civil partnership question?

ViolaLass

Artytarty wrote: »

I was quite looking forward to "it" whatever that was going to be.
Then he just arrived and said "we got married last week" I then felt excluded as the choice of whether or not to go was taken away from me!And i would have gone and been happy for them...

...and ignored his choice not to have you there?

mildred1978, perhaps you might consider letting the couple know. You know the family dynamics and whether or not that would be a good idea but if I were in your position, I think I would consider it.

Tish_P

I'd wait until afterwards, in case any of them get the same idea as mildred's relatives and you end up with guests you don't want - and they'll be the very rudest, and presumably least-liked, of your family rather than the ones who love and respect you.

Tish_P

PS Artytarty, I understand feeling excluded but what did you mean by the choice of whether to go or not being taken away from you? Did your dad have any reason to think you might say refuse to attend? If so, no wonder he didn't trumpet it beforehand.

MandM90

How do your family feel about your relationship?

We had a (big) civil partnership in July and we found that getting everyone on board and excited actually made a dramatic difference in some of their attitudes. Some members of my wife's family were/are quite homophobic yet came, joined in, had fun and relations are a hundred times better.

I suppose it depends on your family in particular but I know our parents, siblings and friends would have been quite upset if they hadn't known or been able to be a part of it (even in a small way like being able to buy you a gift or chat to you about it)

MandM90

Have you told them you are considering it? Maybe at least some indication then a month later "we've done it" rather than out of the blue.

I agree with whoever said either tell no-one (except for witnesses) or everyone. If you were my family I might feel a bit put out you chose friends to attend. At least in larger weddings I suppose there are more roles to go around.

When you say you don't want to upset your family but you want to do what is right for us does that mean you also don't want to tell them? Or is it just your partner who wants to keep quiet? What are his/her (I'm sensing her?) reasons for this?

Congrats btw!!!

Artytarty

Tishp, I think although I wanted to go I would have felt guilty about perhaps being disloyal to my Mum.
Still as you say it was his choice not to have me there.
Hurtful? yeh.But I can also see that perhaps he was making it easier for me, not having to choose.

Hermia

tfd wrote: »

We don't want any fuss as we are mainly doing this for financial reasons/wills/inheritance tax/pensions etc.

You may see it like that, but your loved ones may see it as a wedding and be as hurt as if they were excluded from a big traditional wedding. My friend and her missus wanted exactly the same as you, but they are both only children and realised their mums would be devastated at not getting their chance to see their daughters married. In the end they just had a quiet ceremony with their parents. It was very informal although the mums insisted on wearing hats!

I think the advice would be exactly the same as that given to all the other people who have asked similar questions about their weddings. You must do what you wish, but work out how you are going to tell other people and deal with their reactions.

rachbc

Hubby and I had a civil wedding ceremony in our lunch hour with 2 witnesses (we had a humanist wedding 2 days later) FIL wanted to come despite us telling him not to and we ended up telling him the wrong day as we just didn't want anyone there. A couple of years later he did the exact same thing to his neice and showed up uninvited to her private ceremony.. If you have any supicions that anyone woudl do the same then tell them after

supermezzo

mildred1978 wrote: »

Me too. The couple are travelling to somewhere where no family are near. The rest of the family see that as a hint . The relatives would be travelling about 400 miles each way to attend. It's interfering and I think it will blow up in their faces.

In your position, I'd be telling the happy couple to be what your auntie's plans are. If they wanted people there, they would have invited them, simple as. They risk ruining the whole day for them with this 'surprise'.

juliedotcom

My brother and his now wife done this last year. They've been together for 12 years and with the arrival of a new baby decided they were going to run off with the kids and get married quietly. Brother told me over a few drinks and hastened to add - but no one's invited except our parents. He also asked me not to tell anyone, including our two elder brothers, our grandmother, etc.

I was absolutely crushed, and still am if I'm honest. It felt horrible to be left out, when all I wanted to do was to help them celebrate their union. Moreso now because my brother freely admits that he regrets they did it so quietly.

This will hopefully be something you only ever do once and regardless of the reasons for doing it, it's mostly down to the fact that you love, respect and understand each other that it's taking place at all. I would most definately say to let your family know beforehand. Even if you don't want them involved, just let them know. If they love you, they'll understand. If not, you risk hurting a lot of people who only want the very best for you.