what can I do?

Thriftking

We did sit down and discuss joint finances....

My initial plan was to deposit £400 each into a bills account. The bills come to significantly less than this and and when the balance in the bills account balance exceeded £1000 and surplus would be transferred into an ISA.

She earns £17k-19k and I'm on £25k.

Assuming its £17k she takes home £1,145.20 per month.

She commutes 167miles per week which in my/our car should cost £25/wk or £102/pm.
She spends £252/pm on cigarettes!, £200 per month on bills, I know she is repaying £200 to an old loan company.

By my maths that's £1,145.20-£754=£391..

From that £391 she needs to get 2 weeks worth of shopping which prob comes to £100 at the most..

I do worry that if things go pear shaped she has no house, car or deposit for a new place of her own...She identifies this but seems to do nothing. She says 'she will tighten her belt' I ask how....On what...

She can't answer.

CH27

If you continue this relationship you will have this headache all your life.

RichGold

Fisher1981 wrote: »

She spends £252/pm on cigarettes

I don't understand why this is socially acceptable these days. If someone spent £250 on amphetamines or weed, they would be branded a junky. If someone spend £250 a month at the bookies, people would say they had a serious gambling problem. But people spend this amount (and often more) on cigarettes and people just say "they smoke" and its ok.

euronorris

So she's averaging about 20 a day then?? Crikey, for her own health she needs to stop this, or at the very least cut down!

I've smoked before, and before quitting, I cut down first. First to go were fags between arriving at office and lunchtime, and between lunchtime and going home. Then the lunchtime fags disappeared. Then the evening fags. By the time I quit, I was only smoking 2 or 3 a day to and from work. I found that much easier to do. Perhaps you could try suggesting that approach with her.

Or suggesting that she switches to roll ups instead as they are far cheaper. Plus, I found the effort of having to actually roll them meant that I didn't smoke as often as I couldn't be bothered with rolling them! lol

I think you need to say to her 'I'm really worried about the finances. Clearly, it's not working very well at the moment, so can we have a sit down together and look at all of our incomings and outgoings, so that we can figure out what's going wrong and how to tackle it best'.

jakes-mum

An opinion from someone who is married to a man with no money sense.

When I met my husband he got paid every thursday, he paid £50 rent and the rest was gone by sunday, his overdraft was his best friend. On the other hand I was like a vice on my money, you'd have to pry it out of my cold dead hands. I was 17, he was 26, I tried to sort him out, I took over paying his bills for him, did really well until we had an arguement and he spent every penny down the pub.

Now I made my decision (or it was made for me when I fell pregnant at 21) we moved in together, got a mortgage off my credit rating not his. I opened a joint account and both our wages were paid into it, it took time, alot of shouting (by me) alot of spotanious spending and then remorse (by him) before we got to where we are.

I have complete control of our finances, I pay everything, he actually asks me for pub money or game money and wont go to the bank without telling me he is and what he needs it for. Yes I treat him like a child where money is concerned and we do have debt (due to my own sudden illness and things we had to get for me) which I am chipping away at, but he was terrible with money. I did it for the sake of our family, to make sure a roof would remain over our sons head and because I simply couldnt guarantee he would reember to pay the council tax/credit card on time!

The choice is there, you can walk away and find someone else, of stay and accept she might never be any good at money and you will be babysitting her financially the rest of your life.

I think the main thing that helped me was I thought nothing is mine and his, its all ours. His car became part mine, but so did his debts, its our house, our life and our money.

Any

OP, I feel for you, I've been there.
And I am the younger person in relationship, on third of his wages and I manage with my money and he doesn't!!

I went through the finding out about debts (blame put on exes - and I think they were contributory factor for sure, but his lifestyle is to blame too), the defensivenes, the "it's all about money with you" style nasty arguments and all that...

In the end I had to really calm down and speak with force but without raising voice "look, I want nice things in life too, you are stoping me to have them or to enjoy them, because you spend all on you without a second though about anyone else and I either have to bail you out (which I did once and then refused) or I am made short and have to go on holiday with friend as you cannot afford it due to luxurious holidays with your mates. Either we are PARTNERS, or I am out. I am looking for someone to spend my future and have family with, not a bachelor who just happen to have someone to share housebills with and sex on tap".

Unfortunately some people are just incompatible.

JimmyTheWig

Fisher1981 wrote: »

She earns £17k-19k and I'm on £25k.

Would it be easier and fairer all round if you pooled resources.
I'm assuming that she doesn't choose to earn less than you (e.g. chooses to work part time or chooses not to take on more responsibility because she doesn't want to) it's just the way things are right now.
In which case it's not particularly fair that you have more spending money than she does.
And it's certainly not fair on either of you that she is spending all this money that between you you don't have.

So, add together your net income.
Decide on joint expenditure. This might include money into a "food" pot.
Decide which expenses (e.g. her cigarettes, certainly, her gym membership, certainly, her previous loan, maybe, your car (for you), possibly, etc) are not joint.

Take the total joint expenses from the total net income and set up standing orders so that this total is paid into the bills account straight after payday. But my point is that the amount paid into the bills account by each of you should be such that you both end up with the same amount left each to spend as you each want on your non-joint expenses and any treats.

Does this sound fair?

Any

Any wrote: »

OP, I feel for you, I've been there.
And I am the younger person in relationship, on third of his wages and I manage with my money and he doesn't!!

I went through the finding out about debts (blame put on exes - and I think they were contributory factor for sure, but his lifestyle is to blame too), the defensivenes, the "it's all about money with you" style nasty arguments and all that...

In the end I had to really calm down and speak with force but without raising voice "look, I want nice things in life too, you are stoping me to have them or to enjoy them, because you spend all on you without a second though about anyone else and I either have to bail you out (which I did once and then refused) or I am made short and have to go on holiday with friend as you cannot afford it due to luxurious holidays with your mates. Either we are PARTNERS, or I am out. I am looking for someone to spend my future and have family with, not a bachelor who just happen to have someone to share housebills with and sex on tap".

Unfortunately some people are just incompatible.

Just to add - we are still together. He is trying to change. He is only allowed 1 credit card and BT cards. Every year when I ask if he found out the balances on BT cards so we can change deal he snaps he is busy. Every year I slam door behind me on my way out and every year he comes and apologises. It is not easy, but he is trying and we are getting there.
If he wasn't trying I would be out. I mean it. And the trying doesn't mean he says he is trying, it means he discloses the situation and I can see into it, in the changes in statements, the attitude towards money and towards me.