what can I do?

Thriftking

My OH admits that she is awful with money. We have recently moved in together and are very fortunate position in that we do not have to pay any rent (just bills). The idea is we can save for a deposit on a place of our own.

We have one car between us (mine) which I maintain, tax, insure and MOT. She uses it to commute to and from her place of work and pays for the diesel (Leon TDi so its fairly good on juice).

She has previous financial issues which she is repaying £200pcm.

Despite me trying to instil the money saving mantra:

"Do I need it, can I afford it, have I checked elsewhere"
"will I use it, is it worth it, have you checked elsewhere"

She gets paid, rushes out and buys expensive things that we don't need and doesn't have enough to make her monthly contribution towards bills (£200) and food. In addition she says she will pay me back for things like our recent holiday (which I seem to be footing the bill for the whole thing now).

Yet month after month there isn't enough money and she can't repay me! I have also picked up the expense of changing household items to fit in with the new place (all off ebay but still not cheap when added up) and the majority of thee household bills.

I used to be unemployed and had quite carefully planned menus and budgeted our weekly food shop. My OH wanted to take this on after we moved and the planning and budgeting has gone out the window. After shopping at Tesco she 'pops out for a few bits' every day or so and often buys bits at the garage because she buys 20/30 cigarettes a day.

My finances were improving quite rapidly and I was very happy. I have tried discussing her finances with her and she becomes incredibly defensive and won't talk about it. This is putting undue stress on our relationship...

I don't know what to do?

We're supposed to b saving and I have less money now that 3 months ago. I'm hoping after the initial splurge spend on house stuff after a move we may be able to exercise thrift some more but she seems to disregard its virtues completely....

Help!

fannyanna

First things first - stop lending her money.

Then get her to set up a standing order so that her contribution to the bills leaves her account as soon as she gets paid.

Sammy85_2

Firstly stop paying for things for her in the expectation she will pay it back!

If she cant go on holiday because she cant afford her half of the bill then maybe she will prioritise her spending?

Also, if she is using your car she should be contributing to its upkeep, not just putting juice in it.

Household bills - you need to sit her down and work out with her what her share of bills should be. Make sure she knows that these need paying before she goes running out to spend her wages on other stuff.

You need to toughen up. How will she learn if she knows you will always be there to pick up the tab when shes a bit short?

fannyanna

Sammy85 wrote: »

You need to toughen up. How will she learn if she knows you will always be there to pick up the tab when shes a bit short?

This is very true. People need to learn from their own mistakes. If they're always bailed out they wont learn.

I got into a lot of debt in my teenage years. This year (at the age of 26) I finally became debt free. Now I live by a budget and for the first time in my life I save A LOT.

Mym Mum on the other hand was also in a lot of debt a few years ago. My Dad cleared the final £17k and guess what - she's in debt again already. Why? Because she didn't learn the hard way.

Sometimes a bit of tough love is the best thing - even if the other person doesn't realise it's being done with the best intentions.

JimmyTheWig

Fisher1981 wrote: »

I have also picked up the expense of changing household items to fit in with the new place (all off ebay but still not cheap when added up)

Do you both see this as important, or is this something that you want to do which she sees as a waste of money?

But in general, I have no idea how you get someone to change.
I guess it depends how important it is to you.
Will probably only happen if you are really harsh on her and stop giving her money. But if you do this she may well see it as you being really mean and not loving her any more. And it might all go pear-shaped from there.
But if you can't live like you are doing then you need to do something.

Seanymph

You say this is putting undue stress on your relationship - I beg to differ. It is putting the right amount of stress on your relationship because this is a dealbreaker.
Go read any book by Alvin Hall where he discusses money within relationships. He'll tell you how important it is. Or look at Relates figures about how many cite money problems as an issue within their marriage.
I have done what you are doing - and ended up poorer, and on my own several years later. His ex got the blame from him for their money worries and his bankruptcy, but unfortunately he had some sense of entitlement that meant he felt he could spend what he wanted, when he wanted - and I shored that up for years before I wised up.
I'd suggest you wise up sooner.
Of course she gets defensive - she wants nice things and for you to pay the bills, when you bring it up she gets nasty so you shut up and go away and she can have it all her own way.
Stop shutting up - or accept you will have to pay through the nose financially to keep this woman.
Personally I'd never fund anyone again - if they didn't want to be with me and pay their own way, I'd get out. Paying someone to be with you and avoiding making them take on responsibility isn't great for your esteem long term.
keep yourself seperate financially - ensure she pays her half (and you need more of a contribution to your car!) - and make damned sure you don't hand over money to her via 'loans' or anything else. An hour or two in front of Judge Judy will show you the issues that can be raised from that!
You sound lovely.

Thriftking

Initially we agreed she would pay £400 towards household bills, she couldn't afford this so I asked her what she could afford..She said £200.
This does not include her 50% contribution to the food bill.
She has recently signed up to the gym....but went once (I class this as a waste).
We agreed on a holiday we could afford. I had the money available and she didn't but she had said she would repay me.

The issue is she has no concept of her own finances. what should be where and where cost savings can be. therefore she makes commitments to pay things which she cannot honour.

She used to give her mum her bank card to look after until she was 25 so she wouldn't spend it.

I have also picked up the expense of changing household items to fit in with the new place (all off ebay but still not cheap when added up)

I got a washing machine a wardrobe and a bed base. We had none of the above before..I do think they are all fairly important

fannyanna

Try talking (not agruing) to her about her finances.

Maybe suggest first of all about having a discussion and try and win her round.

If she agrees ask her to try and gather as much as she can about her finances (get her bank statements etc) and then sit down together and work out a budget for her.

Once she's worked out how much she has to pay out each month (money to you for bills, gym membership (if this can't be cancelled), mobile phone bill etc) she'll then be able to see what she has as "spending money".

It might be a very good idea for her to open up a seperate bank account for her "spending money". That way she knows she can do with that whatever she wants until it's all gone but the other account she can't touch as it's to cover bills/standing orders.

euronorris

Fisher1981 wrote: »

Initially we agreed she would pay £400 towards household bills, she couldn't afford this so I asked her what she could afford..She said £200.

Which I'm guessing isn't 50% of the bills, right? Does she earn the same as you, more than you or less?

If she's earning the same, or more, then she really should be splitting all the bills 50/50. Otherwise, I am afraid you are just making it easy for not to change.

This does not include her 50% contribution to the food bill.
She has recently signed up to the gym....but went once (I class this as a waste).

How recent? Is she still in the cancellation period? If so, ask her to cancel it, and explain that at the rate she's using it, it would be cheaper for her to pay as she goes. If she then does get into the habit of going regularly, she can sign up again.

We agreed on a holiday we could afford. I had the money available and she didn't but she had said she would repay me.

In future, do not book any holiday until she has the money available. Discuss the plans up front, agree on a budget, and a date in the future for booking it (so she has time to save). If she then doesn't have the money, don't book it.

Go away by yourself, or with a family member or friend instead if you need a break. Sounds harsh, but she needs some tough love here. She's not a kid, so she needs to start acting like an adult in this relationship and not expecting you to fix everything for her.

The issue is she has no concept of her own finances. what should be where and where cost savings can be. therefore she makes commitments to pay things which she cannot honour.

On the Debt Free Wannabee board there are links to a Statement of Affairs calculator. Here it s: http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html Point her to this, and advise her that she needs to take back control of her finances. This tool will help her do that.

She used to give her mum her bank card to look after until she was 25 so she wouldn't spend it.

Alarm Bells! Alarm Bells! Seriously, she needs to grow up. I can tell you now, the ONLY reason she keeps doing this is because someone always bails her out. You need to be firmer with her.

You may also have to consider that if she won't make an effort to change her bad habits (and that is what they are by the way, not who she is as she may argue), then you will have to end the relationship. Unless you are happy to foot the bill for the rest of your relationship, which it doesn't sound like you are.

I got a washing machine a wardrobe and a bed base. We had none of the above before..I do think they are all fairly important

Ultimately, she has to be the one to WANT to change. Unless that happens, nothing will improve. And you need to consider the role you have played in enabling this behaviour of hers, and stop it now. Otherwise you are making a rod for your own back.

Trust me, I've been there. On both sides. Had someone spend all my money and never pay it back, and also been the one spending money I didn't have (credit). There are good reasons why I won't allow my OH to pay off my debt for me - I don't feel I will really have learnt my lesson and I don't want to put that kind of strain on our relationship.

If she does start improving and budgeting etc etc, be prepared to be supportive and recognise that she will have slip ups every now and then. By this, I mean once or twice a year and less than 50 quid. Monthly slips and BIG slips mean she hasn't really changed.

Good luck.

JimmyTheWig

Fisher1981 wrote: »

I got a washing machine a wardrobe and a bed base. We had none of the above before..I do think they are all fairly important

Sorry, when I first read it it sounded like you had green sofas but bought blue sofas because they fitted in better and you had a white toaster but you bought a chrome toaster to match the kettle, etc. Which some would see as wasted money.

Alias_Omega

Jointery thing now, so the car is "ours", and the cash is "ours" etc. When the OH is angry she will throw this against you.

If the OH cant manage the money, I would wash your hands and get her to sort it all out.

As for the debts/holiday balance. Forget about it, its one of them things fella. She will give it you for something, and then she will buy something else for the "house" with it. You waved "bye bye" to that cash when you paid it out.