Problems with my husband again

maggirl

I have been unhappy in my marriage for over 3 years now. a lot of the problems were caused by financial worries and after a lot of hard work and sacrifices I have managed to get debt free myself. My husband still has significant debt (in his own name) and is on a DMP. Even though he is on a DMP he hasnt had his lightbulb moment and when he gets money he continues to spend it on treats and gadgets...I could bail him out but I have done this so many times in the past and wasted thousands of pounds paying off his debts, only for him to run them up again that I just dont feel like helping him again. I have some small savings now but I want to keep this for our DD who is growing up quickly.

We dont have a mortgage and are living in a rented house, lease is in my name only as he has such a terrible credit record.

In January I caught him looking at a dodgy dating site, one where married people look for "fun" with no ties, that sort of thing. He denied that he was looking and said he had got to the site "by accident" as he was looking for an old friend on facebook!!

I went mad at him, but things calmed down and i thought he was just ebing stupid. To be honest I dont know when he would have time to meet someone as he works long hours and is always with us on a weekend and evening and never goes out or travels away.

Anyway a few weeks later I found a small box near the sofa with condoms in it. Again, he denied this and said that they were from ages ago, one incident where we did have to buy condoms together as I had forgotten to take my pill. he said he had just put them in the box for safekeeping....I couldnt dispute this so let it lie.

Then just before the summer I had to go in his work bag to get out some fruit that was smelling like it was going bad! In the same pocket as the fruit were around 6 condoms. I kept an eye on this for a few weeks, checking every day, but they didnt seem to be used. As it was a hidden pocket he would have known that I had gone in his bag and I knew he would just use the same excuse as before.

Then a month or two ago I found out by accident that he had ordered Viag"a from a dogy internet site. He claimed that this was because he was having "problems" and said he hadnt gone through with the order and gone to see the doctor instead. Again, I went mad with him, again he denied t and I didnt have any proof.

Yesterday I was in the kitchen and saw a bag of what I thought was shopping, started to unpack it and found jelly (ky) ...

I confronted him and he denied he was having an affair. He tried to come up with a rubbish excuse that he had sore skin around the groin area a few weeks ago and bought it to help with the chaffing.

Im just disgusted with him. He denies having any sort of affair or doing anything dodgy. The only thing that makes me believe him is that he is either at work (and i know he does work) or with us at home. He is now being really nice to me, talking about going out for a meal tomorrow etc etc

i just dont know what to do.

RedBern

You've been unhappy for 3 years, he won't take responsibility and grow up and manage his finances, leaving you to worry about your daughter, and now he's upsetting you by appearing to be squandering more money on stuff which suggests he may be either playing away or considering it?

What do you think you should do?

Good luck - (and tell him to make sure the door doesn't hit him on the backside as he leaves.):)

Kira000

I guess it IS possible that he is telling the truth, but from my experiences, there is no smoke without fire, and gut instincts are often right in some way. It seems an AWFUL lot of co-incidences of things you are getting the wrong end of the stick on. As for the "he's always working or at home" alibi. Well yes, maybe, but people can be very devious when they want to be. I believed my Ex OH when he said he wasnt cheating for exactly that reason, and caught him out a year later.
Regardless of whether he is cheating however, there is a fundamental issue in the relationship, which is that you can no longer trust him- both because of his money behaviour, and dubious excuses for things. I applaud you for sorting your debt issues out, and wish i had left my ex OH before he lumbered me with his financial mess when i kicked him out for cheating. You have made progress, had the light bulb, and you have your DD to think of. Only you know if you think your relationship is salvageable or even worth salvaging, but i would be thinking long and hard about if he is the right thing for you and DD in the long run. Nice meals and nice words are fine, but if they dont resolve the issues, then really, are they worth anything at all? I stayed with my Ex OH, probably 2 years after i started to realise he wasnt going to change and was making me unhappy, as i listended to the "sorries", "i dont know why i do it", "i doidnt mean anything by it", "You are overreacting", " i'll stop" etc etc, and it was only the great big smack in the face of catching him in the act that made me call it quits for good.

Good luck..

grey_lady

Well you can stay and be unhappy, miserable and let him have his affairs. Or you can leave and hopefully find happiness a bit down the line.

Up to you.

paddy's_mum

If you still have some feeling for him and want to repair the marriage, why not sit him down and make it as clear as you know how to that what's being damaged is your trust. Without trust, you have nothing and even a thick husband can surely work out what the next step is likely to be?

Unless of course he is as unhappy in the marriage as you are and is actually trying to force your hand by leaving these clues for you to find.

Silence won't get either of you anywhere - the two of you must start communicating, for the sake of your child if for no other reason. Good luck.

maggirl

Thanks everyone. I have a rare day off work today just to potter around the house and think about things. I know he will never agree to an amicable seperation as he has too much to lose.

I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt which i always do. its just a bit depressing, I am scared to be on my own and just dreading all the chaos of seperating from him. I just think this is the final straw. He can explain away everything but it just all seems to add up to him being up to SOMETHING.

djdido2

I would try and investigate further and see if you can get any solid proof, then act upon your findings. If he is cheating, you should put your foot down, you deserve better.

peachyprice

There's definitely something a bit wierd going on, but some things just don't make sense.

If he's having an affair that's new and exciting why whould they need viagara and ky?

How old is your husband if you don't mind me asking?

Lotus-eater

peachyprice wrote: »

There's definitely something a bit wierd going on, but some things just don't make sense.

If he's having an affair that's new and exciting why whould they need viagara and ky?

How old is your husband if you don't mind me asking?

Well KY can be needed for normal sex, especially with condoms.

But agreed, something weird is going on.

OP, how do you know he's definitely at work all the time?

ItchyFeet

Your marriage isn't a court of law - you don't have to have undeniable proof that he's being unfaithful. What will it take - photos? From the information you've given it definately sounds like he's playing away to me. Maybe not affairs as such, but perhaps casual sex with different partners? That would also mean he wouldn't need so much time to account for.

Dorisx

For me the opening line 'I have been unhappy in my marriage for 3 years now' said enough to me to make me think 'she shouldn't be with him' ... I know marriages are hard work, I know you have to put alot of effort in and you shouldnt leave at the first sign of trouble - but 3years of unhappiness? Really? I personally think that is far to long to be unhappy in a relationship - the quicker you end it the quicker you can start looking towards a new happy life!

Good Luck!xx