Elderly parents selling house - need advice with future plans please.....

phoebe1989seb

bris wrote: »

I tend to disagree with this. Plastering walls and fitting new kitchens etc is a renovation that suit the children and will have little benefit to the mother.
The care your mother needs is very specialist and unless you are prepared to sit and watch her evey minute of the day you simply can't cope with it.
Your father is right, it's now time for him to do the best by your mother and himself. Specialist care is needed.

Thanks bris - I do appreciate all comments whether negative or positive, but have to say that whilst you are most likely correct about the deprivation of assets, my mum would definitely benefit from the plastering of our walls and fitting of a kitchen were she to be with us as at the moment we have the barest of kitchen facilities to prepare her meals and the bare stone walls are terribly cold which would not be beneficial to her at all.............

I do agree though that as I'm not qualified to care for someone with mum's condition it would probably be best to give her the care that she needs. DH believes though (not sure if he is correct or not?) that this care could be provided for her in the home rather than in a care home.........ie, that I could have people in to assist me care for her if/when required. I reiterate though, that whilst caring for her 24/7 is no doubt both physically and mentally draining for an 83 year old, she is still very mobile and can be extremely lucid a lot of the time, indeed most of their neighbours/friends are unaware that she has Alzheimer's at all..............

Emmzi

time for my usual "be militant with social services" post.

They are saying a cleaner because your dad is currently coping *just*

You need to go back and say "dad is about to have a breakdown and there will be no one to cope with mum what are you going to do about that? "

Unless YOU are the squeakiest wheel, you won't be getting any oil.

phoebe1989seb

Whiteknight wrote: »

Your father has already told you that he does not want to move closer to you, so are you prepared to pick up your mother every other week, for her to endure a 1.5 hour journey? He has also told you that he can no longer cope with the demands of looking after her - not a decision I expect he has taken lightly.

As others have said it maybe upsetting for her to see her home sold and to be moved in to a care home but she would soon settle - I would imagine a lot quicker than being pushed back and forth between two households, and sorry to say this but what happens if you become tired of caring for her or your circumstances change so that you can't have her as often - your father gets to become a carer again something he has told you he can no longer cope with.

I can understand why you don't want to see her go into a care home but I really think this is a decision for your father to make with your support. Would it not be better for her in the long term to be in a care home near to where she lived so that she is still close by for your father to visit

On the deprivation aspect on things I suppose it all depends on the amounts of money being talked about and what they are being used for.

Big difference between adapting a house and rebuilding a house!

Thanks Whiteknight - trouble is my father (quite understandably, as it's a decision I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy) doesn't know what he wants to do. I believe that it will end with them not selling the house at all and remaining where they are as my mum is proving so intransigent (again, understandably given her condition) when it comes to accepting there are to be changes in their lives. She is not so docile/oblivious that it can be presented as a 'fait au complis' unfortunately

Whilst admittedly her Alzheimer's can make her behaviour very trying and there's no denying it has taken its toll on my father, to my mind she is not ready for full-time confinement to a care home - and that's not being blinded by love of my parent.

Regarding the works required to adapt our house - the 'kitchen' building is currently collapsing, so would require rebuilding unfortunately and the whole house needs making safe generally - repairing the dodgy staircase, fitting of carpets to concrete floors, fitting low level shower, wc etc as well as generally making more 'homely' as it's currently very unsuitable to an elderly person's needs.

Phoebe x

ruggedtoast

I've looked after a family member with alzheimers and its no cake walk. Sufferers tend to deteriorate quite fast when they leave their homes. As others have said splitting her between two new residences is not a good idea.

It sounds like your dad has had enough, you would probably be better off looking at full time residential care options for your mother.

phoebe1989seb

Emmzi wrote: »

not what you asked, but if dad has "had enough" I am thinking he may be agreeing and really thinking mum will live with you almost all the time.

Are you really ready for that to happen and have you spoken to a social/ care worker about alternatives? There may be a hybrid flat/ home in your area, dad may just need regular help through the day, etc.

It must be incredebly painful watching the one you love fade away. My thoughts are with you and I hope you make the right choices for all of you.

Thanks Emmzi............and also for your post about being the 'squeakiest wheel'

There is a 'hybrid' place like that relatively close to us - a complex comprising assisted living flats with an on-site residential care home - but it is 2 miles outside the nearest town, in the middle of nowhere next to a farm. I mentioned this place to my father a couple of weeks back and he wasn't interested - a) 'cos it's in 'the sticks' as he put it with nothing to do except country walks which he hates (and he gave up his car earlier this year) and b) 'cos it's too far from their friends (although they only regularly see one couple for coffee these days since they no longer drive.

In their own area there's nothing like that at all - we even tried to get him interested in a similar place halfway between our home and theirs, but he wouldn't even go to view it..............

Ferferksake

Another quick thought. If your dad can't manage your mum 24/7 now, and if she is still able to do a lot for herself, how about instead of your dad buying a flat in a retirement complex, he buys two in sheltered accommodation? That way they could be near each other, your mum could have as much care as she needed as SS would arrange carers and your dad could have his independence because able bodied residents are free to come and go.

phoebe1989seb

Ferferksake wrote: »

Another quick thought. If your dad can't manage your mum 24/7 now, and if she is still able to do a lot for herself, how about instead of your dad buying a flat in a retirement complex, he buys two in sheltered accommodation? That way they could be near each other, your mum could have as much care as she needed as SS would arrange carers and your dad could have his independence because able bodied residents are free to come and go.

Thanks Jane - that does sound like an idea well worth exploring as it may well prove to be the right solution for both of them! We are off to see them this afternoon, and intend to discuss the matter further so I will add that idea to the mix

We have also been in discussions with the family solicitor about the best way forward finance-wise what with them having both separate and jointly-held assets of not inconsiderable sums, so will have further updates to report once we have had another chance to meet with her, in the next couple of weeks.

In the interim I'm not sure how to proceed with the selling of their house - at father's insistence we had the EAs round nearly a month ago, but have not taken it any further. With Christmas on the horizon and it being notoriously difficult to sell houses over the holiday period I'm undecided whether to wait till the new year - but my father might insist we plough ahead - only time will tell!

Emmzi

This is going to sound really harsh, but many people will be put off viewings where there is an obviously ill person, AND/OR mum may find viewers upsetting.

The sale process needs a good think about too.

Mojisola

As others have said, moving someone with dementia between two houses is a very bad idea. Unless you're capable of having your mother live permanently with you, I would start to look at care homes.

Cheeky_Monkey

Have you considered the possibility of a live-in carer? That way, your mum and dad could both stay in their own home.