Adoption vs own pregnancy

scottishminnie

I would dearly love to adopt. Having my own children biologically is not an option, for reasons I'm not going into.

We have a stable (20 years+) marriage, both have good jobs, good incomes. own home, no mortgage, no debt and could provide both financially and emotionally everything a child could need/want.

We made tentative enquiries a few years back and were told that it would be a complete waste of time and effort. Unfortunately, it seems, that if you aren't in a minority group of some sort you won't even be given time of day. Sadly most of the people that hold all the cards in the adoption process regard it as a power trip.

I used to wonder why people would adopt from abroad when there were thousands of children in the UK in need of lovong parents - now I know:(

digitalphase

bodge76 wrote: »

Many reasons I guess: to miss that baby stage (she finds babies boring), the thought of being pregnant/in labour, she feels they restrict your life and for the 'higher motives'.

She's not that fond of kids until they get to their teens. Altho, she does get on well with all my nephews!

I'm sorry, but if she finds babies boring and thinks that they restrict your life, then maybe you both should seriously consider whether she'd really make a good parent

Watching my son grow, and he's only 5.5 months, is an absolute joy and never, ever boring. He fascinates me, and yes, I do enjoy looking for genetic similarities between us.

My life is enriched because he is now in it. I cannot imagine not having him now, and all the pain I went through and am still going through, is worth it to see him smile and hear him laugh, and watch him grow and take an interest in the world.
I cannot comprehend anyone who would say that their child restricts them

I doubt I'd have gone down the road of adoption if I could not conceive. I am sure I'd love the child if I adopted, but I'm not sure I'd get the maternal instinct that I have got with my son. And that would make me very apprehensive.
I am not a 'goes gooey over little babies' type of person either. And I only wanted children once I got with my OH.

Sounds as if your OH is not just hung up on the labour, but seems almost as if she can't be bothered to put in the effort that a baby requires, and would rather have the finished product handed to her on a plate.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, and I have misinterpreted. It's hard when you only get one person's side of the story.

must_try_harder_2

scottishminnie wrote: »

We made tentative enquiries a few years back and were told that it would be a complete waste of time and effort. Unfortunately, it seems, that if you aren't in a minority group of some sort you won't even be given time of day. Sadly most of the people that hold all the cards in the adoption process regard it as a power trip.

I used to wonder why people would adopt from abroad when there were thousands of children in the UK in need of lovong parents - now I know:(

I have no idea how it was a few years back but we've been looking into adopting recently and as far as I can tell, the criteria are actually relatively lax, it's the hoops you have to go through that makes the process difficult. I know someone who was approved for adopting as a single parent and age is not an issue (unless you're very old). They don't care if you own your own home, if you're employed or on benefits. And if you're willing to adopt an older child, child with disability, or a sibling group then they will certainly be more flexible about things. The only things they said they were fussy about is that neither of you smoke, that if you're in a relationship you have been for mroe than 2years, and you're not massively overweight or have a health issue that would seriously compromsie your ability to have children.

Obviously this was just what my local authority said and I know there are differences between areas but maybe you really should try again. Because I can't see any reason why someone wouldn't be doing their best to place children in your care - you sound like ideal candidates to me.

Alikay

I haven't adopted a child, but I've had my own and fostered pre school children. I don't know that it matters whether you love them "the same" as your own biological children - the point is you love them in a way that is individual and unique to each child. In time you learn what makes the child tick and how best to respond to them. You develop ways of interpreting, predicting and meeting their needs, and they learn to depend on you. Providing the child isn't too damaged by events in their previous family, bonds of attachment will form.

There is science to explain "love" (cynical cow, aren't I?:rotfl:) and giving birth isn't an essential part of it imo, although it inevitably starts the process off earlier.