Help with horrible parents

play2day

My mother is pure spite and poison. She was a violent alcoholic for most of my childhood and is a compulsive malicious liar. I have had very little to do with her since I was 14.
Part of her vindictiveness was to alienate me from my family and I resent her for it. I never want my children to feel that way about me. Therefore I have allowed and encouraged them to see Grandma (with supervision when they were younger and the full understanding that if she ever drank, smoked, shouted, humiliated, belittled or hit them she would never see them again and would only have to face me once in court) I have to say though it pains me that she has been a wonderful Grandma to them. Perhaps she has tried to make amends for what passed through them. She never will, but my children have a doting Grandma who they love....
Think about your children and how you will explain your actions to them when they grow. I have never 'bad mouthed' Grandma, but now aged 15 DS is noticing some of her unpleasant traits and making judgements for himself. He chooses to spend less time in her company because 'she only says nasty things about people'. He cannot say the same about me. I have given him every oppertunity to have a full 'family' and his childhood was richer for it.

wendyh

MrsKing I feel for you. I have great parents - a little over powering but they love my kids to bits. I then have a mother-in-law who is the wicked witch of the west who seems not to like my daughter. She is the only girl of 4 grandchildren and I too have decided to make a stand. Not too much to end all contact, but enough to let it be known that I'm not having anymore insults towards my daughter (she's 7) anymore. Anyway I'm very very strong willed and won't let this go. Have the full backing of hubby so we'll see what happens when after 17 years of knowing her I stand up to her. I send my thoughts to you and wish you luck. My grandmother was horrible to my mum and she would take all the spite in the world. When I was 15 I told her to stop making my mum cry and stop being so nasty. It stopped instantly!! She was a nasty piece of work but it stopped. Good Luck

Pink_butterfly_3

Hi

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your parents. Speaking purely from my own experience, my advice would be to cut them out of your life. Are they ever going to change?? No. They'll always hurt you, and the last thing you want is this to effect your children. They don't deserve you and you certainly don't sound like you need them.

My own father is the height of uselessness and has been a huge disappointment to me throughout my life. I won't go into the details but the straw that has broken the camels back was back in June last year when I got married. He and my nan (his mum) kicked up a mahoosive stink because I was going to ask my stepdad to walk me down the aisle. This made me laugh in itself as my dad has done less than nothing for me my whole life. Well, he proved my point as after promising to come, he never bothered to show up, never told me he wasn't going to come, so his meal and everything else was wasted. When I called to find out what happened, i was told that the England match was on that weekend and he didn't want to miss the game. I haven't spoken to him since.

He has never seen his grandkids and frankly I couldn't care less. I have a wonderful family and i don't need a useless, waster of a father making my life miserable.

dlb

I too have cut my parents out of my life and the kids lifes.It was the best thing i ever did.
This was due to my mother being by the sound of it very much like your mother.I havent spoken to her for almost 7 years now and my dad about 3 years, as he tried to have contact with me but my mother banned him from seeing us and the kids.
My sister is coming to the same point as me now, she doesnt speak to her then makes up but then mums eveil lies start again, it is really hard at first to break all contact, but way worth it in the long run, my mum never would admit the things she had said, her fav saying was` i never said that`!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good luck it is hard, but we now live a peacefull life instead of daily nasty phone calls and arguments.

110frankie

My mother has always been selfish and spiteful. I have lived away from her for many years but made the effort to visit fairly often and telephone every week.
She hasn't seen her grandchildren grow up because the first time she met them they were "too noisy".
Last week I had had enough. She began a tirade over the phone and said at the outset -"Don't argue back with me, don't say anything just listen or I will put the phone down" so I did instead.
She has spent over 50 years like this and, as I said to my wife: "I'm sorry, she's tried to drive me away for most of my life and at last she's managed it".

To be honest, I feel more relieved than anything else.

MrsKing

Thank you so much to everyone who has shared their experiences.....they have really helped a lot.

I have not heard from my parents since the row last week, I think they are definitely not speaking to me. I have decided to write a letter to them outlining how I feel and leave it at that. Then it is up to them.

Reading all these posts has made me all the more determined for my DD and DS's sake that this does not continue. I too envisage a time when nasty comments are made to my children about me, my husband, my in-laws and I just won't have it. This behaviour has continued for 3 generations now and I just can't risk it affecting my daughter as she grows up.

James_N

110frankie wrote:

My mother has always been selfish and spiteful. I have lived away from her for many years but made the effort to visit fairly often and telephone every week.
She hasn't seen her grandchildren grow up because the first time she met them they were "too noisy".
Last week I had had enough. She began a tirade over the phone and said at the outset -"Don't argue back with me, don't say anything just listen or I will put the phone down" so I did instead.
She has spent over 50 years like this and, as I said to my wife: "I'm sorry, she's tried to drive me away for most of my life and at last she's managed it".

To be honest, I feel more relieved than anything else.

I spent most of my adult life TRYING to have phone calls with my dad, while my mother made spiteful comments in the background: it made me ill to try.

dlb

MrsKing wrote:

Thank you so much to everyone who has shared their experiences.....they have really helped a lot.

I have not heard from my parents since the row last week, I think they are definitely not speaking to me. I have decided to write a letter to them outlining how I feel and leave it at that. Then it is up to them.

Reading all these posts has made me all the more determined for my DD and DS's sake that this does not continue. I too envisage a time when nasty comments are made to my children about me, my husband, my in-laws and I just won't have it. This behaviour has continued for 3 generations now and I just can't risk it affecting my daughter as she grows up.

This is how i ended up stopping contact, my eldest son hear her tell me i dont do enough for them in her eyes, she was forever putting my dad down in front of them and me, and even called me evil in front of them, all this because i did things different to how she would. She wanted them to be babys forever and used to go against my wishes when she had the kids, letting my 6 year old have a bottle even though he hadnt had one for 3 years at home, she would let them draw on walls and jump on sofa, and then go mad at me when i told them off for doing it home!!And because of this i was a bad mum, if you can work it out so you do still have contact that would be a great ending , but this can not always happen you can only take so much.
I forgave her again and again and again, until one day when i said thats it, her parting comment was you will come running back you cant look after the kids without me. That was 6 years ago,all my kids are bright active well behaved children, and i have had a dd since then, so guess who proved her wrong.:D

MrsKing

James_N wrote:

I spent most of my adult life TRYING to have phone calls with my dad, while my mother made spiteful comments in the background: it made me ill to try.

That is interesting because it is exactly the same with me. The only relationship I have with my Dad is through my Mum. He never calls, or even talks to me. So my Mum tells me what he thinks, feels etc. and as you can imagine I am not sure how close to the truth this is.

I think this is one of the saddest aspects to the whole sorry affair. He isn't strong enough to stand up to her. I know she has bullied him before. I think he just wants a quiet life. Or just can't be bothered.

topbanana2803

I have read all of the posts on this thread with great interest and a tear in my eye.
I have, today, had my final ever row with my parents.
Much too long a story to go into on here but suffice to say, as far as they were concerned, they had never done anything wrong.
They have over the last 20 years pushed me further and further out of the family to the point where I don't feel a part of it at all, but, in their words, you left home!!!
Even today all I wanted my mum to say was that she loved me but she could only say that she loved her grandchildren....
My dad, whom I have not spoken to for 6 years, actually spoke to me today, he told me I was incapable of showing anyone any love.
They have that wrong, I am incapable of showing them any love as they have failed me in that respect for the whole of my 36 years.
I do however have sooooo much love for my children, I wanted to break the cycle you see.
Do you think they are jealous that I am able to cuddle my children and tell them that I love them everyday? My mum is always saying she was never shown any love by her mum and dad.
Am I wrong to want/need support from my family when I am on my own with 6 year old twins, one of whom is disabled, especially when they only live 8 houses away from me. The reply from them was they have a father don't they, yes, they do but he lives 60 miles away.
I think I'll be better off alone!!!!!!