MUG tattoo on my forehead, or am I unfair?

Samsaragirl

Try to keep it brief ;-). 46, divorced 2 years, was married 23.

I 'got' family home in divorce, in reality the equity. From the outset, I let my ex, who had left by mutual consent, come here as our dd, 14 at the time, was fragile to say the least.

4 years on, he comes round after work every day, and at weekends- have tried many times to stop him, but he just does the guilt thing.

I have put on 6 stone in weight, and am angry all the time, as he totally f****d me in the divorce, and left when I was at my lowest.

Now it gets no better, feel like the hub of the family in 'keeping' it together, yet also the outsider.

My dd started uni locally last month, a 3 yr honours degree, which, despite me passing 11 plus and going to grammar school, I left after a levela and got marrid to the father.

He has a high paid job with banks and has had since we were married 2 years btw.

dd gets full loans and maintenance, and bf student also (20) stays here most of the time also. If I ask that they pay for anything they get !!!!!!, move plates, empty dishwasher. I get total abuse (verbal) and daddy sits here and lets it happen.

Had a lot of abuse from son before he went into house paid for by my mother, and have tried to contact womens aid.

I am ready for some harsh words, please help. I am soft, always have been.

Edit to say, there is no relationship between me and ex other than getting on as people who know each other well, he is smug, I am angry. Sex stopped at least 10 years before the marriage ended.

Mrs_Stimmo

1. Change the locks (just do it, don't tell them in advance) - do not give ex a key - if he hammers on the door - phone police.
2. Explain to son that if he continues to treat you like a piece of dirt, he will not be welcome. This will be hard and you may have to let go for a while, whilst he comes to his senses. They do though x
3. Remember that if you let people use you/make you feel guilty they will continue to do so. Do you really want to continue like this for the next 3 years :-) Good luck - chin up.

cosmic-dust

Again Juicyloo, the same drama under another new ID.

RAS

OK

So it is time to tell your daughter that she plainly is not happy to live with you and that she needs to move out.

If she begs to stay, write up a lodger's agreement with rental costs and expected duties for them both. Stick to it.

If she moans, suggest she moves in with her dad.

And for heaven's sake, get serious therapy (not counselling but something psycho-active) to help you get rind of the spongers in your life.

j.e.j.

Sounds like you need to get your own life. You're sitting there thinking about how your life seems to revolve around placating everybody else and understandably feeling resentful..

Now the kids have grown up why is ex husband still spending so much time in the marital home?

I would suggest as a long-term thing selling the house and downsizing, getting a smaller place, - small enough just for you and small enough that others don't descend on you and carry on expecting things!

Samsaragirl

Mrs S, thnk you have misunderstood my post, it has already happened, I have no strength left.

I found a book called 'Good Grief' recently and it let me forgive myself, as I now know I am grieveing for two ppeople who are still alive, my Dad since he had a stroke but immediate resulting vascular dementia overnight, and then my husband.

Was watching an old western today out of the blue a phrase made me cry 'if you grieve a lot you haved loved a lot', and that is me, very intense.

Caroline73_2

Your ex only comes around because you let him. Your daughter and her boyfriend treat you that way because you let them. No-one would ever be allowed to behave like that in my home.

geri1965_2

Your children are grown up now and need to make their own way in life. Your ex also needs to move on.

Sell the house, and buy a little flat for yourself. They can visit you when and only when it's convenient for you.

Take control of your life!

Samsaragirl

RAS wrote: »

OK

So it is time to tell your daughter that she plainly is not happy to live with you and that she needs to move out.

If she begs to stay, write up a lodger's agreement with rental costs and expected duties for them both. Stick to it.

If she moans, suggest she moves in with her dad.

And for heaven's sake, get serious therapy (not counselling but something psycho-active) to help you get rind of the spongers in your life.

That's a problem, dad rented a bungalow :-) till the financila hearing, then moved back in with his dad, dd has not seen her grandad for years, even though dad lives with him, and thweyare 2 miles down the road.

What concerns me is wht kingd of psycho can just live like this and just go backk to his dads everynight. No going out, he never drank any alcohol, after about 10 years of marriage. He scares me and I don't know how to get out, because he controlled me for about the last 10 years and is still doing it..

I could only afford a legal aid solicitor, and he got the one best known in the liocal area for family matters. Mine was crap honestly.

I did get spousal maintenance for life, and was planning on going for a variation now, but my confidence is so low. My mum won't talk about it to me. She just goes on about her life, it's all a mess

BTW dd is very happy to live with me. I take her to uni, even though she has her own car, as it is 10 mins and parking is not good, and today I said this is the fiver I owe you, take in case you need some food. Reply was, not gonna spend my money on food when I can eat here for free.

I have a large house, with lots otf lights for effect which they leave on and I am constantly turning off, power shower. They cannot even be bothered to remove plates etc to kitchen. Living like students and me the skivvy!

Tish_P

I sympathise - this sounds awful -but I don't understand why you feel so powerless when you're not. Change the locks. Don't talk to your ex. Stop buying and cooking food for others. Sell the house and move abroad if you feel like it. Start a Uni course yourself. Whatever. These people have no right to your time or your house.

Samsaragirl

Tish_P wrote: »

I sympathise - this sounds awful -but I don't understand why you feel so powerless when you're not. Change the locks. Don't talk to your ex. Stop buying and cooking food for others. Sell the house and move abroad if you feel like it. Start a Uni course yourself. Whatever. These people have no right to your time or your house.

Those are all the things that go through my head, apart from moving abroad as am a carer for my parents.

I still love him and cannot be nasty to him

I feel guilty for the marriage not working

Mad , but real

He treats me with disdain, he used to do body language as in putting his hand up when I was in his eyesight, it's all subtle stuff and if I tell him to go then my dd will maybe go and I'll be alone in a big house