Elderly parents appliance issues.......

phoebe1989seb

Hi all,

Many thanks again for your support and sorry to hear I am not alone in having to deal with these difficult issues.

At the weekend we visited my parents and tried to tactfully suggest they would benefit from some assistance. This (as I had expected) was met with my mum launching into a 'I'm getting palpitations and about to have a heart attack' routine............a routine she has demonstrated previously when things she doesn't like are suggested. We had to drop the subject as she was getting visibly more and more agitated.

My dad was showing increased signs of confusion - when we arrived on Saturday he was firmly convinced it was Friday and wouldn't accept that he was wrong.........their TV guide was open to Friday and the white board they keep in the kitchen supposedly to help my mum realise what day it is, still had Friday's date written on it. Additionally he told us he had informed visiting friends that our DS who has just started a graduate job with a law firm in London is earning £2500 per year (actually it's £22,500) and that the friend responded that their son (something important at BP) earns £1000 per year :eek: In the next breath he informed us that he'd been told by someone that council-employed gardeners earned £45 per hour.............when we tried to explain that none of these facts could be correct within the context of each other, he insisted that they were and we were wrong.

DH investigated both the ailing cooker and central heating thermostat only to discover nothing amiss with either. Despite this, my dad insisted he was getting the heating engineer back to out things right and that he intends to buy a new cooker. We also went through both the new TV and the Virgin stuff with him - again there was nothing wrong with the TV (just him pressing the remote buttons too many times so that for example, instead of channel 1 (BBC 1) he got channel 111. 'cos he'd pressed the button three times due to not understanding there was a delay between pressing the button and the desired channel loading. As for the Virgin package DH says it's just that it's far too complex for them (obviously) and my dad had already decided he's going to cancel it.

We left feeling we had achieved very little - apart from completely tidying up their garden and doing other odd jobs. On Monday we had a call at 7am from their neighbour to say my dad had been trying to contact us since the previous night as he thought they had an intruder. As it turned out this was only the neighbour's DH going off to work at 6.30am and removing his car from their shared drive. However, when I called my parents to reassure them all was well (the neighbour had already done so in person), he didn't know who I was - even my mum with her Alzheimers even said to him in the background 'it's your daughter!'. It turned out that the calls he thought he had made previously to me were to our DS's mobile where he had left a message thinking it was our number............

The next day I called them to check all was well and went through a similar scenario - he didn't realise who it was on the phone..........just kept saying 'hello hello' and then walked away to find my mum whilst leaving the phone off the hook I presume...............he never came back so after 5 minutes waiting I hung up and called again - the phone was still off the hook. This continued for some 30 minutes or so until apparently he once again called DS who then called me to let me know his grandad had called him thinking it was our number. When I eventually got hold of my parents by phone later on, my mum said 'your father's getting mixed up' about everything - something I didn't expect my mum with her Alzheimers to have noticed!

DH and I are now left struggling to know what to do to help. It's such a shame, there is an empty house adjoining ours which had things been different could have been an ideal solution to the problem. It's not yet up for sale but I understand it may be soon. However, apart from her disinclination to move, it's a thatched house (which could be dangerous considering their recent track record with appliances - I see them burning it down if we weren't careful) and they would probably find our village lacking in the facilities they require...........doctors etc.

Just a quick query after my latest rant (for which I apologise) - is it possible for me to get them referred to the social services for care in their home or does this have to be done by them through their own GP?

Many thanks again,

Phoebe x

Newly_retired

Oh poor you- this must be so distressing.
If they lived in my area I would say, go on to their local authority's website and search for Community Care Assessment. It may not be the same for theirs but I guess something similar will come up. There will be some way you can get their needs assessed.
It looks as though the situation has become pretty urgent, and you being at this distance is so difficult for you ( have been in similar situation myself). Have you contacted their GP recently? Can s/he help?
I recall my mum telling her GP how she cooked meat and 3 veg every day and other bits of wishful thinking of what she used to be able to do, so it is really helpful if you are there to prompt a more truthful version of events.
Don't even think about moving them to be with you. By the sound of it they could not cope with the move, nor will they be able to continue to manage in their own home much longer.
Sorry to sound pesimistic about the future, but I think it is realistic.
All the best to you.

Arthurian

I just wonder if, as both parents are now forgetful/incompetent, perhaps there's some other factor to consider. Maybe the gas boiler or fire needs checking for carbon monoxide leaks or something? Probably not the issue, but worth checking?

pinetree

Hi I am also in the same situation as yourself I really understand what your going through its so hard, we also had a property next to ours for sale but my parents said the stress of moving would be too much which i believe as my mother worries so much about everything. I have offered online shoping but they say at the moment they are ok although they now order meals from a company that they reheat which saves on cooking, I think our next step is to gradually involve social services to help with domestic stuff which they would pay for, but i think the biggest hurdle is the fact that they dont want help and refuse to admit that they do, mine are also in their 80 s I hope this helps in someway its hard i know.
best wishes

Catti

What strikes me is that Dad's 'behaviour' has worsened suddenly. My MIL was living happily independent until she got a water infection, and she became a nightmare!! Fortunately, antibiotics largely sorted it and we notice the signs much more quickly now. Might be worth getting him checked out??

margaretclare

Catti wrote: »

What strikes me is that Dad's 'behaviour' has worsened suddenly. My MIL was living happily independent until she got a water infection, and she became a nightmare!! Fortunately, antibiotics largely sorted it and we notice the signs much more quickly now. Might be worth getting him checked out??

It's well known that urinary tract infections can and do cause confusion. Part of this is because older people do not drink enough.

Not sure if this is helpful. A wineglassful of cranberry juice daily is said to act as a 'natural' antibiotic.

Errata

Phoebe - I think it's time you made an appointment with your parent's doctor to discuss their state of health and helplessness and what could be done. I suspect they are both dangerously close to being at risk of coming to some harm through their forgetfulness - a high risk of harming themselves or each other. I know it's hard, but something has to be done about their situation and clearly they're incapable of that.
They both need to be assessed for home care, the GP can refer, and your mother can't make any sensible decision about whether she wants that or not because her judgment has gone.
HTH

meritaten

Phoebe - I know it sounds as if your dad has suddenly developed dementia - but it may be worth taking him to the GPs for some basic health checks! I honestly think that he has not been taking care of himself, to the extent that he may be suffering dehydration or a UTI. This would explain the sudden decline. But, of course I am not a doctor and not allowed to diagnose on here - just suggesting a reason for his recent behaviour!
both my Nan and my Aunt suffered Alzhiemers - its a cruel illness and affects everyone around the sufferer. It normally comes on really slowly though - sometimes we wondered if WE were losing our marbles!!!! nan was so insistent she was ok!
It's hard on you as you live so far away. I would speak to Social Services and their GP and explain what is going on - believe me they will have experience of this, and in both my nans and my aunts case were invaluable! Age concern are good too - but the best advice was from the Alzhiemers society.
Respite can be arranged for both mum and dad - anything from a couple of hours break to a couple of weeks - but like everything else - it HAS TO BE ASKED FOR! you don't get even information unless you ask for it! be prepared for lots of form filling and to be persistent about things. dont accept 'sorry, but we dont have the funding' or any variation of it! Ask Ask and Ask again!
I hate to be negative - I wish I COULD say that things will get better with your parents - but the fact is - they wont. All you can do is to do your best to make them comfortable, SAFE and happy!
my heart goes out to you, and those other posters who have shared their experiences of dementia and Alzhiemers - my nan and aunt are both deceased now - and years on I remember them as they were before the disease took hold.

CH27

My grandad suddenly didn't know who I was & was very confused. He had a water infection & needed strong antibiotics. Once they kicked in he knew who I was again.

phoebe1989seb

Thanks so very much to everyone who has posted..........you are all so kind. I will definitely have to take the advice given and arrange to speak to their GP about their condition and the help available - I honestly hadn't realised this was possible because of doctor/patient confidentiality issues. Dehydration definitely could be a possible cause as I know in the past they haven't really had enough liquid intake - will look into this also as we will most likely be there again at the weekend..........

Thanks again - your support is truly appreciated!

Phoebe x