How much access father to a 13 month Baby

Hagar_uk

My reasons are mixed, my sons welfare comes first and some of my reasons may be seen as selfish

1. quality of time with my son, at the moment he spends a lot of the time in my car, i have to drive an hour to see him both days, and when I pick him, need to drive to find anywhere to do things with him, it would be nice to just sit on the floor with his toys and books sometimes, and being able to cook him food etc, instead of having to feed him in a car etc. As winter comes along, it will make things harder.

2. Bathe and put my son to sleep, this is a slightly selfish, but its a bonding experrience and I miss it, despite my ex and me getting odd to some degree (we are going on holiday in a month) she refuses to allow me into her house - No reason, its too emotional apparently.

3. There is someone else in my Exs life (her Ex is, who she has an on/off secret relationship) who is also a close friend who has attached herself to my son, like a magnet, to the extent she has more access to my son than me, I disklike her and don't trust her, and more time I have is less time she has with my son.

4. I want eventually to have shared residence, my ex is a great mum, but some of her lifestyle choices mean I want him to have a stable second home as he grows older. to get to this it needs to be gradual process

If my son could not cope being away from his mum, I am not too proud to change my mind, there is nothing more heartbreaking than her a baby proper scream in stress or pain. But my son is not that clingy except to me it seems.

princessdreamer wrote: »

It sounds like you have a good arrangement. I never understood the need to have children overnight, while my ex has never had my children at all since we split the idea of them crying on a night for me breaks my heart. Just because someone has a legal right does not mean they should do something. The children should always come first.
OP I think you are doing brilliant working together to sort access. Try to stay away from courts if you can it only causes pauin.

Hagar_uk

It has been a huge pain for access and having him overnights and I think used as a weapon against me somtimes, but would I change it, no, despite my son being prem and in nicu for 2 weeks with serious breathing issues, he has not been ill since birth (bar teething) can't really argue against B/F when it is working so well

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Well done your ex for b/f and you for supporting it in your way - I think your forbearance now will pay dividends later.

halibut2209

re feeding

If he's already having the baby for 9 hours, I'm pretty sure that they've already got something sorted in that regards which works for them all

flutterby_lil

Considering your son is 13 months old, surely he is fed food more than breastfed now? He spends quite a lot of hours away from mum during the day so surely she can start to stop the breast for a night a week, and gradually introduce your son to spending a night with you and having you put him to bed, get him up and further increase your bond with him.

You sound like a wonderful caring father, you ought to be proud of yourself.

One question re not going into your ex's house, did you instigate the split? I can understand it being too raw for her to be honest, I was the same.

clearingout

to be fair, I'm not sure it matters who instigated a split - when things move on, having your ex constantly parked in your front room isn't a good look, is it?! Mine is a bit of a control freak - the few times he has been in the house since we split up, his eyes have been everywhere and anything I have bought, moved around, taken away is commented on in one way or another (he took to commenting on the contents of my recycling bin at one point!). It puts me on edge just having him in the same street, to be honest! You can't parent in that way - might work in the early stages of a split but it's short-lived and both parents need the space to be able to parent as they see fit.

gratefulforhelp_2

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Considering your son is 13 months old, surely he is fed food more than breastfed now? He spends quite a lot of hours away from mum during the day so surely she can start to stop the breast for a night a week

Not feeding for one night a week can lead to health problems for the mother.

Hagar I think it's right that if she doesn't want you in her home. you don't go in. But sauce for the goose...

The whole front-room thing may not be a good look, but some people do put themselves through it for the child's sake.

flutterby_lil

clearing out, i was just thinking of reasons why in her mind she is justifying the reason for not wanting him in the house.

I perfectly agree and would not want my ex in my house.

loracan1

They're far from babies now but it's always been twice during the week (few hours in the evening), most of the day on a Saturday and a few hours on a sunday, not many overnight stays though.

willow_loulou

It is always different for any family how the sharing of parenting goes, lovely to hear you want to be such a big part of your childs life. Mine were a little older when we parted its usually alternate weekends with some flexabilty as we both work sometimes less than sociable hours. It was very hard at first for the children but they soon adapted. They also like extra days in the holidays. I think the average is 2 nights a week I read somewhere though I know of a couple who do week on week off as they are both close enough to the school. From my experience its good to stick to a routiene with it for the children but also to be flexy when it comes to party/sleep over/school trips away etc. Good luck I hope you find a way that suits all of you.

Hagar_uk

Nope, it had been brewing for some time, I hold my hands up and say i made some stupid decisions work wise, being away a lot, and being sometime not as thougthful as I should, and this led her to spend more time with her friend who was an ex. And as I was away working my nads off she was back with her lesbian ex in secret, behind my ex and her her Ex's partner, we had a friendly row and we were over so I moved out of her house on ok terms. I know her last ex stalked her and refused to move out of her house for year, so she is very protective of her house. I know I make the odd comment about her Ex being bad for my son, which seems to infuriate her sometimes, but its odd that she can not bare around the house, but took up my invite to come with me to see my family abroad. I only invited as she seemed down, hitting a bad patch with both her friends with benefits.

flutterby_lil wrote: »

You sound like a wonderful caring father, you ought to be proud of yourself.

One question re not going into your ex's house, did you instigate the split? I can understand it being too raw for her to be honest, I was the same.