stress me out as it affects the kids obviously and i find it difficult to plan/buy for any of his family as essp this xmas as it stands it seems as though DH's family have forgotten us. Do i bother anymore to send cards and presents or give them the same treatment as we have had?
It's also DH's 'big birthday' next year and my family have been asking if i am doing anything special. I can't possibly orgainise something with his family the way they are. But doesn't feel right doing somthing with just my family as obviously it's his birthday not mine. Confused and stressed about this mess but DH has his head in the sand

Mupette

Save your money and stop stressing...

really are they worth the upset.. no

dirtysexymonkey

what do you get out of staying in contact with them? a lot of stress and that's it. so why bother? they dont want anything to do with you, so why try and force it? dont make a big drama out of cutting them out of your lives, just ignore them and move on. be happy in your family. you cant force others to take an interest in you, and neither should you want to.

BitterAndTwisted

They don't sound like very nice people. I'd say that the idea stopping or easing off contact should be a relief. It would be to me.

mummyroysof3

if it was me i would stop worrying about it so much..send them xmas cards but no gifts. in regards to birthday next year if DH wants a party then arange them and post invitations to his family..their choice if they turn up or not. tbh you cant force them to have more to do with you, you mention them not coming for last 8months..have you rang and invited them in that time?

princeofpounds

What is the reason for the 'black sheep' thing? You kind of brush it over but it sounds like it is actually pretty fundamental to the whole situation. Whilst the inlaws probably started it with their raising of your husband and attitude since, I suspect that you too are both falling into playing this role.

I think you are also a little vague about what you actually want to achieve here. I am not in the camp of 'just cut off contact and forget them' - escalation is not necessary - but I do think that you do not need to feel bad about the 'naturally' low levels of contact. Having a good environment withing your own family is ten times more important.

BugglyB

I dont know what to advise about your whole situation, as it sounds horrible, and Im sure there isn't an easy solution.

Just one thing I wanted to say, for DH's Big Birthday, save yourself the stress and hassle of a big fuss, organise a lovely day for you, him and the kids just the small unit of you. Depending on finances you could take a trip to the seaside or have a lovely day at home with some little surprises.

That way you have control over what happens and you can make sure DH is surrounded by people who really love him. You just dont need the stress of organising a huge trip/party for people you don't like/dont get any help from!

If family really are insisting on something being organised, invite everyone to the pub for lunch and then people can come or not come as they see fit.

victory

Two wrongs don't make a right but having said that do not stress over it all as they do not over you, treat others as you would want to be treated, save your money, send cards, stress less, enjoy more:D

Desperado99

We're not related are we?

DH's family are just the same, except it's not especially a black sheep thing.... they're just not interested in us. His Dad will even drive past our house to visit his girlfriends children/grandchildren and not drop in. At xmas we go and visit his grandma, and the rest of his family leave our presents there so they don't actually have to see us. I've seen his dad once in the last 5 years, and I haven't seen MIL for nearly 10 years (although that's our choice for a whole other reason)

But, TBH I'm not really fussed (and neither is DH). Surprisingly DH actually has more contact with his mum (we were totally cut off for 5 years) than anyone else, because she calls him every week.

What does DH want to do for his big birthday? He might not want a big party (we went on holiday for my last 'big' one as the idea of a surprise party makes my blood run cold).

This site may be of interest to you:

www.ihatemyinlaws.com

It's based in the USA but some of the stories will make your hair curl.

Threebabes

Another one with a similar story though DH has less siblings. We are trying to cut them out of our life, they do nothing but upset me. The lies we have been told, the occasions we don't get invited to. So we are trying our hardest not to see them at all, havent seen the inlaws since last xmas. MIl rang me the other week and I picked up thinking it was Dh and I got one dig after another, so it reaffirmed why we have as little to do with them as possible. Move on, life is too short. :-)

*Louise*

DH's brother is the same, they never want anything to do with us, DD was 10mths old before they bothered to come and see her. We used to visit for every child's birthday but they didn't bother about us so about 3 years ago I stopped making the effort and now just send a card and cheque for the kids. Life is much easier since I stopped worrying about it.

OP - unless your DH wants to do something about it then there's not much you can do. If it really doesn't bother him, then get on with your own lives and to heck with the rest of them. They will regret it in the long run, especially the grandparents.