Complicated - flatmate / relationships! Help!

3v3

anon87 wrote: »

Thank you guys, its a bit of a tricky one to be honest!

My one friend is agreeing with new cook but ideally I want to take things bloody bloody slowly which I'm not sure if it's possible if we were flat mates? I guess we'd have to stick to the seperate rooms thing and be regimented?

I know I can look for flat shares, but to be honest the idea of living on my own scares me enough (went straight from home to hubby) let alone with strangers! I've never been in this position before!!

I cannot help but wonder which is most prevalent in your mind? The fear of living on your own, or, the fear of diving into a relationship with someone who you planned to flat share with?

In your initial post, you speak of how *he* feels, and how your friend interprets things; but little of how *you* feel?

My advice would be to tell him: I want the flat-share (pragmatic) but I'm still adjusting to my sense of self/emotions and at this point, flat sharing is all I am committing to!

That way, you acknowledge the pragmatic need, but do not commit to any emotional/sexual/relationship contract. Then, if you acknowledge any feelings/desire for him, you are in a position to progress, but, only if he is like minded.

In reality: living with someone (as a flat-share or relationship!) is a very clear experience of whether you could endure that person on a long term basis!!!! :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

If it is "slowly slowly catchy monkey" which is your reason for flat sharing, I'd say, think twice!

If it is a pragmatic, flat share for economic reasons, I'd say, go ahead.

If it is a combo: I'd say, suck it and see! At best, it will be an experience to draw upon (at worst: it will mean a broken heart for someone ... but, still and experience to draw upon ).

Errata

anon87 wrote: »

Thank you guys, its a bit of a tricky one to be honest!

My one friend is agreeing with new cook but ideally I want to take things bloody bloody slowly which I'm not sure if it's possible if we were flat mates? I guess we'd have to stick to the seperate rooms thing and be regimented?

I know I can look for flat shares, but to be honest the idea of living on my own scares me enough (went straight from home to hubby) let alone with strangers! I've never been in this position before!!

I think you need to learn to stand on your own two feet and share accommodation with someon you aren't emotionally dependant on as you have been with your parents and then OH. You need to find out who you are, and living independently without 'in-house' emotional support will enable you to do that.

scheming_gypsy

If you move in as flat mates you're just going to try and catch a glimpse of each other as you come out of the shower and because you like each other you'll both play up to it. Then you'll end up getting wasted one night, he'll smash your back doors in, you'll get all emotional, then you'll have a heart to heart and decide that neither of you are getting any younger and you both want it so you should go for it. You'll fall asleep on his chest then in the morning you'll worry about how you tell your ex because he might think it was going on when you were together... yada yada yada and you both live happily ever after.... the end.

MrsE_2

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

If you move in as flat mates you're just going to try and catch a glimpse of each other as you come out of the shower and because you like each other you'll both play up to it. Then you'll end up getting wasted one night, he'll smash your back doors in, you'll get all emotional, then you'll have a heart to heart and decide that neither of you are getting any younger and you both want it so you should go for it. You'll fall asleep on his chest then in the morning you'll worry about how you tell your ex because he might think it was going on when you were together... yada yada yada and you both live happily ever after.... the end.

I think this is spot on:rotfl:

Taadaa

Sigh, this is so romantic. I love this story.

Clearly I am no help whatsoever, sorry!!

Welshwoofs

Personally, if you're thinking about having a relationship with the guy then moving in with him straight away may not be the smartest of moves. If it all goes t!ts up because you've got that added pressure of living with someone you've only just started dating, it could be that in the aftermath you end up losing a valuable friendship.

I think I'd decide whether you want to live with him as friends, or live with people you don't know and start off a romantic relationship with this guy on a footing that's not quite as loaded.

Seanymph

perhaps a good starting point would be to talk to each other without an interpreter in case it's gaining or losing something in translation.

But then, I'm old fashioned like that - if I'm discussing having a relationship with the guy I'm about to share a flat with (so therefore in effect living with my boyfriend) I like to be in the position of a) having actually seen if he's any good at kissing/in the bedroom (sorry, but there you go) and b) having spoken to him MYSELF about whether or not we like each other ......... and in an ideal world c) having been on a date or two.

Perhaps start with a conversation, if that works out throw in a date, have a go at seeing how he snogs (and believe me I've abandoned some relationships at that stage!) - and eventually drag the guy between the sheets to see if it's something you want to repeat. If all THAT works out then live with him.

Moving in with someone as a boyfriend after a few lingering glances is a bit too Mills and Boon for me. Sounds exciting, but probably destined for failure.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

3v3 wrote: »

I'd say, suck it and see! At best, it will be an experience to draw upon (at worst: it will mean a broken heart for someone ... but, still and experience to draw upon ).

:eek:, don't think they're at that stage, yet. :rotfl:

threemuttleys

[Deleted User] wrote:

Hi,



:eek:, don't think they're at that stage, yet. :rotfl:

See, now my PC is wearing my tea.:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

split_second

tell him then decide from there