Help with horrible parents

MrsKing

Hi, I would really appreciate some feedback here! Sorry if this is the wrong place to post.

I have had a difficult relationship with my Mother since my early teens. Without being too dramatic she really isn't the nicest person, there have been many incidents where she has been verbally/violently abusive towards me (it is much worse when she has been drinking) and she is just horrible to me. About ten years ago she and my Dad 'disowned' me and didn't speak to me for a year because they didn't like my boyfriend and I wouldn't dump him (I was 22!!!!). He is now my wonderful husband and father to my 2 young children.

We speak now but our relationship has always been strained and my Mother continues to try and cause trouble, she lies and to cut a long story short I have now had enough of it all. In the past I have never really stood up to her because I have always wanted their approval and love. The other night I had a row with her after she had annoyed me, and for the first time, I told her and then my Dad some home truths. Because I lost my temper she managed to escape as the injured party.

I have got to the point now that I don't want to have anything to do with them. I have two small children and I don't want their lives to be affected by someone who is so poisonous. I don't have any relationship with my Dad and although he isn't the nasty piece of work she is he certainly 'enables' her behaviour.

As far as I can see I will never be able to enjoy my life when I am constantly being treated badly by parents who don't think very much of me and by a Mum who lies and twists every situation she can.

Does anyone else have any experience of cutting family members out of their lives or have advice to offer. I appreciate that it sounds extreme but really I don't see any other way forward.

Thanks!!!

AnnieH

Hi there. I can sympathise as I don't get on with my mum. She's not nasty but very self-obsessed and everything is about her, and if she doesn't sgree with you then you are wrong. Luckily, I live 200 miles away from her, so if I want to avoid her, I simply don't ring her.:)

Are you close (geographically) to your mum? If you are sure you want to cut her out of your life, then I think the first thing (apart from moving house) is to change your phone numbers. Your children sound as htough they'd be better off without them in thierlives, so you won't be depriving them of grandparents.

I think honesty is the best way to go. Tell them why you don't want them in your life any more. Then just leave it at that. If they start to cause trouble, then call the police.

Other than that I don't know what you could do, but I'm sure there will be others who have done this, so will be able to give better advice.

Good luck
((((hugs))))

jezebel

I can understand why you don't want such a person in your life, or that of your children but it is a huge upheaval to completely cut them out of your lives, I think that perhaps you should try talking to her civilly about things that happened in your past, she may not realise how you feel and perhaps you need to see a counsellor or a therapist about your issues from growing up. If your parents cannot respond to you with the respect that you deserve as an adult then you are within your rights to stay away and to ask them to do the same.

glenstan

My mother was treated the same by her parents, they did not like my father . My father and mother were married to each other for over 30 years and brought up 8 children together , she often said she never found the courage to stand up to them till she was married and then when she had her third child she had stopped trying to please them. She was determined that we her children were not going to witness rows and the annoying habits her father in particular had of being , argumentative and controlling

themaccas

Hi MrsKing, you will never be free unless you break the ties and 'disown' them. They have had a power/hold over you all your life and you have reached the point of no return. I also had my family (complete - parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters) disown me from the age of 16 and I have forged a wonderful life independent and free - married to a wonderful OH with 3 kids. 5 years ago (17 years after I left home at 16) they wanted to make up, I tried and we have limited contact but it will never be 'normal'. Being with your OWN family (hubbie and kids) is what is important without the additional poison and stress. I hope you work things out for yourself, only you can decide what is right for you if that makes sense!
hugs
x

James_N

MrsKing wrote:

Hi, I would really appreciate some feedback here! Sorry if this is the wrong place to post.

I have had a difficult relationship with my Mother since my early teens. Without being too dramatic she really isn't the nicest person, there have been many incidents where she has been verbally/violently abusive towards me (it is much worse when she has been drinking) and she is just horrible to me. About ten years ago she and my Dad 'disowned' me and didn't speak to me for a year because they didn't like my boyfriend and I wouldn't dump him (I was 22!!!!). He is now my wonderful husband and father to my 2 young children.

We speak now but our relationship has always been strained and my Mother continues to try and cause trouble, she lies and to cut a long story short I have now had enough of it all. In the past I have never really stood up to her because I have always wanted their approval and love. The other night I had a row with her after she had annoyed me, and for the first time, I told her and then my Dad some home truths. Because I lost my temper she managed to escape as the injured party.

I have got to the point now that I don't want to have anything to do with them. I have two small children and I don't want their lives to be affected by someone who is so poisonous. I don't have any relationship with my Dad and although he isn't the nasty piece of work she is he certainly 'enables' her behaviour.

As far as I can see I will never be able to enjoy my life when I am constantly being treated badly by parents who don't think very much of me and by a Mum who lies and twists every situation she can.

Does anyone else have any experience of cutting family members out of their lives or have advice to offer. I appreciate that it sounds extreme but really I don't see any other way forward.

Thanks!!!

I was lucky. With my problem (see more or less immdiately below) I was able to go to counsellng paid for by work. And it made a difference. Bear in mind I am the have a cup of tea and get over it yourself type - the opportunity to speak to a totally non-judgemental and supportive advisor, who sees the issue clearly is VERY good. I was wary and cynical at first and spent several months denying that I would get benefit - but I relented one day and was glad.

So, ADVICE No. 1 - seek professional advice. I would seek the opinion / referral of my GP first. Ensure that whoever you see is professinally acredited.

Issues with nasty parents are always going to be hard. It involves WHO YOU ARE as well as their behaviour. You may have not been blameless either, and you have the kids to think about. So none of this is easy. As in my case, you are also bound up with another parent, who contibutes even indirectly to the problem.

ADVICE No. 2 - do not have a scene with her. Manipulative and egotisical people LIKE to cause the distress and hurt they cause. My mother fed off the attention she drew to herself consiously and unconsiously. So I think dramatic gestures or showdowns are ruled out. She WON"T CARE how much more hurt she causes.

ADVICE No. 3 (from my own advisor). Draw a line in your mind under this behaviour of hers. Don't repeat it back to her, or anywhere else. My advisor said "the first time this happens is a tragedy, to repeat it is a farce". Yet "bad" ways of behaving often run in families like inherited disease.

ADVICE No. 4. Don't "cut off completely" leave a door open. You must consider this (dunno how old all of you are). If she dies in say 10 years time and your dad's been frozen out, how will he get back to you then? SHE might even change, though my own experience tells me this behaviour pattern is life-long.

I wish you some peace, eventually.

silvercar

the fact that your thinking of totally disowning them shows that you still have issues be it anger or emotional baggage or whatever.

you want to adopt a like it or lump it attitude but maintain the contact.

a friend (in your situation) said that when her mother eventually passes away she will grieve for the mother she never had rather than the one she lost.
in the meantime she established a relationship with her parents on her terms. Ignore all the emotional garbage and take what is given with a smile and ignore the rest.

best of luck!

Bogof_Babe

There is a book called Toxic Parents that I am sure you could get via Amazon.

My advice would be to pick the right moment then tell your parents together that you are an adult now, same as them, and if you don't get on then that's just life. You wish them well but are not responsible for making them happy or pleased with you.

Make sure they understand that you are quite prepared to be as civil with them as you would be with anyone else, but you do not have to put up with unpleasantness, and the ball is in their court.

Don't feel guilty. Parents are simply two individuals who happened to be able to make babies. They are not, nor should we expect them to be, supreme beings incapable of any negative behaviour.

James_N

silvercar wrote:

a friend (in your situation) said that when her mother eventually passes away she will grieve for the mother she never had rather than the one she lost.

This is very true. It happened to me. You think of all the might have beens and what ifs and blame yourself for the less than ideal life you had.

You have to recognise that this happened, and then stop wondering and blaming and move forwards. Easier said than done.

MrsKing

Hi, thanks for all of you replies....

The problem I have is that my Mum will not accept responsibility for what she does, it is never her 'fault' but someone elses. She also won't admit things that she has done and has very selective memory about events in the past. I have tried to talk to her civilly but she twists things round so much you lose track of what the real issue is that you want to talk about.

MrsKing

It is true that this kind of thing runs in families....my Mum's Mum has treated her (and me) in the same way. I now have a daughter and I am determined that it won't continue. That is why I am so keen to cut all contact with her.