what can I do?

January20

I think you are going to have to treat her like a child on this. She is behaving like one moneywise so...

Insist that on the day she gets paid there is a direct debit going out of her account into your account so that she doesn't miss paying her share of the bills.

Insist that you are in charge of the food shopping budget. She gives you half the money but you do the buying. After that, if she wants more she can use her own money.

For holidays, do not book anything until she has given you the money. Tell her in advance. Warn her that you want the money before the holiday or she doesn't go with you because you can't afford to pay for her, and you'll find a friend to share the cost with you.

My experience is you can't change a person who doesn't want to change. If you financial attitudes are very different it could be the end of your relationship because eventually you won't be able to put up with it. You shouldn't be worse off because you live together. Quite the opposite.

You need to decide what you want to do, sit her down, explain how you feel and what you expect from her.
Good luck!

ETA: Re-reading your posts, how would she feel if you sat down with her and did a budget just for her: on paper or on an excel doc just to show her what needs to be paid and when and how much money she has as pocket money.

Also, make sure you don't have any financial products with her as you need to protect your credit rating if it's good at the moment.

Desperado99

January20 wrote: »

I think you are going to have to treat her like a child on this. She is behaving like one moneywise so...

Insist that on the day she gets paid there is a direct debit going out of her account into your account so that she doesn't miss paying her share of the bills.

Insist that you are in charge of the food shopping budget. She gives you half the money but you do the buying. After that, if she wants more she can use her own money.

For holidays, do not book anything until she has given you the money. Tell her in advance. Warn her that you want the money before the holiday or she doesn't go with you because you can't afford to pay for her, and you'll find a friend to share the cost with you.

My experience is you can't change a person who doesn't want to change. If you financial attitudes are very different it could be the end of your relationship because eventually you won't be able to put up with it. You shouldn't be worse off because you live together. Quite the opposite.

You need to decide what you want to do, sit her down, explain how you feel and what you expect from her.
Good luck!

I agree with most of this except - She's not a child, according to OP's posts she's at least 25, old enough to be responsible so she needs to grow up. Treating her like a child will not accomplish this.

Go on holiday, take her (it's already booked, not taking her would be a tad churlish) but she will have to pay her way while she's there.

You need to sit down and agree a budget, and she should set up a standing order to you for bills.

You are a partnership and she needs to understand that, show her that you have less money than 3 months ago and the reasons why.

I say this, as I was the spendthrift when I moved in with my OH. Although I was never in debt, I spent every single penny I had every month.... and it continued that way for me until I got pregnant and my priorities changed

Best of Luck

January20

Bunting wrote: »

I agree with most of this except - She's not a child, according to OP's posts she's at least 25, old enough to be responsible so she needs to grow up. Treating her like a child will not accomplish this.

Go on holiday, take her (it's already booked, not taking her would be a tad churlish) but she will have to pay her way while she's there.

You need to sit down and agree a budget, and she should set up a standing order to you for bills.

You are a partnership and she needs to understand that, show her that you have less money than 3 months ago and the reasons why.

I say this, as I was the spendthrift when I moved in with my OH. Although I was never in debt, I spent every single penny I had every month.... and it continued that way for me until I got pregnant and my priorities changed

Best of Luck

Well, perhaps not like a child, but perhaps like a creditor then, because the electricity company or the council would want what is due to them and not accept that she, at 25, thought it was a good idea to spend it all on frivolous stuff. She will only learn if the OP becomes tougher with her. I wouldn't even trust her to pay her way when on holiday: from what the OP has written as it is quite clear that she is expecting him to pick up the bill when she has no money left.

OP, don't give us figures, but does she earn a lot less than you - it's just you said that she couldn't afford £400 per month and frankly, unless you are in a houseshare, it's difficult to live for less (when you factor in rent/ council tax/ utilities/ food etc).

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think she is taking the OP for a ride: £200 per month + 50% of the food bill which could be as low as £100 for 2 people and she cannot pay her way?

Oldernotwiser

I'd be more worried about the fact that she's smoking 20/30 cigarettes a day. Not only does this cost a lot of money but she's damaging her health.

j.e.j.

Difficult one.. I agree with the poster who mentioned the Alvin Hall books, - I think it would be worth a read.

Why does she feel the need to just buy stuff.. is she unhappy or unfulfilled?

I guess she's gotten into the mindset that she can always come to you for cash if (no, WHEN) she runs out.

RichGold

I was in this position in my early 20's (not that long ago!).

I'd either get rid, quickly, or explain to her that this cannot continue and offer to manage her finances (Even if its only for 2 months, so she gets an idea of what real life is like). You could give her an allowance, and ensure that everything that should be paid, i.e. half your combined living expenses, is paid in full and on time. Don't go easy on her, make her pay half, if only to show her that life isn't free. After the 2 months tell her this is what must happen in future or the whole thing can't continue, or continue to manage her finances if that is agreeable to her.

Do you really want this girl to spend all your cash?

What do you suppose will happen when you have none left?

Sambucus_Nigra

What can you do?

You can sit down with her and ask her how long it's going to take before she either shapes up or ships out.

If the bills need a monthly investment of £400 each then £400 is what she should be paying into the pot. If the bills plus holiday spend is £500 per month, then that's what she should be paying.

Honestly, if she cannot find £200 at the moment you've got a huge battle on your hands esp if you save up and get your own place. I hope she's worth it for you.

CH27

Think long & hard if you want to hae this problem throughout your time together?
Do you always want to be bailing her out?
Do you always want to be unsure where the next debt is coming from.

Financial incompatability is very, very hard to overcome.

RichGold

So far she:

1. has free use of a car
2. has free board and lodgings
3. has had a free Holiday
4. has cash from you on tap
5. spends her own money on herself

I'd be happy with just one of that 5. I and most other people are paying for all of them.


It could be argued you're helping a loved one through a tough financial time.

It could also be argued you're being mugged off.

Violetta_2

I wish I knew the answer to this 1, I could be the new Martin if I did. I have been there , my ex went out payday bought cd's booze & stuff. I'd pay the rent, bill's etc. Nothing worked. We split he promised to change, got back together same routine. I ended up with a comparatively small debt on cc's of about £3000 when I finally walked away. 15 yrs later he's in a bedsit on the dole & come giro day most of it goes on booze it's such a shame because he is such an intelligent & kind person. I honestly don't know if you can change people like this. Even now I love going to the bank just before payday & seeing there is plenty money in there (not loaded) & I'm not desperate for payday. Why can't people go & treat themselve with the money that is left in the bank on the day before payday, rather than on payday, it's so much better knowing you really can afford it as all the bill's are paid & your wages are going in tomorrow.
I think you have to have a big talk, take all the good advice given on board & give her a time limit, if thing's haven't changed by the New Year you will walk away.