The Buffy buys a House diary.......

thevinternet

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

hello

I do Toluna, Valued opinions and you gov (although they take AGES). I am going to join some more through topcash so I shall let you know. I used to do Ciao but don't get any anymore and I am sure toluna joined up with another one(TNS?) I must sort through my old log ins.

That's really helpful, thanks so much. I don't mind if it takes ages, at least I can use my internet browsing time productively!

How is the mouth today? Was it an abscess? I had one of those once when my wisdom teeth were coming through and it absolutely killed, I felt like ripping my own jaw off for some relief!!

I hate tidying up too. The only way I get through it is by setting a timer...I do 10 mins of tidying (I stop dead when the timer stops), then treat myself to 10 mins of something I like (at the moment that is erm, watching Prisoner Cell Block H on Youtube ). I repeat this for two hours, by which time I've done an hour's tidying. It all seems much more bearable when you know you only have to do a few minutes at once!

Buffythedebtslayer

Morning

I woke up early this morning and then thought I go back to bed. Big mistake. Ended up waking up a bit later feeling awful!

Moneywise thank God we get paid tomorrow! I am overdrawn due to dentist. My mouth is really hurting. really hurting. Havent been overdrawn in so long.

In other news my plans yesterday went to pot because my sis and her bf came round and mum wanted me to come and say hello, since "all" I was doing was sorting a pile in the conservatory whilst watching a DVD (it was such a pleasant five minutes) I couldn't really say no..............so then it was a grim boring afternoon. I try to make conversation but I feel like I m entertaining people at an Old People's home, you know some being polite some wondering why that woman is shouting so loudly......Oh Saturdays are so !!!!ing grim here. I have to (and normally do) go out but equally hate feeling that I "have" to go out.

It has been like this for years but I think it is only in the last year I have realised it isn't going to change? I don't know if it makes sense but here goes, you know when you are a child and lots of new things happen, you learn stuff see new things, but then there is a rhythm to life (birthdays, holidays, christmas, easter, etc) and as you get older the new things aren't new anymore, you don't go on adventures to aunt's houses or go for walks (very adventurous) with the Dog to new places or explore the beautiful block of flats next door to your grandad's flats.

Slowly there aren't new bits, (obviously there are but you are too busy doing the old stuff to notice)some of the old bits of your life fall away people come and go and for a while as you are an adult and have bills to pays and jobs to go to and that is fine you like the security and its easy. That is the crux of it, it is easy. The whole thing is sort of old and new, you have all these possibilities but actually I think most of us do the "norm".

And then something happens. A Bad something, in my case losing my Dad. Your safe cosseted little world where you are in control and you decide how much something hurts you disappears and is replaced by the same world but different. I guess that is when you grow up?

Anyhow life gets back to some kind of rhythm and so you carry on. Then because your view of the world has shifted you know that it doesn't have to be like that. And slowly you wonder what could happen......

That is why I got out of debt, started a Masters and learnt to drive (my new adventures)
There are other changes too, most only noticeable to me and some I don't write about here. I think the thing I struggle with is that my sister's life hasn't changed at all. she has the same routine she has always had. Now clearly that is her choice and I have to let it go but when confronted with it like yesterday I do think what a waste. I know it could have changed you know she could be doing allsorts of things and I just don't know but I really don't think so. Mum doesn't think so either.

I could !!!!!! off round the world and come back and still her life would be the same. It is a different reaction to the same set of circumstances. I find it really interesting. And frustrating for her cos I do worry that she will wake up and wonder where her life went.
But you can't live someone else's life for them.

Any how aside from that ramble I had a row with my friend of 7 years at the start of last week and it seems the relationship is irrepairable. I have done all I can I feel and must now move on. HOwever I really never knew how painful it was to lose a female friend, Mostly mine have gone slowly, no row just drifted and in many cases when we meet it is lovely.

I had only experienced these feelings - ie heart break because of men but it has been a learning experience to think actually this losing of a friendship hurts just as much. I think part of it is that although I feel I am right (don't we all!) it isn't a comfort now I know she is gone from my life and I know that the relationship is over.

Mind you it may make me reassess my "issues" with men - blimey how poncy can one person get on a Sunday morning.


talking of which if I don't get a shift on nothing will get done. All steps to moving out must be completed!

xxxxx

ms_london

Hi Buffy

How are you? Just found your diary, but haven't read it all as yet - how is it going?

Sounds like we are in similiar circumstances, I have just started saving for a deposit (will be buying somewhere on my own) - and boy it is tough. How on earth I managed to have the patience to clear my £19,000 of debt all those years ago, I have no idea!

Sorry to hear your Sunday morning is a bit poncy, haha - know what you mean.

I will read the full diary, but how is your bid for freedom going? xx

thevinternet

How's tricks Buffy? Had a good few days?

Buffythedebtslayer

Honestly it seems to have been quite !!!!!

The car is going to cost money cos I am a prat.

WOrk is well, I feel awful complaining about having a job when so many don't have one but it is BAD. Hence not being here much.

And it won't get any better.

Plus the dentist is going to be more expensive then I thought.

I will be back at the weekend and will have some kind of plan beyond surviving.



xx

Lemon_Tree

hi Buffy thought i'd leap in as you're at the start of a new diary, probably been years since i've delurked on your threads lol
i'm also saving to increase a deposit and have my flat on the market in the hope of getting our dream house.

thevinternet

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

WOrk is well, I feel awful complaining about having a job when so many don't have one but it is BAD. Hence not being here much.

And it won't get any better.

Oh bless you - I am always moaning about work on my diary, feel free to moan away I say! Hope things improve soon.

Buffythedebtslayer

Hi guys,

I think I am going through some mass unhappiness thing. I just feel like I can't get anything right adn there is so much to do. I don't know what I am doing wrong and I hate feeling sorry for myself but that is where I am.

The funding for the Masters is being cut so the last part is going to cost me 1800 pounds. The car is costing 300 pounds to fix my car......I do have or rather will have the money but the dentist, well to be honest I think I have been ripped off. It *could* cost up to 4000 pounds. I have literally just got out of debt. I could stop treatment and am going for a second opinion but I tonight obviously I don't know what that will be.

As well as that Work is just awful, day in day out awful. I need to quit my other job but that would (with the above) keep me in debt again and limit the amount I could save long term and also I do actually enjoy it at times, at the moment the main job is overwhelming. I know being unhappy is a problem that needs solving. I hope tonight is as low as I get. I think it is a combination of the winter drawing in (seems constantly dark) Mum being home, work being hell, losing a good friend, another good friend being a !!!!!! and there just not being any way out of anything that I can see right now.

I am shattered and spoiling for a fight, feel so flipping sensitive and fragile. Am going to bed.

xxxxx

Chocforever

Sorry to read that you are feeling so low You have got an awful lot going on right now and many reasons to feel overwhelmed.

I too have spent a lot of money at the dentist, but two years down the line, I can see it was money well spent and should stop me getting any problems over the next 10 years or so. It took a few weeks/months for the pain and sensitivity to wear off and I can remember wondering whether I had done the right thing since they didn't hurt all the time before I had the work done! But it did go away and has been fine since. In my case, the morals of the story were that I should have looked after them better in the past, it may have been easier if I had spread the dental work over a few months instead of getting it all done asap and I got rid of a dentist that I suspected wasn't very good and indeed he wasn't. I think you are being very wise getting a second opinion to either restore your confidence or let someone better fix it.

From your diaries, it seems like the masters means a lot to you so, since you are near the end of it, it would be good to see it through to the end, even if there is a painful cost of doing so. Could you keep the credits for the modules you have already completed and defer the final modules for a couple of years?

Most of the expenses you face now are one offs and whilst frustrating that they delay your saving plans, in the grand scheme of things, it may be the best thing to do in the longer term (even if you do spend a lot of time at home this weekend and think moving out is the one and only priority).

Maybe you can take some time out to decide which things are important to you and then just focus on those.

Best wishes

lionheartedgirl

Hi Buffy,

You sound so down and swamped by everything sounds like a lot of 'shoulds' and 'oughts' going on (to borrow from hypno's diary!) and I think most of us know how they can pull you down and away from what's important to you.

I think some short term mood lifting is required - what can you do today to make yourself feel better? Regardless of what everyone else is up to? Money might be tight but can you spare a few quid to buy a new book/DVD/makeup/haircut/take yourself out for a coffee/cake/lunch/glass of wine/combination of the above? Doesn't have to cost much but as long as the splurge is strictly short term so you can find some head space, it would be a good investment I feel. Anything other than schlepping about the house/on the internet (not saying you do this but I know I do when I'm down, then I beat myself up about it afterwards )

Your signature asks what our passion is - did you figure out what yours is? Might be a bit too big a question for now, but can you find a little way of indulging it today, or working towards indulging it in the near future?

Really sorry to hear about the fall out with your friend - it really hurts it may just need some time to let the dust settle and then you can pick things up in the future?

Hope you have a good day