Desperate

thesaint

I know nothing other than what you have told here, but your Husband would've been very upset(understanderably) when he threatened to leave last time.

I think that if he found out by himself that you had hid it all again he may carry out his threat. If you do as I suggested, it would reduce this by a great amount. I know if I was your husband which one i'd prefer.

I had a girlfriend who did something similar after I sorted out her finances, she came clean in the end, I was dissapointed but proud at the same time.

chevalier

At the moment you writing 'voice' sounds like you a panicking. You sound like you have these thoughts whirling round and round in you head, so much that you can't think straight, let alone think that there might be a solution.

I was like that, but not about debt. I couldn't understand why I couldn't cope with every day tasks like the house work, the children, my OH. Turns out that I had pretty bad depression, that was triggered by a stressful birth (my ds2) and my nephew dieing at 36 weeks. I could see the 'real me' on the other side of a thick glass wall, and I was on the this side feeling totally out of control.

I got a lot of help from my GP. The medication has calmed me down enough to function mostly fine. There are still areas I have to work on, and I will need councelling for that when I am up to it.

What I am trying to say (sorry for the ramble), is that until you have your panic under control, the debt will seem huge, insurmountable, that it will never go away.

But you know that it will - even if you do nothing it will go down slowly. But for now you need to take the temptation away, and that means cutting up the cards.
Then you need to set a budget for ALL of your yearly expenses (ie everything and divide by 12 for each thing).

If you don't want to tell your husband, but you still want his help, how about saying that you want save up some money for overpaying the mortgage or for your child university. That way he can help you buy eg researching the cheapest gas/electric/insurances etc, and the money saved can go to pay off the debt. Would this work? By paying off your debts faster you would be getting into a position to be able to help your children later.

I think it is pretty poor that he threatens to leave you if you mess up the finances again, and leaves you to still sort it out. It places a terrible burden on you, which is unfair.

As a final point, I don't know if this is possible, but have you had a chat with the CCCS or Payplan regarding a Debt Management Plan? This might take the stress out of the situation (their links are at the top of the forum). If you went into DMP to pay your debts, you could let it run a while and then tell him the problem, BUT ALSO have a solution in place (the DMP).

I have every sympathy with your plight, I was there 12 months ago. My despair wansn't about money, but it was bad enough
chev

Bloody_Hell_2

thesaint wrote:

I know nothing other than what you have told here, but your Husband would've been very upset(understanderably) when he threatened to leave last time.

I think that if he found out by himself that you had hid it all again he may carry out his threat. If you do as I suggested, it would reduce this by a great amount. I know if I was your husband which one i'd prefer.

I had a girlfriend who did something similar after I sorted out her finances, she came clean in the end, I was dissapointed but proud at the same time.

This is what I'm hoping to do - i don't want to lie to him anymore but I can't until i've sorted something- I have to be strong to sort this.

I've sat and started to write 2 lists that i'm taking to the doctors tomorrow.
1 is how it feels when i'm not spending money, the other when I am.

I can't really believe how liberating just this has been. And looking at the lists, i really do think I have a problem (depression?) It's astounding to see the words on the paper that describe the feelings I get.

I've also been on the cccs website?

I have a glimer of light - if I can sort my head out and come clean to my husband and he doesn't leave me, they have a DMP I can arrange.
If he leaves me, I'm going to have to not think about that at the moment!
I can't, my faint glimmer dies.

yung

It is hard sometime to understand why you do something without realising the consequences. but you realised that you got a problem and you want to sort it out and you have come to the best place for help and advice.

as Hypno06 said you need to find the cause of the problem then it will be easy to find an answer of how you are going to deal with it.

my suggestion will be to write down a budget of what money is coming in and what bill you need to pay out and any surplus try to pay off your debt. but you must be strong, disciplined and not spending anymore on unnessary thing you don't need.

If you need help to save money Post an S.O.A (state of affair) look here: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=107280 then the good peoples can help you.
Good luck

liz.._4

Hi BH,

Welcome to the forums and well done for having the courage to post. There is a lot of help and support on here from people and I'm sure they'll all be along in a minute!

I agree with the previous posters but just wanted to say hello and offer my moral support.

Take baby steps and try to tick one thing off your list per day, don't try to do it all at once or it will be too overwhelming.

Keep posting and we will all try to help.

Bloody_Hell_2

thank you all so much that have taken the time to answer my post.

This morning I was feeling as I have for a while, Desperate. After seeing Martin On GMTV I did a google and came across this site.

Already I feel so much better - I wouldn't have thought i'd 'have a goal' but I do
I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, I have written some thoughts to take with me.
I've seen that there may be a practical solution for me to pay my debts.

I don't want to think any further - just thinking about tomorrow and trying to be in a postion, at the end of the month, to be able to 'come clean' with my husband and 'get well'.

Thank you

anniestar

Hi just wanted to say a warm welcome to you an dhow very brave you are being. You will get loads of support and advice on here. You have a lot going for you. two beautiful and clever children, a husband you love and that loves you. You have EVERYTHING to live for. Going to see gp is an excellent idea see you are ALREADY making progress. Finally why not spend a few minuites visiting the OS(old style board) you will get FANTASTIC advice about saving money on food and such like.This may make you feel more in control. Anyway take care and remember there is ALWAYS someone arround on here, you are NOT alone.

Bloody_Hell_2

anniestar wrote:

Hi just wanted to say a warm welcome to you an dhow very brave you are being. You will get loads of support and advice on here. You have a lot going for you. two beautiful and clever children, a husband you love and that loves you. You have EVERYTHING to live for. Going to see gp is an excellent idea see you are ALREADY making progress. Finally why not spend a few minuites visiting the OS(old style board) you will get FANTASTIC advice about saving money on food and such like.This may make you feel more in control. Anyway take care and remember there is ALWAYS someone arround on here, you are NOT alone.

How do I find the OS board?

seven-day-weekend

Bloody_Hell wrote:

How do I find the OS board?

Money Saving Old Style. Here's the link:


http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/forumdisplay.html?f=33

Diver

Hi BH

I had my light bulb moment last week and told my wife all about my debts last Thursday. I also told her what plans I had already formulated so at least it wasn’t ALL bad It was one of the scariest moments I have ever had but now I feel much better and we are working together to solve the problem.

Good luck