Changing a childs name -Help needed.

Bossyboots

kelloggs36 wrote:

BTW if the new step parent has parental responsibility, why is the other parent still paying maintenance? If a child is adopted then the natural parent loses all rights and that includes responsibilities for maintenance. It is good that he is still paying even though on the face of it, it looks like he doesn't have to.

Just because the step parent has PR does mean that the birth father loses his (if he had it in the first place). A step parent does not have to adopt a child to get PR, there are other mechanisms by which it can be done. It is only when adoption is the process used that the birth father will lose his PR.

kelloggs36

Thanks for that bossyboots. My ex doesn't have parental responsiblity because we married after our daughter was born and never re-registered her. My solicitor advised that he therefore does not have PR. I have never even bothered asking his permission to do anything with regards my daughter - he would only be difficult for the sake of it and she is worth more than that to me. anyway, without PR he can't insist I keep her name or otherwise, which is good for me.

thesaint

I thought that the father would gain parental responsibility when he married you, I didn't think he would have to re-register anything.
If this is the case, he would still have it.

Bossyboots

thesaint is right. The act of marrying you automatically gave your ex parental responsibility. He did not need to do anything else. I think your solicitor needs to have another look at the Children Act and get his facts straight.

kelloggs36

Oh well, never mind! He never wanted it as he pi**ed off and never wanted anything to do with us anyway. He would have only refused any request I made to do anything so I never bothered asking and nobody asked any questions. My DD is 18 now and so it is immaterial as she can do as she pleases in respect of changing her name or not, but she has said that she now wishes to change her name by deed poll to that of my husband which is two fingers up at her father - not that he would know nor care!

A bit worrying about the solicitor though because I actually asked her specifically if she was sure as I believed that he had PR since we married but she said not!

Pooky

Thanks for all the replies on this...I'm still uncertain as to how to go forward though.

To fill in a few details on the "non-contact" thing that DD's decided on....

In August of last year the CSA did a review of maintenance payments and decided that his payments should increase from £34 per week to £69 per week, he'd changed jobs - better income etc. He phoned and said he wasn't willing to pay and wanted my new husband to adpot DD's to free him of his requirement to pay. (money is a big thing with him - he doesn't see why he should pay anything as I've got married - but then I don't make the law) We had serious chats about it - this included asking DD's opinions. My new DH agreed that it was the best way forward and we contacted the local council to start the adoption process. DD's were really excited about it, youngest DD doesn't remember a time before new DH and the eldest one is very close to him. They used to see my ex once a month for an hour - that was all he could spare - that had been the case for nearly 2 years - his father saw them 3 times in 2 years and his brother twice in that time. The adoption letters all came through - we filled in forms, gave details etc and sent them off - had a phone call from the adoption office about a week later to say that ex wasn't agreeing to the adoption, the next day a letter came from the CSA saying that due to an error they'd changed his payments to £11 per week.

It really was a case of £69 isn't worth it - but £11 will do as far as he was concerned. I contacted him to ask about his change of mind and both DD's were understandably devestated - his reply was something along the lines of "tell them to get over it - they're kids - they don't understand" (since then the CSA have reviewed the case again and found that he was hiding income and have now sorted out new payments of £56 per week - he's appealing to that decision)

Since then both DD's have refused to see him, eldest is bright enough to realise that he was willing to give them up in return for money in his pocket and like I say - DD2 cannot remember him as a dad and is completely confused about the whole thing.

There have been incidents over the past 6 years that have involved the police and solictors over his behaviour and I've even had supervised contact arrangements when he proved his complete lack of care and attention. He's made the children lie to me - had a car accident and told them that if they told me the police would take me away for being mean, he's locked them in the car whilst he went to the bank, he took them to a public swimming pool and made them get in naked as he hadn't taken any swimming costumes.

Through it all I've tried to think that he is their father and he should be a part of their lives but it's hard to see what part. As far as I can see, they don't miss out on anything without him or his family in their lives and they are thriving in the current family situation.

Several comments have been made on the fact that he pays the maintenance and therefore must want contact.... You'd think so wouldn't you - but since DD's told him that they no long wanted to see him there's been no contact - he's since moved and had a baby with his new partner, that information came to my via the CSA.

I have written to his last known address, sent a copy via his fathers address and sent an email to the last known email address but have so far had no reply.

He agreed to let them be "known as" at school and he agreed to the parental responsibilty order when we applied to the court.

I know that I can change their names via deed poll without his consent as long as I've shown reasonable efforts to contact him but does anyone know if there is a time limit on that - does he have to have had no contact for a particular amount of time?

Sorry for rambling - just wanted those that seemed to be doubting my reasons to be aware of the facts. The name change request has come from DD's - personally it makes no difference to me - it's their happiness that matters and if that's what makes them happy then I will do everything in my power to make it happen.

Thanks for reading.

thesaint

Pooky,
I now understand more the situation that you find yourself in, I thank you for filling in a lot of the gaps.

If your ex was happy to let the adoption process start since August of last year and has subsequently changed his mind, I think that it is too soon to convince a court that he has lost interest.
You say that it is about the money, he would probably say that it is because he changed his mind because he didn't want to lose contact with his children.

I do think that your children were too young at ages 6 and 3 that they wanted to change their names(As your 1st post stated). The school playground teasing is something that the school need to tackle. Children will tease each other for all sorts of reasons and between yourself and the staff, I would have thought you could reassure your daughter if this is what you wanted.

The fact that he is paying maintenance does not say he wants contact, I agree, but, if you want to change their names then the court would look at your attempts to trace him and his maintenance payments.

You are leaving yourself open to accusations of manipulation if your daughter knows the details of his payments being changed. It may have came about innnocently, but the doubt will be there.

I went through the courts for over a year with regards to my child, and he never knew what the reason was, it would not be fair to let him know the specifics.

You could get the name changes done, but I believe that your ex would find it easy to have this decision reversed simply on the basis of disagreing with the adoption. If he got it reversed what effect would that have on your daughters?

I would get on with getting them used to the surname they have had all of their life.

Of course this is all my opinion at the end of the day, I do wish you good luck

plumduff-2

off the OT here but when you mean to say son, why do you write DS r DD for daughteer... what does the first D stand for.. ive tried and tried to think what it could mean but cant come up with anything other than 'darling' or 'di**head'....

loopy-loo73

plumduff-2 wrote:

off the OT here but when you mean to say son, why do you write DS r DD for daughteer... what does the first D stand for.. ive tried and tried to think what it could mean but cant come up with anything other than 'darling' or 'di**head'....

dear dear son / dear daughter

pooky - i feel for you i really do. i have no helpful advice i'm afraid but i so hope you get things sorted. my DD hasn't seem her dad for 2years now & b4 that it was only for a couple of hours each halfterm/holiday & it was supervised. since she stopped seeing him she has become so much more settled. me & oh have been together 8yrs & are engaged. DD has asked if she can be called the same name as us both when we get married, doesn't bother her too much now as we have 3 difference surnames in our house! i said i wasn't sure, we'd have to see. to be honest i'm scared to ask. i don't want to rock the boat incase he tries to start contact up again, it nearly bankrupted us last time as he gets legal aid but we don't (just) and i fought him for 7 years b4 he dropped his case.

sorry waffling now - good luck, i hope you get it sorted.

lou x

Sweet_Pea_2

This is probably not helpful at all, but is there any way you could double barrel the surname? Your DD's would then have your Ex's name and your surname too. He may be less likely to object to this, and they would still feel that you all had the same name.
I know this is not completely solving the situation, I didnt realize that it was so difficult, I thought you could be known as what you liked, children included.
It does make you wonder what goes through some absent parents minds though, don't they realize what they are missing out on by not having a relationship with their children? My own DD's are the same age as yours, and they are growing up so fast its simply scary, this time can never be replaced.
Your DD's are very lucky to have your husband in their lives, and I hope you find a way to resolve it.