How much access father to a 13 month Baby

Hagar_uk

probably not best, if there was no child around, I would never have seen her again, I have no wish to control her even if I could.. but sometimes you need to do things for the sake of child greater interest. So far as far as I can see its been only me that has had to given for the greater good

clearingout wrote: »

to be fair, I'm not sure it matters who instigated a split - when things move on, having your ex constantly parked in your front room isn't a good look, is it?! Mine is a bit of a control freak - the few times he has been in the house since we split up, his eyes have been everywhere and anything I have bought, moved around, taken away is commented on in one way or another (he took to commenting on the contents of my recycling bin at one point!). It puts me on edge just having him in the same street, to be honest! You can't parent in that way - might work in the early stages of a split but it's short-lived and both parents need the space to be able to parent as they see fit.

GobbledyGook

My son is just a little older than the OP's little one and he doesn't go away overnight yet. He still BF's twice through the night and I can't express more than a drop (believe me I've tried, but it's been the same with all 3 children). I also think he is too young to be away overnight, due to us being split before he was born it is me he expects to see when he wakes up upset in the night. Luckily in our case my ex is ok with that. He also thinks he is too young.

That said he comes on a Friday after dinner and he puts our son to bed and then he takes our two girls overnight on the Friday and overnight again on alternate Saturdays (he doesn't get them all day every Saturday and Sunday - they are at school and it is only fair that I get the chance to do things with them on the weekend too). He also comes to the house on a Wednesday evening as I go to a craft class and then for a swim. He sorts bath and bed for all 3 children that night. DS doesn't always go down for him though as he obviously cannot feed him to sleep (he doesn't always get fed to sleep, but he still does more often than not).

adamantine

my friend has his daughter (14 months) at least 1 overnight a week and has done since birth and then any time mum says jump so she can go out and get wasted or go on holiday with her latest bloke.

everything has been arranged between themselves and it was amicable for the most part up till yesterday. he lost his job last month and obv cant pay as much maintenence as he has been and CSA have been slow to reasses now she is refusing to let him have the baby on christmas as agreed last year and infact wont let him see the baby at all so he has no option but to go to the solicitors and get a court order now. i advised him to do this from day 1 as she used to be a friend of mine and no longer is due to get mental instability and generally how she lives her day to day life but he hoped she would be grown up.

there is a form in scotland called a Parenting Agreement you can both discuss and sign detailing what arrangements you have come to and provides a bit or reassurance on each side if 1 person starts being awkward and can be used in court.

in the new year i would maybe gently broach the subject of more access and not go straight in with "i want x, y and z" that way you can test the waters. something like "im thinking of going to visit aunt mavis who lives a couple hours away and wanted to take jr and stay overnight so we dont have to drive back late." and see what reaction you get.

jojo_2012_2

My son used to go to his father 11 til 6 on a Sunday. But the useless !!!!!! used to show up and drop off whenever the !!!! he felt like it.

My son doesn't want to sleep over at his place because he's away from home enough with me working all week. Plus his dad make him and his half brother (whose mother he's also split from) share a blow up bed on the living room floor while he had a double bed to himself.

Even though previously I was always open to him sleeping over if he wants, the fact he doesn't works for me because I'll be damned if I'll work my !!!! off all week hardly seeing my son paying every penny for his care myself, only to have his dad enjoy all the weekend time.

Plus his dad is a useless POS

skintchick

DaisyFlower wrote: »

Surely 50/50 should be the starting point, one parent is not more important than the other.

Now I've read down, I see people have already pointed out about breastfeeding mothers.

At 13 months no-one but me would do for my DD - breastmilk was so important to her that there was no way I could have left her even for a few hours let alone a weekend.

Often, in the eyes of a small child/baby, mother IS more important than dad. Its just a biological imperative.

pinkclouds

skintchick wrote: »

Now I've read down, I see people have already pointed out about breastfeeding mothers.

At 13 months no-one but me would do for my DD - breastmilk was so important to her that there was no way I could have left her even for a few hours let alone a weekend.

Often, in the eyes of a small child/baby, mother IS more important than dad. Its just a biological imperative.

Totally agree. And if you are nursing full term/waiting for child to self-wean then it could be a longish time. I think most people I know agree that the night feed(s) are the last to go, even if child is fully weaned during the daytime.

clearingout

pinkclouds wrote: »

Totally agree. And if you are nursing full term/waiting for child to self-wean then it could be a longish time. I think most people I know agree that the night feed(s) are the last to go, even if child is fully weaned during the daytime.

I breastfed all mine - and no. 3 entirely exclusively even though his father and I were separated. He started overnights at 13 months and was still feeding day and night (had me on a piece of string, bless him!) but he still went to dad with his brothers. The longest he stayed was 4 nights - very painful for me but it never stopped him feeding all together.

I am very pro-breastfeeding and self-weaning but I think there is a balance to be found when parents are separated. If I had said no overnights until the child is weaned, we'd still be waiting now at 2 1/2 years and I don't think that's fair to him - he's no different to his brothers, needs a relationship with his dad, why on earth should he not spend that time with dad?

angelsmomma

I just wanted to say something to the few posters who mentioned not being able to afford a solicitor. I was working so not able to get legal aid when my ex petitioned me.

I represented myself in the family court. I wrote to the court before the case saying I would represent myself as I could not afford a solicitor. The judge explains everything and asks if you understand what is going on to make it easier for you. In fact after 3 hearings my ex sacked his solicitor as she was making things worse for him.

Family court are not interested in he said she said bickering, they only care about the interests of the child.

I was very happy with the outcome even though it wasn't exactly what I wanted, I see now (3 years later) that it was best for all of us.

Dontknowanymore

Now we have been to court and had it in writing my son is allowed to see his dad, he goes whenever his Dad asks for him, my son is only 2, almost 3 and I want him to be able to go to Nanna's (His Dad lives with his own Mum) whenever he wants to or vice versa as long as we are all in agreement.
Because when he starts school it will have to be limited to weekends and holidays really.

EDIT: we both represented ourselves and it was SS who made my ex apply to the courts.

Hagar_uk

equilibria wrote: »

First post but yours caught my attention. It's very good that you have both are sensible and have arranged between yourselves suitable access with a routine set up with an eye towards the future.

My BF currently gets 2 hours per month to see his 5 year old daughter which involves his ex and current BF also attending. He would love to have more access like you and take her out on his own but is denied. The saddest thing is that his daughter loves spending time with her dad and its very frustrating with the current setup. Courts would be very expensive and like stated in princessdreamers post would it be for the best? Your post just brought up the thoughts and the issues surrounding the arrangements as well as some of the answers made. He wants to have a bond with his child and be the parent.

I know I am lucky with access I have, it saddens me when I hear about other people who have silly low or non access, because their ex make things difficult, 2 hours a month is an insult unless there are other factors, suggest your BF goes on https://www.dads-uk.co.uk, court is expensive, if you just had it all over to lawyers, but things can be done via LIP or Mackenzie friends