Elderly parents appliance issues.......

phoebe1989seb

Hi all,

Just wanted to see if I'm alone in having parents who repeatedly seem to be having problems with their appliances and which I think is more likely down to their age rather than the appliances failing................

To explain, I'm an only child who currently lives an hour and a half away from my elderly parents with my DH. My parents had me quite late in life so whilst DH and I are in our early/mid-forties my parents are 81 and 83. Until 4 years ago we lived locally to them but in 2007 moved some 3 hours away. Recently we moved a bit closer but due to DH's work we are still over an hour away and as I don't drive and there's no station in our village I cannot get to them easily without DH to drive me. We try to get to visit them every two or three weeks and they have good neighbours, although I'm forever trying to explain to my mum that she cannot rely on neighbours to do shopping etc for them. During the summer DH and I carried out some repairs to their house in order to help out but realistically speaking they need to downsize as the house maintenance is too much for them now.

At the time of moving closer we suggested they move with us and that we would look for a house with annex facilities but they are fiercely independent and wouldn't consider this. In fact my dad wanted to buy a flat but my mum wouldn't have the estate agent in the house to value theirs!

Trouble is my mum's 'forgetfulness' has now developed into full-on alzheimers and whilst she is on drugs for this, she is becoming increasingly difficult for my dad to cope with. In the last few months he has given up driving 'cos of cataracts and has mobility problems although generally his health is not too bad.

Recently though they have had a spate of 'issues' with their appliances and other household items that has made me begin to question whether my dad's sanity is slipping also.............to clarify I will list the problems that have arisen -

1) In July they had Virgin cable TV fitted to the TV in their bedroom - they cannot get it to work properly and are constantly getting neighbours/friends/family to try to fix it when it appears my dad just doesn't understand how to use it.

2) In July they bought a replacement TV for the living room (not connected to Virgin) which my dad reckons doesn't work properly - it does, but he insists on unplugging it at the wall then wonders why it won't switch on by the remote!

3) In August their washing machine suddenly started taking too long to complete a cycle (I think it is 'cos my mum restarts it once it has come to the end of the spin cycle) so my dad got the engineer to check it - nothing wrong he said, but according to dad it's still not right!

4) Also in August their fridge developed some minor problem - they got a new one, but for some reason swapped its position in the kitchen with an integrated freezer and now my mum gets the two confused..........understandably!

5) A couple of weeks ago their antique westminster chime mantle clock (a wedding present) broke down.............overwound by mum maybe?

6) Last week their central heating timer clock broke..........engineer coming tomorrow.

7) Today when I phoned my dad said their cooker (3 years old) has broken and will heat up (hob and oven) but won't switch off/cool down!

Now all of these things seem far too much of a coincidence to me and I'm seriously concerned that a) they're going to rack up huge repair/replacement bills and b) they might burn the house down or something equally bad

I know no-one can help with this, but I really just needed to share it with someone. I seriously believe that having to look after my mum 24/7 is taking its toll on my dad's faculties. My dad realises now that they really would be better off with us, but as we've bought a house that resembles a building site and is completely unsafe even for them to stay for a short period, for them to live here with us would not be possible and even if it were, my mum is adamant that she won't move from her home...........

Apologies for the long post and thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it

Phoebe x

bratz81

yes this is familiar, although with my granny not a parent.
My dad lived with my granny before she died, and he used to tell me things she got up to when she started getting dementia. One was that she was convinced the washing machine wasn't working it was too loud. she had the engineer out every week and couldn't be convinced it was fine. Even got my dad to buy a new one, only it had the same 'issue'.

She also had the 'cooker isn't cooling down' thing, only she wasn't switching it off so of course it wasn't cooling down!

I can't offer much advice as I've never been in that situation, but I can only reassure you that you're not the only one.

Supermom

Could you contact their GP? It might be worth asking for a Social Services referal.

I'm sure someone else will be able to offer more advice.

Good luck

victory

................................................

onlyroz

If your mum does have Alzheimer's, and your dad is her full-time carer, then there will be funding available to help her. She should be able to have somebody visit (every day if necessary) to help with daily needs, and there should be day-care centres that can take her a few times a week so that your dad can have a break. Their GP would be the best starting point for advice, I would think.

Old_Joe

phoebe1989seb



Just to say that my heart goes out to you.

I am an octagariun and although I have lost most of my 'marbles' I mercifully, AND thankfully, haven't reached your parents state yet.

phoebe1989seb

Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive posts It is so touching for complete strangers to take an interest and be so helpful!

I know they do get attendance allowance which my dad did think they wouldn't be entitled to because of their financial position, but as far as I'm aware they have never been offered the opportunity for any respite care. I'm sure even if they were, it would be a struggle to get my mum to go, but my dad really could do with a break.

Last year when we were living farther away and she wasn't quite so bad we did have her to stay for a few days to give him a rest, but after only three days she became so distraught at being separated from him that we had to take her home once DH got home in the evening. This wouldn't be so bad if we had been living closer but it's not possible to just drop everything straight away to take her home with DH working etc. Now even when we've offered to have her here for the day (when the weather was better and we could spend time sitting in the garden with things to distract her) she won't come without my dad so it ends up being less of a break for him than we had intended. Not only that, but because of her illness she has all sorts of phobias and fears - flies, rain and perfume aromas being the most recent.

I will try to get something arranged regarding some respite care though - it's just so difficult to persuade them that these things are for the best.......

In the meantime fortunately the gas engineer and the guy coming to 'fix' the oven are trusted tradesmen that have been employed by the family for many years, so hopefully they won't try to rip them off!

I just hope this is a 'phase' which will come to an end before some disaster happens as I'd never forgive myself, although I have a nasty feeling things will only get worse

Thanks again to you all

Oh and Old Joe - thank you especially - you remind me of my husband's dad - he was 80 this year but still goes hiking and camping on his own and is on facebook too x

fantasticfive

(((Hugs))) to you and your parents.

Been there, experienced that.
My mums old twin tub gave up the ghost and we thought that it would be easier for her to finally get an automatic, big mistake! We went to the shop, spent ages with an assistant explaining the options, mum choosing the one she wanted, only to have her phone us constantly about the machine flooding her kitchen..... she wasn't waiting for the spin cycle but would open the door and out would gush the water.
The phone rang one night & I could hear her muttering " why isn't this TV working?" she was using the phone keypad to try to change channels and had somehow got through to me :eek:
the list goes on and we can laugh about it now, but at the time it was very upsetting for her as she couldn't remember things and ANY change in routine/ circumstances set her off.
We eventually ( after a long battle with SS, she'd been wandering outside & setting fire to dishtowels etc.) got her a place in a residential home & she loved it, had a better social life than we did ( having small children to care for, at the same time as rescuing mum).
Good luck, and please ask their GP for a referral to Social services, as your dad is the main carer, he should be assesed too, to see if there is anything he needs help with.
xoxo

Caroline_a

It might not be that your dad is also going down the altzeimers route, OP. My dad, who retained all his marbles until he died at 93 struggled for the last few years with electrical devices. I lived with him for the last 4 years, and during this time bought a new microwave. He had owned a microwave for years, but despite many long training sessions with me, never quite managed to work it.

It was almost as if he wasn't up to learning new motor responses, which is really sad, as he had been a headmaster during his working life, and had spent most of his retirement having a whale of a time entertaining, playing golf and generally having a very nice life.

Have you thought of suggesting that they get in some carers to, for example, do some cleaning/cooking/shopping which would give an extra person to help in case the electric devices 'break down' again?

spaghetti_monster

Hi there and sorry to hear about your troubles - I've got some experience with both my own family and the in-laws.

Maybe not everyone will agree with me (I guess it will vary from person to person), but I often think that you can organise things/take control/ interfere (whatever you'd like to call it) more than you think.
I have been in several situations where I wish I had done more, but it's almost like there's a lot of the old parent-child dynamic still left and you somehow stand back and let parents do what they think is best. It can be difficult to tell yourself that sometimes they don't.

For example: Mum (who cared for my dementia suffering Dad at home) is far to polite and under-states everything when dealing with doctors, SS etc. She didn't want me to help out with calls, but I said to her I'm going to anyway (in a nice way) and got things moving much more quickly. I know that some family members think that this sort of thing treads on her toes, but I feel more like I should take greater responsibility.

An example of a failure on my part: I went to help FIL with his garden. He should have eaten lunch, but he said he wasn't hungry. He should have stayed in the house but he wanted to come and help. I thought, OK, I'm not fighting/pushing him to do what he doesn't want to. Before I knew it I was stuck down the garden, 100m from the house with a baby in a pushchair and him almost collapsing, needing to be half carried, wondering how the hell I was going to get us all back to the house. Luckily a carer turned up for a visit at that point and rescued us - but I realised it was another one of those situations where I should have known better and taken responsibility.

Mojisola

phoebe1989seb wrote: »

I just hope this is a 'phase' which will come to an end before some disaster happens as I'd never forgive myself, although I have a nasty feeling things will only get worse

In the light of personal experience, I think this is optimistic. Things are likely to steadily get worse and it's worth planning with that in mind.

Your parents definitely should have an assessment by a Social Worker and possibly an Occupational Therapist if there are any mobility issues. Your Dad should have a Carer's Assessment. This should include setting up an emergency procedure in case your Dad is taken ill and suddenly can't cope at home.

You can talk through the problems with AgeUk and the Alzheimer's Society. They will have heard the same problems many times before.

Remember also to look after yourself. It's can be quite a strain on you and you need to keep well so that you can be there for them.