MUG tattoo on my forehead, or am I unfair?

Money_maker

Just listen to the posts above! This is your house and you have the power to control how people behave inside it. Your DD has no respect for you - tell her to belt up or get out. What is so hard about taking back your life?

Last resort, change all locks and let no one in. Do you have any friends for support?

Kay_Peel

It sounds overwhelming - no wonder you're about to blow a gasket. I'd be inclined to take it one step at a time and look to make important changes and 'quick wins'.

There are a lot of complex things going on, including your own self-loathing, so I'll just give you my gut reaction, if it helps.

1. Son - abusive - women's aid? - He's living elsewhere?

Low priority for the time being: he's not living with you. Perhaps you could give us more details and we might be able to come with a plan - a cunning plan!

2. Daughter - has had all the opportunities that you didn't - lazy - rude - mean - petulant - takes what she's got for granted - now bringing her hanger-on to share your bounty.

You and she are going to have to work on some terms and conditions for sharing the house. If she won't accept the need for growing up and behaving like an adult then she can look at alternatives, can't she? Perhaps she could go to her lovely father's and take her boyfriend with her?


3. Dad - still King of the castle - has free run of the house and all the comforts of seeing his children without having to do any of the 'horrible bits'.

Stop this at once! What a flippin' cheek this hanger-on has.

I had a similar situation with a hubby who, when he finished work, came home, saw his children, stayed for a meal and left when they were having a bath. I felt so grateful for him doing this just after he left us that I let it continue for too long. It was doing my head in and not helping ME get over my loss. it suited him because his new lady didn't want the children around.

Eventually, I said: 'Can you make me a spare set of keys for your flat? I'd like to go there to chill out when I feel like it. Can you leave me a meal in the fridge in case I get hungry'.
I continued in this vein. If he was going to have his second home at my house then I wanted a second home too! He began to understand. The daily visits tailed off - and by this time the children were doing after-school activities, had full lives and were fully aware that they had two loving parents.

Yes, decide that you are going to install some boundaries. Your house, your rules, your life.

And that's the important bit. You deserve a life of your own now that your children are adults.

Money_maker

Samsaragirl wrote: »

I still love him and cannot be nasty to him

:wall::wall: sorry, but this renders this thread useless.

victory

Money_maker wrote: »

:wall::wall: sorry, but this renders this thread useless.

You mean everything we are about to say..shall be ignored?;)

Caroline73_2

They aren't going to change unless you do. You still 'love' this man who has no respect for you, so its unlikely that you are going to upset the situation despite your protestations.

Do you honestly think that you will follow any advice given here?

Samsaragirl

Kay_Peel wrote: »

It sounds overwhelming - no wonder you're about to blow a gasket. I'd be inclined to take it one step at a time and look to make important changes and 'quick wins'.

There are a lot of complex things going on, including your own self-loathing, so I'll just give you my gut reaction, if it helps.

1. Son - abusive - women's aid? - He's living elsewhere?

Low priority for the time being: he's not living with you. Perhaps you could give us more details and we might be able to come with a plan - a cunning plan!

2. Daughter - has had all the opportunities that you didn't - lazy - rude - mean - petulant - takes what she's got for granted - now bringing her hanger-on to share your bounty.

You and she are going to have to work on some terms and conditions for sharing the house. If she won't accept the need for growing up and behaving like an adult then she can look at alternatives, can't she? Perhaps she could go to her lovely father's and take her boyfriend with her?


3. Dad - still King of the castle - has free run of the house and all the comforts of seeing his children without having to do any of the 'horrible bits'.

Stop this at once! What a flippin' cheek this hanger-on has.

I had a similar situation with a hubby who, when he finished work, came home, saw his children, stayed for a meal and left when they were having a bath. I felt so grateful for him doing this just after he left us that I let it continue for too long. It was doing my head in and not helping ME get over my loss. it suited him because his new lady didn't want the children around.

Eventually, I said: 'Can you make me a spare set of keys for your flat? I'd like to go there to chill out when I feel like it. Can you leave me a meal in the fridge in case I get hungry'.
I continued in this vein. If he was going to have his second home at my house then I wanted a second home too! He began to understand. The daily visits tailed off - and by this time the children were doing after-school activities, had full lives and were fully aware that they had two loving parents.

Yes, decide that you are going to install some boundaries. Your house, your rules, your life.

And that's the important bit. You deserve a life of your own now that your children are adults.

Totally spot on, have rung the police on a few occasions when my son kicked my door in, sent me text messages saying he was gonna burn my f******g house down. Now he's sweetness and light as a father , living in a house bought by a massive deposit from my mother, and a buy to let mortgage from ex.

Womens aid have not been accessible. My rubbish solicitor was apparently an advocate for the local womens centre, but she did anything other than protect me from bullies.

I am still running on my instincts, and please do not diss me for this. Alkl I know to do uis to protect and nurture.

That is what I do.

Cook, keep them warm.

Have got too many animals now as a result of this also.

Sagz_2

OP, the only person you can change is your self. If you want to change DO IT!

Samsaragirl

Money_maker wrote: »

:wall::wall: sorry, but this renders this thread useless.

Actually, no, it doesn't. It actually means that peoplpe had babies and went into relationships for the right reasons not very long ago!!

Samsaragirl

Sagz wrote: »

OP, the only person you can change is your self. If you want to change DO IT!

Have joined local ymca gym today

Samsaragirl

Caroline73 wrote: »

They aren't going to change unless you do. You still 'love' this man who has no respect for you, so its unlikely that you are going to upset the situation despite your protestations.

Do you honestly think that you will follow any advice given here?

I have to Caro, cannot be stuck anymore- am 47 next week :-)