At the end of my tether with work...but can I leave?

chrisvaldez

Hi all, in a bit of a pickle!

I don't earn much, barely enough to cover my side of the bills and pay off my student debts. My wife earns a large chunk more than me and has never made me feel dependant or guilty...she's been an absolute rock.

However, in the last year at my place of work, the atmosphere has become very toxic, to the point where I have been off twice in the last twelve months with stress. I am a supervisor and I have seen very malicious texts and emails sent about me....purely because it appears to have been my turn to receive the systematic bullying that passes from person to person in the department. Recently, this was made worse by me having to report some misconduct that has made me their number 1 enemy!

I am truly at the end of my tether with my job; occupational health have been useless, and I have apparently used up my counselling allowance so all they are offering me is phone counselling! Add this to my current financial worries, and suspected arthritis, things have just boiled over.

Several times recently I have suggested to my wife that I quit my job as it is affecting my mental health. I have also advised that I could easily find a driving job and supplement my income with the regular mystery shops and web design that I do. However, she is not pleased with the idea as she is worried about the possibility that I may not so easily find work (which I can understand) or that it would be worse paid than my current role, leaving her to bring in most of the income and possibly have to cover the both of us financially. This is a regular argument we have and it ends up with her in tears which kills me to see, but at the same time I feel I am close to cracking at work. Currently, the thought of going back in next week makes me feel physically sick, but I have to as I don't want my wife thinking I am trying to put all of this on her. She also thinks I am resenting her for not being happy about what I want to do, which is also not the case!

My wife has said it's not up to her and that I have to do what will make me happy, but in a weird way, this making her unhappy will make me unhappy too! That said, I can find alternate work and jsut have the financial worries (as I do now!) rather than financial worry AND feeling completely isolated.

What do I do?! Please, also remember I really am here for help and advice...not judgement.

GlasweJen

You could always look for a new job and quit when you have one?

Remember if you give up a job then they can sanction any benefit claims you make.

whitewing

Find the alternate job first. And still be cautious - don't burn your bridges by acting unprofessionally - as some people are handing in their notice only to find the new job being revoked.

chrisvaldez

GlasweJen wrote: »

You could always look for a new job and quit when you have one?

Remember if you give up a job then they can sanction any benefit claims you make.

This is true. The only problem is that I am actually feeling sick at the thought of going in to work, part of the reason I am signed off right now. I don't know how much longer I can actually stick it!

Birdie85

I agree with the other posters, look for a new job before quitting, that's what most people do after all, I'm far too cautious to give up one job without knowing where my next paycheck is going to come from!

Life is too short to be in a job you hate, especially if it is making you ill. Your wife might be a little more understanding of your situation if she saw you making an effort to find a new job rather than just packing this one in and then spending the next few months out of work.

RichGold

If you know who is at the heart of the systematic bullying within your workplace, deal with it. By fair means or whatever means would be sufficient to curtail their actions.
Give as good as you get and they'll soon back off.

j.e.j.

It might be worth printing off the malicious texts and emails. If they're daft enough to put things like that in writing then you'll have a record of it and could possibly pursue it legally at a later stage.

But as to whether or not to quit.. it's sensible advice to look for another job first. BUT having said that, your mental health IS important, and maybe if you show your wife that you're serious about finding other sources of income she might come round. So for example, rather than saying something vague like "I can get some driving work..", maybe apply for something or at least make some concrete enquiries (that's if you're well enough to do so at the moment?)

Blue_Monkey

Birdie85 wrote: »

Life is too short to be in a job you hate, especially if it is making you ill. Your wife might be a little more understanding of your situation if she saw you making an effort to find a new job rather than just packing this one in and then spending the next few months out of work.

I totally agree, you need to use the current job for an income whilst you look for something else. You sound like you've mentally checked out anyway, and as bad as it sounds when you get to that point it's kind of easier to face the day-to-day as you know it won't be forever.

The bit in bold resonated with me.... I'm the main breadwinner in our family, and my OH is self-employed so his income as more sporadic and I get twitchy when he doesn't think long-term in term of what work he's got coming up... The difference with us is that I dislike my job (due to my boss more than anything) and he loves his... But - I'm about to go on maternity leave, so he is going to need to priortise things differently unless he wants me panicking about him leaving it to the last minute to find his next few weeks of work!

So I guess my point is - get yourself a plan, don't do anything rash. Talk to your wife and tell her you've decided to leave, but won't be handing your notice in and that you've found X, Y and Z to apply for.

Also, what are yours and your wife's longer term personal and career aspirations? My career is going to have to take a backburner whilst we start our family, which kind of worries me because I bring most of the money in, if my career stalls for a bit, we'll find it harder financially to "progress" because OH's doesn't and won't ever pay as well as mine. So I feel a certain amount of pressure in terms of balancing my career (ie I'll need to stay with my company for maternity benefits and flexibility even though I hate my boss) with my new role as a mummy. I would love to be able to rely on OH's salary and not have to feel pressured into going back to my horrid boss, but that's not a luxury I have. I don't resent him for that, it's just the way it is, so I wonder if your wife feels like some of her choices are perhaps somewhat negated by you choosing to leave your job?? ie - she doesn't have the luxury of leaving her job because she's the one with the stable, higher income....

Keep talking to her, and as I say, get a plan sorted and I reckon she'll feel more comfortable and able to support you.

Good luck!

Brighton_belle

You have my sympathy OP,it is no fun losing your health and being filled with utter dread at the prospect of returning to that place of work. My own opinion, without knowing you at all, is that if you leave it too much longer your health may deteriorate past a point where a return to full health is very very difficult and prolongeed. So while I completely understand other posters suggesting looking for another post first, it may be you don't have time on your side here.
Stress,anxiety,depression, burnout are extremely debilitating and unaddressed in the earlier stages may casue bigger problems for you. I'd take the phone couselling that is on offer - better than nothing. Can you continue to be signed off work sick? Do you belong to a union?

I also understand your DW point of view, but with my own life experience, I would be telling my DH to quit, while needing him, for my own anxieties re money, to show how active he was in looking for other employment and how much he was going to take over at home to compensate etc.

Mystery shoppings are not that easy to come by. How realistic are the driving jobs. Can you apply for a xmas postie job (depending how bad the arthritis is) to tide you over. Only you can say how realistic getting another job is at the moment.

Not an easy situation at all.

Little_Ole_Me

Hi OP

I am in a similar situation, as in working in a toxic enviroment and really want to quit. I won't though until i find something else

Weird_Nev

Work to live, don't live to work.
Nothing is worth your physical and mental health.

Your wife may not be super-happy with the idea of you quitting, but how happy will she be with supporting you as an emotional wreck?

Find a job that doesn't shred you, and TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK.