Help with horrible parents

Slinky

You can choose your friends but not your relatives. If she wasn't related to you, would you bother with her? Might sound harsh but...........

I haven't spoken to my mother through choice since she walked out on my dad 27 years ago, or at all for the past 12 years.

Do I regret it? No not really, I don't want somebody in my life who was prepared to walk away and say to my dad 'you keep the children' What goes around, comes around.

Mics_chick

I've not had any personal experience of this but 2 close friends of mine have.

My female friend has nothing to do with her OH parents (I don't think her OH does either now) because they never liked her but the final straw came when their young son came back from a visit and said "Granny told me that you don't love me!!!" How sick and controlling is that? Her son was about 2 at the time!!

My male friend's parents cut their daughter out of their lives cos she was trying to cause trouble for them by telling sick lies to the local police and other authorities. They're youngest son was actually her child who she had when she was 15 (cos she was the village bike!) and they adopted him because he had learning disabilities and they thought they would be the ones looking after him anyway. They moved away to another town about 20 miles away where no-one knew them because she was always trying to cause them embarassment. Then because she didn't know where they lived she tried to get at them by saying her mother had tried to force her to have an abortion when she was pregnant with the child they adopted/ that her father had abused her as a child and now he was always coming round threatening her and trying to get her to sleep with him. He was only saved from prosecution because his wife could prove he was at work on alot of the days when he was supposed to be at his daughter's house. Also she couldn't prove her abortion story either and they found her out in alot of other lies so luckily it didn't go any further but not from a lack of trying on her part cos it came out a bit at a time so her parents constantly had the police at their door over her latest pack of lies... Anyway my friend who was her 2nd youngest son told me all about this and I've since met the rest of his family and there's no way any of it was true. In fact when the adopted son found out the truth about who his real mother was when he was a teenager his only concern was that she couldn't take him away from his "parents" (his real grandparents) and force him to live with her. My friend no longer has any contact with his sister either because he never really liked her as a child but couldn't stand what she tried to do to his parents. When his eldest brother died of a heart attack everyone went to his funeral because he had kept in touch with her and her mother was upset at seeing her daughter who she still loved but didn't like at all because of everything she had done to them.

I think in some cases the only thing you can do is cut someone who is vicious/cruel/demented? out of your life because it is the only way you can get any peace of mind...!! So if you feel that's what you need to do MrsK then do it and don't look back - you've tried and got nowhere so you've got nothing to be guilty of...

gilly41

Hi
Without going in to to much detail here I havent spoken to my dad for ten years---since he told his grandaughter, my daughter, to **** off!!!!!!! She was 13 years old at the time and never in my life have I been so hurt,upset, angry---and the bottom line is to this day he has never said sorry!!My mum was sat with him and told me she didnt hear what he said and even if he said it it is only a word!!My mum came and told me I have been written out of their will and that my brother has been left everything to the tune of £250K!!!! Now, why would she feel the need to come and tell me that---and all because I havent spoken to my dad because of the above incident!!!
I dont ever ring her now---she has chosen to forget she has two grandkids---they both graduated from University this year and she hasnt been in touch to congratulate them.They also havent received birthday or Xmas cards for the last 3 years----it was my sons 21st last week and again nothing!
It really is their loss---and I dont understand them and I dont expect I ever will. It does hurt but at the end of the day I have a lovely husband and two great kids! They are all that matters.
I can fully understand every story on this post-xx

Mics_chick

gilly41 wrote:

My mum came and told me I have been written out of their will and that my brother has been left everything to the tune of £250K!!!!

Your dignity, self-respect and peace of mind are worth all the money in the world - you did the right thing if you're now happy as you are...:T :T

CFC

If it will bring you more peace of mind to cut them out of your life, do so. You owe them nothing. Dump them.

Sometimes it's hard because you can feel that you don't 'belong' to a family, but hey, if it's not a happy and warm place to be, why go on belonging to it? There are a lot of nice and kind people in the world. Good friends are better than bad family. The only word of advice I would offer is to make sure that you have good friends when you are in this kind of situation. Good friends will be a support for life. Don't just rely on husband and husband's family.

greenmoneysaver_2

Mrs K - my heart goes out to you.

It is not easy to admit you have been emotionally pushed to the edge and that you now want to try and resolve it rationally, emotion and rationality don't often mix!

Maybe speak to your dad on his own and see if you can build a bridge there?
He may be feeling as bullied and abused as you, and although that makes him appear an enabler, he may be a victim.

Thia was what happened with my family. Luckily for us my mother left and although I persevered with the relationship it has now broken down, and I am happy with no contact with her.
The bright side is I now have a better realtionship with my dad, and many of the controlling things she did upset my dad too, but as it was his wife he didn't feel he could confide in his (then) young daughter.

It may give you a very different view of their relationship!

Good luck.

sanfrancisco

It sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

http://www.suite101.com/external_link.cfm?elink=http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com

The games, the refusal to see any other point of view, the twisting so you get confused. Basically her whole world revolves around her, and she is like the queen - in her eyes. Get reading, it may make you feel more able to detach yourself. I have alot of experience, and I really feel for you. x

stefejb

I haven't spoken to my mother in years - nothing formal - just stopped phoning or making any other effort really. This was due to her alcoholism and some difficulties that i was having in my parenting because i hadn't been parented well. At first i felt guilty about my lack of guilt but that soon passed. Sometimes my dds say that they want to contact her (they are 10, 17 and 21) and i have no objections to this at all but they've never bothered - they just seem happy to know that if they wanted to contact her in the future they would not be making a choice between us
hth and good luck

cazziebo

Really feel for you, Mrs King.

I'm one of 5 and we've all had a poor relationship with our mother - although she would select a different one to pick on at different times. can't bring myself to say some of the things she's done. We could never understand why but my dad adored her and backed her up all the way. she left him (after 41 years) when he was diagnosed with parkinson's and my sister had to give up work to look after him. She really broke his heart. However, she was family, my daughters' gran and so on so I still visited her,helped her out with finding somewhere to live, gave her money etc. She would say really poisonous stuff to my kids about me and my brothers and sisters and constantly ran their dad (my ex with whom I'm on good terms) down to the ground. The final straw was when on hearing my dad had terminal cancer, she wrote to him AT THE HOSPITAL saying she'd instructed the lawyers to stop divorce proceedings because he was worth more to her dead.

So three out of the five of us have nothing to do with her at all. when I think about it I'm really sad, and my children who are now teenagers sometimes ask about her.

I still think I made the right decision but a difficult one to live with. But I no longer have to tolerate that poison in my life any more, and now I'm distant from it, that's what I see it as. I've found real comfort from some of the comments made on here -thank you so much people.

Thinking of you MrsKing - do what you need to do.

much love and hugs

Cazzie
xx

jezebel

MrsKing wrote:

Hi, thanks for all of you replies....

The problem I have is that my Mum will not accept responsibility for what she does, it is never her 'fault' but someone elses. She also won't admit things that she has done and has very selective memory about events in the past. I have tried to talk to her civilly but she twists things round so much you lose track of what the real issue is that you want to talk about.

It sounds as though she doesn't want to change. You have a chance to make a difference with your children and it sounds like you have your head screwed on right - maybe you need to move away, if not physically then emotionally, and distance yourself from this.