Problems with my husband again

maggirl

He sets off for work at 7am and is in work by 8. he gets to leave work at 4pm but sometimes he doesnt get home until 6.30...I know he does sometimes have later meetings that take him into rush hour travel. If he was up to something he would have to do it at the end of the day, or take afternoons off. I have no way of finding this out.

I agree i dont understand the via"ra. At first I was more angry that he was wasting £60 on something stupid like that!!

to be honest our physical relationship is rubbish, I'm not attracted to him at the moment for all sorts of reasons, mainly because im disguted at finding him ordering stuff from the internet and havent been able to forget this, and the more of this sort of nonsense he does the less inclined I am to go near him. Im working long hours at the moment and am very tired a lot, I so we are not having much physical contact I admit this. He is always hassling me and grabbing me, poking and prodding at my chest etc quite often when I am busy..not romantically, just like an annoying teenager....like when I am doing the washing up! He is much bigger than me and sometimes I just have to stuggle to get away which really winds me up when I make it clear Im not interested!.....yet he doesnt come to bed early-he is happy to stay up late drinking and watching films.

When he grabs me and tries to cuddle me he often does this in front of DD and usually at an awkward time or when im doing something. She isnt stupid and is growing up and is starting to be more aware of what he is going on about, but she has to witness me pushing him away. I wish he woudnt do this in front of her or talk about having s"x in front of her, even when he just alludes to it she is clued up enought to guess what he is on about. .I've told him time and time again to shut up about it and not get into discussions about our physical relationship when she is around...he does this all the time like when I'm putting my coat on to go out to work! and if I say stop it Im busy he just persists or just goes on and on about s*x all the time, almost trying to get me to "diary" it in! he does this all the time, sometimes up to 20 times per day, its just getting so annoying and is a vicious circle as the more he does it, the more he puts me off. i just dont understand the medication thing, or the jelly, what is he trying to say?? He is 42 by the way. I'm 40.

So i wouldnt say he has a problem with libido.

[Deleted User]

I agree that 'dodgy' things are going on. U know that deep down.

I was scared of splitting with my ex.., but when I started thinking about the things that would be better if he left (knowing where I stood financially, not being lied to anymore, not feeling like a mug every time I looked at him, being able to relax more, laughing again etc etc) I felt a lot more able to get him to move out. It was a long process., but I totally did the right thing.

He did exactly the same thing about s*x. I lost all respect for him in the end and it was a no no as far as I was concerned. I just didn't want to. Ever heard the term 'passive aggression'? It can be just as demoralising as other forms of abuse and that's what I hear when I read your posts..., someone whose been ground down.

Remember, you are not his mum. With some men.., the light bulb never goes on.

Lotus-eater

So he wants sex, but your relationship isn't giving him any and he's incapable of getting it good enough to get any.

I don't like the talking in front of your daughter, cuddling isn't wrong of course, but I don't know how far he goes.

It does sound a bit of a mess, he is obviously getting his kicks from doing something, you just don't know what it is.

I would suggest a big sit down and talk, if you could get him to do it.

vintagebrighton

You know deep down that something isn't right. Listen to your instincts. His pestering for sex at inappropriate times is bullying behaviour and my guess is, if you said 'ok lets do it now' he'd back out immediately. Maybe I'm wrong but he doesn't need much time to do the dirty in odd places IYSWIM........... (internet, condoms, viagra, not much time? Think about it) This isn't about what sex he does or doesn't get at home, this is about lack of trust, intimacy and respect. For goodness sake, he doesn't respect you enough to stop pestering you in front of your DD? Be honest with yourself and communicate with him if you can get him to. Good luck x

richardw

maggirl wrote: »

....he gets to leave work at 4pm but sometimes he doesnt get home until 6.30...I know he does sometimes have later meetings that take him into rush hour travel. If he was up to something he would have to do it at the end of the day, or take afternoons off. I have no way of finding this out.

Does he travel in his car?

suited-aces

Firstly, viagra wouldn't be to generate desire, its for when the desire is there but the blood flow isn't.

Secondly, if he's not having an affair, your best attempts to keep the marriage sexless should soon sort that.

pearl123

OP - your lack of interest in him/sex needs to be addressed. Either you want your relationship with you partner to work or not. Whilst he's grabbing you he's still interested, but it appears you are not? And yes a man in his 40's could need viagra.
I must admit the ky jelly and condoms do sound a bit fishy! But you just need to sit down with your partner and have a very honest chat about everything including finances.

Mupette

i think he is trying to tell you something...

who leaves a box lying around with condoms in there... especially when you have children around.

OP you say you know the hours he works, what if he is on reduced hours and hasnt told you....

the_cat

You appear from your posts to have been unhappy for a long time. There are a variety of problems which despite 3 years of trying you have been unable to resolve. Things hve festered and I doubt very much if he is happy either. Do you think he is trying to leave stuff around deliberately to provoke you into leaving (or at least to bring the issues out in the open)? It would have to be a VERY stupid man who would leave the amount of clues that he has if he was indeed having and affair and trying to keep it a secret.

Either way, I understand you being scared of change. But think for a few moments about the other possibiliy...... that things don't change. That you are still in this position 10 years from now, unhappy and unfulfilled. Surely that is a much scarier prospect?
I'm not saying that you should leave, although that may be the answer you decide on. But you cannot go on swallowing down your feelings and giving him the benefit of the doubt when you quite obviously don't really believe there is a doubt, just a lack of proof

BitterAndTwisted

He sounds absolutely horrible so I can understand quite well why you wouldn't want to be intimate with him. Being grabbed and pestered like that in front of your child would disgust me. And he's not just watching adventure movies when he's downstairs on the computer on his own. Oh no, he is not. He's left you quite enough clues and if you aren't willing to talk this through and get it all sorted then don't.

If you're unhappy and cannot see a way of making things better or even want to try just make your decision and get him to leave. He's the one with debts and you are not so you should be able to cope with running a home on your own.