Help with horrible parents

dlb

Topbanana, just want to send you big hugs((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))
It is so hard, i still love my mum i just dont like her, and know i am better off without her, the thought of going back to the daily nasty phone calls, the picking on everything i do, fills me with dread.
I have to be honest and this may sound so cold, but i dont miss her at all, and she now only comes to mind when my sister phones me to moan about mum saying the same sort of things to her.
I am one of you that is better off without her parents, i do miss my dad but as said by someone before he just wants a quite life and so goes along with what my mum says.

topbanana2803

Thanks for the hug, only get them from my kids normally.
I agree totally with the above, I have 2 sisters, twins, who used to have a go at me when I complained about the lack of support from mum and dad, since one sister has had kids she now does the same to me, I'm now looking forward to the other one moaning when she eventually has kids (she got married at xmas, we didn't go) and then I will just throw it all back in her face..... she's done more than her fair share of s*** stirring over the years and believes our parents can do no wrong!

I'm glad things are better for you now, if people in your life make you unhappy then they can't be in your life... if you are not happy, how can you bring up happy children?

dlb

That is very true, you can not bring up happy kids if you are not happy yourself.
My mum now speads awful rummers about me that i always end up hearing about, like how i have brainwashed the kids to hate her ( the 2 eldest remember enough without me having to say anything), that my husband cant provide for me ( this is because i owe my dad a couple of hundred pounds and i cant pay it back in one lump sum, even though my dh has never been out of work), she tells everyone my kids will grow up to be screwed up (showing no signs yet!!)
This sort of thing used to really bother me, not any more, if she has nothing better to do than talk about me what a sad life she has, glad im not part of it any more.

topbanana2803

dlb, the people that care about you and that you care about will know exactly how your life is and that is all that matters, your children would have probably ended up screwed up if she had continued to be a part of their lives.
My parents, as far as I am aware have never said horrible things about me to my kids but I do wonder if they ever said anything nice?
Suppose I won't ever know now but I do feel like a huge weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders, 20 years of bottled up hurt and anger came flooding out today, and, although I may not have said all I wanted to say, I said how I felt and I know that it's not all my fault.

dlb

It sounds as though you feel a bit better already,
Good for you.
Please stay in touch and let us know how you get on.
If you dont want to post on the boards feel free to pm me ( just click my name to do this if you didnt know)
Good luck.
Donna

ailuro2

I haven't talked to my parents in years, a very similar situation whereby my mother is controlling,selfish,has false memories of events etc.etc.

After another episode of my father taking a slipper to my 3yo miece then denying it had happened even though her two older siblings reported it I decided it would be wrong to expose my daughter to

1/ possible punishment with use of a slipper

2/ showing her how submissive I was in my mother's company. I never even realised it until my husband pointed it out.

3/ Always have her emotional needs on my list of things that needed fixing.

I have never been this happy or this free in my adult life. I do feel bad for my father because he does what his wife tells him, but he is a grown adult so has to take some blame too.

Best of luck.You have your own family now,and they must always come first.:A

Bettyboop

It's really sad how many people have grown up without a loving and nurturing mother. The same has happened to me and the results are evident in my life today. I am seperated from my husband for very different reasons but while I was growing up my mother was never affectionate, she never once said I love you....you make me proud etc....and in my marraige I struggled with affection. I have a beautiful 3yr old little girl and she is everything to me. She is praised everyday, given lots of cuddles and kind words etc. My mother lives in Wales and hasnt seen her in a year. (we are only 3 hours away). Birthday parties and Christmas are not important to her. I have explained so many times how important grandmothers are but she just doesnt get it. She lies a lot and one time she said she was on the train and asked us to get her at the station. We went to meet her and guess what she didn't arrive....she stayed on it until Norwich to visit a friend instead!!!!!!!!!! I was not even in town when that happened I was 40 minutes out! As for the mistakes our parents made we can only do our best with our own children showing them love, praising them etc so they will never know what its like to not be shown that.

Goodluck everyone

gravitytolls

MrsKing, your parents have no righ tto expect a relationship with you. You say yourself, it has been a difficult one since your own childhood. You odn't want to burden your children with this. As she drinks, and ages, she will only become more difficult, and neither you, nor your family should have to feel responsible for a person who is completely unwilling to acept any responsibility for herself.

My father was a drunk, and a violent selfish bully. I haven't spoken to him for 12 years, and have nothing to do with him or his family. The reasons why are complicated.

I tried hard to have a relationship with him, though he was a virtual stranger until I was 17. I was non judgemental about his lifestyle, and to be fair to him, he was never abusive toward me, as my mother rescued us both from him when I was small.

However, the repurcussion of his treatment of his new family I was unable to ignore, as they were affecting my young family.

After he smashed up our home, and was arrested, I cut him out of our lives. My DH was more forgiving than I. He says himself, he had a charmed childhood, and he simply couldn't understand why I wouldn't let him back into our lives. Well, he talked me into it, and it was disastrous, with long term repurcussions on at least one of my eldest children.

I don't bear a grudge, I odn't wish bad things to happen to him, but I will NEVER allow him or any other member of his family to contact any of us again. We have moved far away from the area, and despite his wife's efforts to contact us through family, and tales of illnesses, I have never allowed any of them to get a foot in the door again.

And this I would advise you to do. You have a lovely husband, and 2 wonderful children. Your life has been blighted, and will doubtless continue to be blighted with bad memories, spare them this.

God bless, keep your chin up.

110frankie

topbanana2803 wrote:

Suppose I won't ever know now but I do feel like a huge weight has finally been lifted off my shoulders, 20 years of bottled up hurt and anger came flooding out today, and, although I may not have said all I wanted to say, I said how I felt and I know that it's not all my fault.

That's how I feel, except it's 50 years...
the weight has lifted from my shoulders... but there's still a little bit of me that wishes I had had a loving mother and wishes that I could be friends with her and help her , she's in her 80s for goodness sake.
But I simply cannot continue to be treated with nothing but abuse.
It's over, the weight's gone.

I called at number one son's last night.
He greeted me "Eh up, how's things?"
DiL, peck on cheek, "are you having a brew?"
20-yr old grandson, "Hey granddad, I was going to call you, can you help me with..."
18 yr old granddauhter, kiss on the lips, big hug, "Can't stop just going out, see ya"

and I only saw them last Saturday!

Isn't THAT what families should be about?